Welcome back to The Origin of Tropes, where we dissect where our favorite (and not-so-favorite) tropes came from and how they got to be so ubiquitous. This time, we’re looking at “we’re not gay; we just love each other.” This one can be a little difficult to define, considering modern definitions of sexuality are, well, modern.
But, the basic premise of “we’re not gay; we just love each other” is when two characters who are (more or less) defined as hetero get together or, at the very least, have pretty hardcore chemistry. This can result in characters deciding not to use labels, changing their labels or going with, “We’re not gay; we just love each other.” Much of that depends on the particular piece of fiction and societal attitudes toward LGBTQ+ identities present in the work’s contemporary culture.
Ancient Examples of “We’re Not Gay, We Just Love Each Other”
Two very different ancient examples of this trope illustrate how much societal attitudes display its expression. First up, there’s Achilles and Patroclus of the Iliad. While some have interpreted their relationship platonically (:cough:Troy:cough:), others have shown it to be romantic (The Song of Achilles). Neither character has a specific orientation because that wasn’t a concept back in ancient Greece and having partners of any gender was common.
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Our next example comes from the Bible: David and Jonathan. What’s obvious is they have a deep love and bond. What’s not obvious is what that love entails. Different people have interpreted it differently throughout the ages. What’s also clear is that David and Jonathan had wives.
All this to say, sexual ambiguity has existed in literature far beyond our modern idea of sexual identity.
Tropes Within the Trope
Tropes are like nesting dolls. While we cannot get into every flaky layer of the “we’re not gay, we just love each other” croissant, let’s highlight four.
Ambiguity as Safety
When relationships or sexuality aren’t totally defined, it’s easier to “get away” with exploring relationships in environments where they might otherwise be taboo. This also plays into the gay-as-predator trope. Think of Carmilla (1872), in which the lesbian vampire literally preys upon Laura, who is otherwise a “godly” girl.
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Queerbaiting
Queerbaiting is a highly loaded term, I know. However, it’s essential to recognize how it fits in with “we’re not gay; we just love each other.” The relationship between Holmes (Benedict Cumberbatch) and Watson (Martin Freeman) on BBC’s Sherlock (2010) is a perfect example of this controversy. In the world of television, it’s queerbaiting. However, if they had existed in real life, it’s possible they wouldn’t have recognized their desire for what it was due to their otherwise hetero natures.
Platonic Idealization
And, sometimes, the characters in question aren’t actually in love at all, according to the creator. Of course, all art is subjective, so a platonic read is all in the eyes of the beholders. However, some key instances of this are in The Lord of the Rings‘ (1954) Frodo and Sam or Luca‘s (2021) Luca (Jacob Tremblay) and Alberto (Jack Dylan Grazer). Both works aim to depict a deep bond that transcends romance.
The Awakening
“We’re not gay; we just love each other” can also be an awakening into a new, queer identity. In Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997), Willow (Alyson Hannigan) enters a lesbian relationship with Tara (Amber Benson) after having been in a functioning straight relationship with Oz (Seth Green). At first, Willow tries to explain her relationship with Tara as something that “just happened.” Later, she calls herself gay.
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The “Boys’ Love” Genre
I will begin this section by stating that I do not claim to be an expert on the “Boys’ Love” (BL) genre or East Asian art in general. However, BL came up a lot in my research for this article, and I felt I would be remiss not to include it. Sometimes called yaoi, BL originated in Japanese anime and manga but is now also popular in Thai, Korean and Chinese media.
BL is homoerotic fiction between (usually teen) men created by/for women. In many cases, it leans into the “we’re not gay; we just love each other” trope. There is also criticism of BL for leaning into toxic heterosexual narratives and applying them to queer relationships.
Shifting Into Reality
The “case studies” we’ve examined are indicative of only some cultures and their viewpoints on sexual identity. As I like to remind you, I am not an expert on global stories or storytelling (oh, that I were!). What is true, however, across cultures and art is that no matter how we choose to define ourselves, humans are complex.
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Firstly, the American Psychological Association (APA) notes that “Most historians agree that there is evidence of homosexual activity and same-sex love, whether such relationships were accepted or persecuted, in every documented culture.” (This is true of gender variances as well.) (Despite that fact, the APA classified homosexuality as an illness from 1952 to 1973… )
As far as the usage of terms goes, Hungarian writer Károly Mária Kertbeny coined “homosexual” in 1868 to describe same-sex attraction and relationships. “Gay” to mean homosexy came about in the 1900s and became more prominent in the latter half of the century. However, if we look at Noel Coward’s Private Lives, we can see gay’s shifting meaning being used in world play. One character says: “I do love Paris; it’s so genuinely gay.”
Paris has long had a reputation as a sort of gay mecca. As a gay man, Coward indeed would have known this. It’s a somewhat oblique reference, yes, but probable nonetheless.
“We’re Not Gay, We Just Love Each Other” IRL
Humans are complex. We fall in love. Sometimes, those attractions don’t look like what we’d predict. So, while it’s always important to be media literate and critique art intelligently, we cannot forget that “straight” people do, in fact, sometimes fall in love with people of the same gender. And “gay” people sometimes fall in love with someone of a different gender. And everything in between.
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A film that (sort of) plays on the “I’m not straight, I just love you” variation of this trope is Chasing Amy (1997). While the film ends up being more about the male ego than the idea that sometimes you just fall in love, its initial premise still stands.
The point is that the existence of this trope within a piece isn’t offensive in and of itself; whether it is offensive depends on execution. This is especially important as we move into a time in history when people care less about labels.
Is This Trope Problematic?
As stated above, whether “we’re not gay; we just love each other” is problematic depends on the context. If two characters insist they’re not gay because they think being gay is wrong and the work doesn’t combat that narrative, then, yah, problematic piece is problematic. Or, if a television show queerbaits two characters because they don’t want to lose viewers in more conservative markets, also a problem.
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Sexuality is a spectrum, and our identities as humans are ever-evolving, so no, I don’t think this trope is problematic if handled with sensitivity or if there are enough characters who do claim queer identities to balance it out.
What do you think? Am I totally off-base? Sound off in the comments below!
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