Being a vampire can be hard on What We Do In the Shadows. In “The Wellness Center,” Nandor (Kayvan Novak) finds a solution to his recent strange and depressing behavior. Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) gets a new room.

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It’s Nandor’s Ascension Day! The anniversary of his rise to power, several hundreds of years ago. Usually the whole house celebrates this day … including belly dancing by Colin Robinson. Guillermo (Harvey Guillén) planned a grand celebration this year, but Nandor is too depressed to celebrate. Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) and Laszlo (Matt Berry) say the best thing to do when a vampire is depressed is to stay away from them.

Nadja tries to cheer up Nandor by giving him the manly task of collecting vampire dues. The first location is a Vampire Wellness Center. Nandor finds several vampires living in this wellness center and they seem very … weirdly happy. Janet (Cree Summer) is their leader. When Nandor asks for their dues, Janet says she doesn’t have to pay because they are no longer vampires. They even went as far as to pull out their fangs. They all live their lives as humans again, even though they are not really human. 

Nandor finds this fascinating and decides to leave the mansion and join the wellness center. Of course the other vampires think he is crazy, but Nandor needs a change. Colin Robinson is more than happy to take his room. Guillermo is the only one who tries to stop Nandor. He begs his master not to leave him behind, but if Nandor is living life as a human, he no longer needs a familiar. 

Guillermo asks Nandor to turn him before he leaves. Nandor says he is fond of Guillermo after 11 years of servitude. And vampire life is a curse. So he will not bite Guillermo. He leaves to pursue his new life. 

A month later, Laszlo has forgotten Nandor’s name, but Nadja remembers for him. They say not much has changed except they no longer have to hear Nandor’s constant whining. Colin Robinson moved into Nandor’s room and is farting all over the room to set his scent in the room. 

Meanwhile, Nandor is having a blast. He cut his hair; he wears modern clothes; and he started a relationship with Janet. She named him her number two. He looks like he’s having fun singing One Week by Bare Naked Ladies. 

Guillermo decides he can’t stand it. He has to know if his former master is okay. He sneaks into the wellness center with a bag full of stakes. Janet notices him right away and asks to see his bag. A vampire pulls out the stakes and is burnt. The other vampires go on the defensive as Janet alerts the entire center that they are under attack. 

Guillermo tells Nandor to cover his eyes and he sprays the vampires with holy water. He grabs Nandor by the hand and drags him to the exit, spraying vampires as they try to stop him. Despite Nandor’s insistence that he’s happy, Guillermo throws him in the car and says he taking his master home. 

They drive away, but Nandor forces Guillermo to stop. He says he needed to feel like he belonged someplace and that place is the wellness center. It’s been a long time since he felt this happy. Nandor starts to get out of the car, but when he reaches to unhook the seat belt, it burns him. Guillermo lined the seat belt with silver. Guillermo apologizes and says it’s for Nandor’s own good. He takes off, kidnapping his former master. 

Guillermo returns to the mansion and says he did something very drastic. He asks if they trust him and they don’t. He takes them to the basement where they find Nandor, wearing a blue tracksuit, in a cage, with silver chains wrapped around it. They are in shock. 

Laszlo thinks Nandor is brainwashed. Nadja tells Colin Robinson to go to the Vampire library to find literature on the art of deprogramming. Nandor says he’s not brainwashed. He was just having fun with his new friends. Laszlo sees that he pulled out his fangs and Nadja is disgusted. The vampire immediately leaves to get help for Nandor. Nandor begs them not to leave, but they all leave. Guillermo turns off the lights on him as Nandor screams “No!”

At the wellness center, the vampires are recovering from Guillermo’s attack. They blame Janet for the hurt they suffered. Janet says its time to for the final rejection of eternal life. It’s time for them to walk in the sun. Janet leads the entire group up to the roof and they all walk outside, except Janet. Every vampire burns to ash as soon as they step outside. Janet just the door, looks at the camera and says its back to the drawing board. She turns into a bat and flies downstairs. 

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What We Do in The Shadows airs Thursdays on FX and the next day on FX on Hulu

 

 

Noetta Harjo
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