Strange things always happen on What We Do In The Shadows.  In “Witches,”  Nandor (Kayvan Novak) and Laszlo (Matt Berry) are taken by witches as Guillermo (Harvey Guillén) still struggles with finding respect from the vampires.

Disclaimer: This episode content includes dark humor, frequent use of profanity, and strong sexual themes.

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Nandor calls a house meeting, but of course no one shows up on time.  Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) is upstairs and Laszlo is tending to his garden.  Nandor tells Nadja to get Laszlo but she says that’s Guillermo’s job, but Guillermo is on a break.  Nandor agreed to give Guillermo a day off and a fifteen minute break every four hours. That’s unheard of!

Guillmero can hear Nadja and Nandor telling him what to do. Take a break, don’t take a break, it’s all exhausting. It makes Guillermo question why he’s even there.  He thinks it may be time to grow up and get a real job with real people.  Maybe even start a business.  Guillermo came up with the idea to put the Tide pens into one big stick called Heavy Duty Blood Remover. And he’s been watching a lot of Shark Tank.

It’s not a known fact on What We Do In The Shadows that Laszlo grows apples in his garden. He used to love apples as a kid, but now they are disgusting.  He picks the apples and throws them on the ground instead.  On this particular night, Laszlo hears someone calling for him. He goes to investigate and finds a goat.  A swirl of purple smoke consumes Laszlo and carries him away.  The voice says the ceremony is waiting for him.  

NOT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION

Nandor, Nadja and Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) go outside to fetch Laszlo, but he’s gone.  Nadja says witches took Laszlo, but everyone dismisses her suggestion.  Apparently she blames everything that goes wrong on witches.  Nandor says they should search around the house first.  Guillermo is outside now and Nadja tells him to search for Laszlo, but that’s not in his job description.

Nandor hears someone call his name and goes toward the sound. He sees the goat and greets it.  Nadja tries to stop him but it’s too late.  The purple smoke consumes Nandor and he is lifted away.  In the sky, they can see witches flying in the air.  Guillermo joins the search and Colin Robinson is surprised that Nadja was right about the witches

What We Do In The Shadows goes to Brooklyn.  Guillermo follows the witches in his car. Nadja is freaking out. They can see Nandor flying with the witches and he crashes into a building. The witches turn right and Guillermo drives past them. Nadja tries to take control of the wheel, almost causing a wreck. 

They end up at an essential oil store. Colin Robinson volunteers to go in and scope out the place, but Nadja says they need a mortal who is basically boring and uninteresting. Guillermo volunteers, but Nadja says she didn’t mean he was boring.  

Guillermo goes in but tells the camera crew to stay behind.  The store clerk, Quinn (Clara Wong) greets him, rubs oil on his temples for his allergies and then takes him to a back room.  She tells him to bring his camera crew.  The camera crew goes in and Guillermo points out a stack of broomsticks in the corner. 

WITCHES

Kayvan Novak as Nandor the Relentless on What We Do In The Shadows, “Witches” (Image: FX Networks)

Nadja thinks she’s trying to squeeze out Gizmo’s eyeballs.  She and Colin Robinson are standing by the car and hear the goat.  Before they can turn to look at the goat, the purple smoke consumes them and takes them away too.  

Nandor and Laszlo are tied up in a ceremony room. They see the cameras and ask for help. Of course that alerts the witches to the presence of the camera crew.  The head witch, Lilith (Lucy Punch) is happy to see them and invites them in the room.  She says the ceremony needs to be documented for all ages.  

Quinn takes Guillermo to a dark room and tells him to wait there with the others.  What others?  Nadja and Colin Robinson drop in and Quinn closes the door.  They argue about Guillermo’s attitude as they search for a light.  When the lights come on, they see a bunch of doors around them.  Colin Robinson opens one door and there’s a whirlpool of fire behind it.  

Before the witches begin their ceremony, Nandor warns them that they will be destroyed if they do not release him.  Of course the witches laugh at this.   They start the ceremony with a bit of music and dancing.  Laszlo is getting excited by the witches and Nandor agrees with his sentiment.  Lilith stops the dancing and says it’s time for the extraction of the vampire’s semen. They need vampire semen to maintain their youthful appearance. 

ESCAPE ROOM

Colin Robinson is clearly the smartest on What We Do In The Shadows, but he keeps opening doors to some scary situation.  He finds a door to a hallway and they think they found an exit. The next door takes them back into the room of doors.  They are going nowhere.  Colin Robinson says he’s done a lot of escape rooms, but he’s usually more concerned with where they are going to eat. 

Nadja opens a book with bugs in it and she screams.  She hates this place and calls out for Laszlo to be brave. She will find him.  He hears her, but he’s enjoying the witches’ show.  He tells Nadja to take her time.   Nandor and Laszlo are beyond excited until the witches pull out 18th century tools they will use.  Laszlo calls for Nadja to hurry.  The witches take their true, older form and prepare to extract the vampires.  

In the room of doors, Colin Robinson finds one of a statue of the God of Hedonism. He starts to ramble and Guillermo interrupts him when he finds the actual exit door. The door has the word “Exit” in Spanish written on it. It’s obvious that Guillermo is the smartest of the bunch

CONFRONTATION

Nadja, Colin Robinson and Guillermo find Laszlo and Nandor, interrupting the ceremony.  The witches are surprised they were able to get out of the special room. Colin Robinson takes full credit so the witch deem him acceptable for their ceremony.  That’s when Colin changes his tune and says it was Guillermo who found the way out. Guillermo responds with “no hablo engles.”

Nadja has had enough and tells Guillermo to untie Laszlo and Nandor, but they are outnumbered by the witches.  That’s when Lilith returns and pins Nadja against the ceiling.   Nadja knows Lilith. They met a long time ago.  Lilith had a clothing store that was a front for providing semen to witches. Then Lilith did something so evil that Nadja had no choice but to become her enemy.

Laszlo knows Lilith too.  She appeared to him as Nadja and took his semen.  Her clothes and hair look like Nadja, but the face is very different. The guys can’t tell the difference.  Or maybe it’s just Laszlo that can’t tell the difference.  Apparently he mistaken Nandor for Nadja once. 

MEMO’S MAN MILK

Nadja gives up and says the witches are welcome to the semen. Colin Robinson ties himself up so he can be included in the ceremony as well.   Guillermo interrupts and says he knows of a way the witches can have all the semen they desire.   Guillermo offers them Nandor and Laszlo’s semen, regularly and he gets three percent of their net profit.  He calls it Memo’s Man Milk. The witches love it.  He even included Colin Robinson in the deal, but the witches said no.

The group returns home and finds the place wrecked.  The goat returned to the house and tore the place up.  Nadja is very upset to find her Nadja doll on the floor.  Nandor and Laszlo are still very excited and decide to help one another relieve themselves.  No one should ever know. 

The next day, Guillermo delivers the first shipment. The witches are happy to see him.  Guillermo saved the day but he’s still just another schlub.  He catches up with the goat outside of the store. They are pretty much in the same boat, guarding their masters, doing anything that is asked of them and wondering if they will ever become supernatural. 

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Noetta Harjo
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