I suck at being a girl sometimes. Especially when it comes to giving myself manicures. I ALWAYS go to salon. I am hoping and praying that when the zombies come, there will still be nail salons around to help me avoid those stupid hangnails. There is only one other thing, besides hangnails, that make me whine and cry like a 4 yr. old, and that is a paper cut. Damn those things hurt! OK, that is a total lie, because I whine and cry about a lot of things, especially mushy commercials where dogs try to hide their bones.
Sadly, I don’t think there will be any nail manicurist in the zombie apocalypse, so I will have to learn to do it myself. Also…there may not be all the tools you are used to using so we will have to improvise.
Let’s get started! I went to wikihow and found an article on How to Give Yourself a Manicure and tried to follow the steps
Step 1 -Find a work space – This sounds so simple right? But finding your zen spot that is zombie-free may be a little harder than you think. I suggest guards. I’ve always wanted a guard for my manicure! It would be best to find a spot free of zombie guts, I find that splattered brains do not make for a relaxing or sterile environment.
Step 2 -Remove any old nail polish – If you happen to have any nail polish remover in your zombie survival kit then you are way more prepared than me for this. And good for you! You are definitely on your way to being Zombinista of the year!
However, if you are anything like me, you will use the tried and true method of biting or picking it off. Yes…I do this even when zombies aren’t attacking. I told you, I suck at being a girl sometimes! But remember to avoid the shellac and gel polish. You know it’s just bug poo right? I mean you’ll be eating a lot of stuff you probably didn’t think you would eat during this time, but bug poo is still…well bug poo!
Step 3 -Cut and File Nails – Sounds simple enough right? Just pull out your nail clippers and your emery board and manicure away! Gently drag the file across your nail leaving a bit of white showing. If you don’t have clippers or a nail file, you can use pumice stones, sand paper or the heel of your foot.
Alternate method: Bite a little tear at the edge of your nail and gently tear the across the nail. You can also just nibble them away. I wouldn’t recommend this method for your toe nails.
Soaking & Cuticles – OK…now this is getting ridiculous. Zombies are out there!!! Push back those pretty little cuticles with whatever you have at hand and get to painting.
Painting – Now you may be thinking at this point, why should I paint my nails when I just skipped the whole soaking and pushing back cuticle part? I used to always be so jealous of my Mom when I was little because she had painted nails and I couldn’t see the dirt under her nails when I was always being told to wash mine. Can you imagine the amount of dirt and crap you can hide with red polish?!
Now you are all set! Go out there and smash zombie heads with beautiful nails and polish that will hide zombie guts!
Stay tuned for more post on zombie nail care. The next one…KILLER NAILS!!!
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