It’s time to return to Staten Island for the season five premiere of What We Do In The Shadows. In “The Mall,” the vampires try to cheer up a frustrated Guillermo (Harvey Guillén) until the discover the mall.
Last season ended with Guillermo taking matters into his own hands. He paid his friend Derek (Chris Sandiford) to make him a vampire. This comes after years of waiting for his master Nandor (Kayvan Novak) to do the deed.
A lot of things happened last season. Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) was reborn and Laszlo (Matt Berry) tried to raise him. Only to have him become the same ole Colin Robinson. Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) opened a nightclub, but then burned it down. Nandor got married, became infatuated with Guillermo’s boyfriend … used his genie wish to make his wife look like Guillermo’s boyfriend … and then sent her to live with the boyfriend after Guillermo broke up with him. Everything returned to normal.
First things first, not much has changed. Nandor found a book in Laszlo’s library and is taking on a new direction in life where he believes he is okay. The book was called I’m Okay, You’re Okay. Laszlo is suspicious of Guillermo. He knows something is off. Guillermo won’t talk to production about the whole thing. And of course, none of the others even care. The mere suggestion of Guillermo becoming a vampire makes the others laugh.
Guillermo continues his duties, protecting his master and coven. They have become very sloppy at covering up their vampire ways. Nandor even went as far as to stumble out on the court of a basketball game and hypnotize the entire arena. Guillermo tries to reprimand them all, but they don’t want to hear it.
So did he or didn’t he? Guillermo finally decides to tell production what happened when he went to see Derek. He gets as far as Derek moved into bite him and Nandor interrupted him. Nandor says he knows why Guillermo is acting weird. They forgot Guillermo’s birthday and want to take him out to dinner.
Colin Robinson went back to work, but this time as a server at a Steakhouse. It provides more opportunities to feed. He is actually the waiter for Guillermo’s birthday dinner. The vampires arrived together, but Guillermo had to take an Uber.
Nadja brought Dolly to the dinner, but Dolly is very upset. Turns out that Nadja sat on Dolly one drunken night and crushed her body. Colin Robinson attempted to fix Dolly by putting the rest of her body on top of a new doll. That doll has a button on its toe that activates Dolly. Dolly pulls up her skirt, sings “I Feel Good,” and moves her hips from side to side. It’s quite entertaining, but Dolly hates it.
Laszlo brings up Guillermo’s strange behavior. Guillermo actually said he won’t be around forever. The vampires try to understand what he meant by that. Is he dying? Is he getting a job? Nandor suggest Guillermo could become a vampire and they all laugh at the thought.
On the way to the restaurant, Guillermo continues his story. Guillermo was very nervous about being bitten. He and Derek stall a lot, including pausing for a montage about how Nandor takes care of Guillermo. When they continue, Guillermo starts to go on a tangent about not being ready and Derek bites him. Guillermo screams and pulls away. He is bleeding profusely. The Uber arrives at the restaurant and Guillermo stops his story.
When he gets inside, Guillermo finds the vampires laughing. Nandor says he will turn Guillermo when the time is right. Guillermo suggests that Dracula could find him and turn him. The laughter stops. The greatest humiliation a familiar can bestow upon his master, is to ask someone else to make him a vampire. Nandor say she would have to kill Guillermo and then kill himself.
After dinner, Guillermo sees the vampires off and mentions he is going shopping at the mall. The vampires all come back, intrigued by the mall. They all go inside and Guillermo tells them to sit and people watch. They don’t listen and explore the mall. Nandor looks for a birthday gift for Guillermo. Nadja buys a rainbow sombrero for Dolly. And Laszlo follows Gizmo.
While Guillermo waits for his new glasses, he finishes his story. Derek got queasy when he learned that Guillermo would have to drink his blood to become a vampire. Guillermo has to cut Derek open with a box cutter, causing Derek to pass out. Guillermo drinks the blood and passes out. When he comes to, his eyes glow. Guillermo is a vampire.
There’s just one problem. He’s not craving blood. He can still eat human food, but craves mostly rare meat. His teeth are normal. Guillermo can still go out in the sun and he can’t turn into a bat. But! His eyesight is better. He doesn’t even need glasses because his vision is better than 20/20. Guillermo orders a pair of non-prescription glasses so he doesn’t look different. And Laszlo sees all of this from afar.
When they get back home, Guillermo asks Nandor if he will kill him if he accidentally becomes a vampire. Nandor says yes and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s time for bed and he asks Guillermo for a bedtime story. Guillermo tells him about a guy who got bit and wants to reverse the process of becoming a vampire. Nandor isn’t interested, and instead gives Guillermo his birthday present. A foot locker. The foot locker is a large chest, large enough for Guillermo to sleep in.
You can stream What We Do in The Shadows on FX on Hulu.