Things are going well on What We Do In the Shadows. Which means it’s time for some chaos. In “Private School,” the house considers sending Baby Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) to a private school.
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Baby Colin Robinson is out of control. He’s about nine now and would rather play pranks on everyone in the house rather than practice dancing. Guillermo (Harvey Guillén) is constantly chasing the child around to keep him alive. And the vampires are just sick of it. Laszlo (Matt Berry) says Baby Colin’s behavior is perfectly normal for a human child.
Guillermo suggests they send Baby Colin to public school and the vampires hate that idea. The suggestion makes Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) question if her club is doing well. Guillermo avoids answering her question though, hmmm … He says they need the club income to make house repairs. Laszlo suggests they wish for house repairs but Nandor (Kayvan Novak) says the Djinn (Anoop Desai) is legally prohibited from making home repairs.
Nandor looks different. Nadja thinks he got a haircut. He clearly had something done to his eyes. Like he plucked eyebrows too thin. Or maybe he got a facelift. Nandor won’t say. He talks to Djinn in private and the camera catches him saying that he wished for wrinkles around his eyes to disappear. He likes the result but wants more.
One night at Nadja’s, Colin abruptly stops his performance to talk to two kids in the audience. Those kids are actually supernatural and they are over 100 years old. Laszlo realizes that Colin needs social interaction with other kids, but he will not send the boy to a public school.
On another night, the neighbor Sean (Anthony Atamanuik) caught Colin knocking holes into his house. He brings the kid back home and notices the vampires are looking at brochures for private school. He mentions that he went to a private school, Helen Country Day School. Laszlo determines that Sean turned out well so that will be the school they send Colin to.
Sean sets up a meeting with the headmaster of Helen Country Day School. Before they arrive, Guillermo tells the vampires to act human. They overdo it of course, dressing in their most human clothes. He tells them to change into their least vampire-y vampire clothes. Nadja doesn’t listen and stays in the pink dress she found. She even put her hair up! It’s great!
Things get crazy as soon as the headmaster shows up. The vampires have a hard time answering simple questions. Nadja compels the headmaster and Sean so the vampires can get their story straight. The hardest question to answer is, who is Colin’s parents? They go through several scenarios with each of the vampires and Guillermo posing as Colin’s parents. They even bring in Sal Vulcano from Impractical Jokers to pose as Colin’s father. Laszlo kills him because he’s annoying.
Then there are questions about Colin. Guillermo is the only one who knows anything about the child. Nandor just keeps calling himself Matthew. And his face is really squishy now. Guillermo doesn’t understand why Nadja doesn’t compel the headmaster to just accept Colin. By the end of the night, the headmaster and Sean have major headaches. The headmaster asks for Colin’s transcripts. The vampires have no idea what that is, so Guillermo says he will send those over the next day.
Guillermo called his guidance counselor from school and asked him to create a fake transcript for Colin. He pays him with nightclub money. When he picks up the transcript, Guillermo bids the camera crew farewell, saying he’s going on a walk, but the crew follows Guillermo.
Guillermo gets into a nice red car, drives to the apartment building where his mother lives. There are delivery trucks outside and men taking new appliances into the apartment. Guillermo is literally throwing around money.
Guillermo finally sees the camera crew when his mom hugs him. He runs to the truck and tries to explain where the money came from. He took the money as payment for his services in the house and at the club. So it’s all legit. Then Guillermo tries to buy the camera crew’s silence, but no one takes the money.
Laszlo and Nadja inform everyone that the headmaster suffered a stroke from the hypnosis they put him through. So they went with Plan B. They enrolled Baby Colin into every children’s sports league in the community. They keep him very busy and he’s too tired to wreak havoc when they get home.
Nandor comes clean about his face work. He says he did it for Marwa (Parisa Fakhri), but it’s looking bad. He wishes for the Djinn to return his face to the way it was before the first wish. Laszlo makes fun of him saying he needs to lay off the plastic surgery. Nandor doesn’t find that funny.
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What We Do in The Shadows airs Tuesdays on FX and the next day on FX on Hulu.
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