What We Do in The Shadows is back for the third season. In the season premiere episode, “The Prisoner,” the Vampires of Staten Island are presented with a unique opportunity while trying to decide what to do with Guillermo (Harvey Guillén). 

In the season two finale, Guillermo took it upon himself to save Nandor(Kayvan Novak), Laszlo (Matt Berry), Nadja (Natasia Demetriou), and Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch). The Vampiric Council attempted to kill the four vampires. Thanks to Guillermo, they all survived. 

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It’s a dark time in Staten Island. A lot of vampires are dead. And we all know it’s because of Guillermo. The vampires are at odds about what to do about Gizmo…except for Colin Robinson. He doesn’t really care. Nadja wants to kill Guillermo. Nadja doll wants to kill Guillermo. Lazlo just nods his head. Nandor wants to sleep on it. 

Their discussion is interrupted by a bell. Apparently they locked Guillermo in the basement. Guillermo needs someone to empty his bathroom bucket. Colin Robinson volunteers. And he offers to sift through the bathroom bucket for secret messages. Everyone else treats Guillermo like he’s a criminal. Nadja even throws raw chicken at him. Guillermo pleads with the vampires to release him, saying he just wants to protect them from the Vampiric Council.

Guillermo keeps a video diary of his imprisonment. There’s decent wi-fi in the basement, so he’s been rewatching Gilmore Girls. He puts the food in the mini-fridge that is stocked with Yahoos. And get this, some of the bars on the cage are loose. So when the vampires go to sleep, Guillermo escapes to take care of his daily chores. I mean … no one else is going to do them. 

One night, Guillermo sneaks out to listen to the discussion about his fate. He leans on the wall and bumps into something. Nadja thinks it’s all of the ravens who are trying to get into the house. Guillermo hurries back to the basement, as Nandor comes to visit. 

Guillermo asks how the talks are going, but Nandor says it doesn’t look good. Guillermo says he’s a warrior, but not a great warrior like Nandor. But he is a warrior and lives by the warrior code. That’s exactly what Nandor has been saying. He gets frustrated and kicks a wooden box that leaves a splinter in his foot. Nandor gives Guillermo more raw chicken and says goodnight.

Kristen Schaal returns as the Guide on What We Do in the Shadows

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS — “The Prisoner” — Season 3, Episode 1 (Airs September 2) Pictured: Kristen Schaal as The Guide. CR: Russ Martin/FX

Guillermo put security cameras around the house and checks the cameras on his phone. One night he sees a shadow phantom creeping around the house. The Vampires are still discussing what to do with the human when the phantom enters through the fireplace. Guillermo runs in, throwing stakes at the phantom. The phantom takes human form and it’s the Guide (Kristen Schaal) from the Vampiric Council. Colin is the only one who is concerned that Guillermo escaped. The Guide says they’ve been trying to summon the coven. She says she has a special message from the Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council. She pulls out a video cassette tape and asks if they have a VCR. A what?

The vampires put chains on Guillermo’s hands, because … well, who knows?  But Guillermo is the only one of them who knows how to operate the VCR, so he has to be there. The message is from Viago (Taika Waititi). He says Guillermo has killed 70% of the most powerful vampires in the tri-state area. He reminds them that vampires should not kill vampires. Viago points out that they’ve killed 37, maybe 38 vampires who know how to get things done. And for that reason, the Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council is appointing the four vampires to lead the Vampiric Council of the Eastern Seaboard of the New World. 

Nadja is honored. She loves thrones. Colin Robinson has served on the local vampiric council before. Laszlo doesn’t like it though. He didn’t become a vampire to become a bureaucrat. While they discuss the news, the tape is still playing and Viago is talking to someone off camera.

The Guide says she is there to assist them. And in her one-on-one interview, she mentions that she has assisted many councils. But doesn’t seem to have high hopes for these four. She says she will take them to the Vampiric Council headquarters where they will assume the throne. Nandor is proud. He was once a leader of men. Now he’s a leader of vampires. But there’s still one matter to tend to. 

It's judgement time on What We Do in the Shadows

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS — “The Prisoner” — Season 3, Episode 1 (Airs September 2) Pictured: Matt Berry as Laszlo, Kayvan Novak as Nandor, Natasia Demetriou as Nadja. CR: Russ Martin/FX

They bring Guillermo before them and say they’ve made a decision  In the case of Guillermo Greenberg De la Cruz in the killing of many vampires, the vampires decided not to kill him. At least not right now. Nadja will be watching him though. Nandor says they decide to make him a full fledged member of the team. Guillermo smiles, thinking they are finally making him a vampire. But that’s not what they meant. He’s going to be the vampires’ bodyguard. It’s a step up from a familiar and definitely better than being dead.

And to finalize the deal … they will quadruple hypnotize him not to hurt them. Guillermo acts like he wants to think about it and says okay. He gets sentimental, but the vampires stop him. The vampires surround Guillermo and start circling him while chanting, telling him not to harm the four of them. In a later interview, Guillermo admits that the vampire hypnosis does not work on him anymore. He likes to pretend it does. At the end, Colin Robinson commands Guillermo to meow like a cat whenever Colin says his name. 

They wake up Guillermo and he seems fine. Laszlo tells Guillermo to grab Colin Robinson’s private parts and crush them. Guillermo pretends to start to grab Colin Robinson but stops, saying something is compelling him not to harm Colin. Colin smiles and says Guillermo’s name. Guillermo answers with a meow. 

They go to the Vampiric Council Headquarters and remember the last time they were sentenced to death, but they were saved by Guillermo and Colin Robinson. The Guide takes them to the judgement chamber and shows them the throne of the Supreme Leader. Nandor thought there would be more than one throne. The Guide explains that they are all on the vampiric council, but there can only be one Supreme Leader. The one who rules over all vampires in the local New York area and the boss of the others on the council. Laszlo doesn’t want it, but the others fight over the throne.

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What We Do in The Shadows airs Thursdays on FX and the next day on FX on Hulu



Noetta Harjo
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