Kevin Haddock (Kal-El Tuck) is an unusual child. As the Time Bandits series premiere opens, we see that his bedroom is filled with figurines and dioramas of historical people and events. His alarm clock goes off, and he erupts out of his bed to run to his parents’ room to remind them it’s his birthday.
Once his parents, Mike (James Dryden) and Lisa (Felicity Ward), have the appropriate lighting sorted, they wish him a happy birthday and ask where he’d like to go, anticipating it won’t be very interesting for them.
Time Bandits, “Kevin Haddock”
He takes them to Woodhenge, an atmospheric Neolithic precursor to Stonehenge, where short concrete pillars mark the spots where timber posts once stood. Kevin’s sister, Saffron (Kiera Thompson), is unimpressed. His parents suggest they should’ve gone to Stonehenge. At least there, they could go to the gift shop. Kevin reminds them the ancients wouldn’t have had a gift shop.
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When he tries to inspire them to think of why Woodhenge would’ve been built, they make jokes about how boring it is. At home, Saffron asks him why he couldn’t have a normal birthday party with normal friends. Hurt but hiding it, Kevin assures her she’ll understand when she’s older.
At school, Kevin regales his classmates with facts about the history of footy. When he’s done, he’s once again the last one chosen for teams. A kid on crutches with a neck brace and arm in a sling is picked before him. Picking up a ball, Kevin demonstrates how uncoordinated he is.
It’s a Lonely Life
He spends the day alone. He eats by himself while reading a book on historical figures. As he walks home alone, he plays with sticks. He talks to himself while he paints a model of a mammoth, discussing that there is no evidence humans ever domesticated or rode mammoths despite the species coexisting during the Ice Age. As he mimics a mammoth’s call, his wardrobe begins to rumble, and light shines out between the doors.
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At his kitchen table, Kevin plays RISK with himself, expanding on each of his moves with relevant historical trivia. That night, he has another conversation with himself as he paints a figurine of an English Crusader while dressed as one. Suddenly, his table moves, causing him to drop his figurine. The wardrobe is rumbling more dramatically now, moving away and back to the wall. Sand pours out from under the doors.
Call to Adventure
Calling out to his mother that his wardrobe is moving, he opens the closet and is taken aback to discover a gateway to a beach. So, of course, he walks through to take a look. While surveying the landscape, he realizes a crowd of armed men are running his way. When they start shooting arrows at him, he runs back to his closet, screaming.
Jumping back through the closet, he rolls onto the far side of his bed while a fur-clad warrior shuts the closet doors and holds them against would-be attackers. Kevin goes to find his parents.
He finds them watching TV and reports that a Viking warrior is in his room, holding off a horde of angry Saxons. His parents tell him it was a dream despite the noises of battle from upstairs.
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Returning to his room, Kevin informs the Viking that this is all a dream. The light from inside the closet dims, and the Saxon attack ceases. Kevin seizes the opportunity to ask the Viking why Vikings stopped raiding other communities and adopted agrarianism. His voice trails off as he discovers his bedroom wall has transformed into a portal to the bank of a swiftly flowing river. The Viking boards a rowboat. Kevin asks if he needs help, interpreting “Nay” to mean yes. He opens his bedroom door and apologizes to his parents before he runs off to adventure. Turning back, he runs straight into a very real bedroom wall.
“Sometimes, Give Up”
Waking up on the living room couch, he tries to explain to his parents what happened. However, they are convinced he should stop studying history and learn more about technology so he can be ready for the future. He gets frustrated and gives up trying to talk to his parents. His father praises Kevin for learning that sometimes, you should just give up.
That night, Kevin checks his wardrobe carefully with a flashlight before settling down to sleep. The rumbling begins again. The doors burst open, and several people emerge, discussing how they think they’ve escaped from someone … unless he knows everything, including everything they’re thinking.
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Kevin turns his flashlight back on and shines it on the intruders, two women and three men. Once they realize he’s just a kid, they relax. The leader, Penelope (Lisa Kudrow), directs Widgit (Roger Jean Nsengiyumva) to lay out the map. Widgit lays it out on Kevin’s bed.
Living in a Time Egress
As the time bandits try to interpret the map, Kevin deduces from their conversation that they are horse thieves. Penelope asks him who he is and why he’s there. He introduces himself and explains that they’re in his bedroom. She replies that his room is also a “time egress” — a transtemporal portal and an extremely dangerous place to live.”
She asks him to give her a moment to confer with Widgit so they can escape the Supreme Being (Taika Waititi). At that moment, Kevin’s closet doors burst open, and a light pours out. A voice booms, “The Supreme Being knows all!” Everyone screams and scrambles away from the closet, where a giant head is emerging, demanding they return the map.
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As they cower against the wall, Widgit tells Bittelig (Rune Temte) to push the wall as the map says it’s an exit. After punching a hole in it, Bittelig pushes it, and the falls, causing other walls like it to fall like dominos, revealing a never-ending series of Kevin’s room. The Supreme Being’s multi-faced head sculpture enters Kevin’s room. The intruders leap into the void. Kevin follows, screaming as he slides past innumerable iterations of his bedroom window.
“A Wobbly Room With No Walls”
They land on the deck of a ship. Kevin tries to tell himself it’s all a dream. Penelope wants to know how he came with them. Judy (Charlyne Yi) reveals that she’s an empath. Bittleig asks if he’s a replacement for Susan. Witgit points out that Susan is irreplaceable.
Choosing to deal with Kevin’s presence later, the thieves discuss where they are. Kevin looks around and realizes they are on a ship in the fleet of the Chinese pirate queen, Madame Chung (Katlyn Wong). He places them in 1810 Macau, in the midst of the final battle between Chung and the British Navy. Witgit takes credit for the knowledge just before the Chinese pirates begin shooting arrows at them, and the British Navy starts firing cannon balls at the Chinese pirates.
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The others convince Kevin it’s not a dream, and he runs with them below decks through a door Widgit mistakes for a portal. Kevin asks them about the map. Penelope explains it is not just a map. “It’s a celestial chart of the anomalies and portals of the intricately interwoven intricacies of time, space, good and bad, and all the dimensions, including one, two, three, and four.”
The Map
It’s a map that allows them to travel throughout the universe—except for one corner bit that got torn off. Just then, Madame Chung enters, speaking Cantonese. Everyone except Kevin responds in kind. He asks if they all speak Cantonese, and they deny it. Alto (Tadhg Murphy) pulls a leather skull cap with earflaps out and puts it on Kevin’s head. It’s a translation cap, and now Kevin can understand everyone.
Madame Chung threatens all sorts of violence. Penelope suggests they leave. Chung demands they identify themselves. A fight is about to break out when Kevin steps forward and offers her some advice on how to defeat her enemies. When the ship takes another hit, Chung orders the bosun to change course, according to Kevin’s counsel.
A Leap of Faith
The new course takes them past the portal. Penelope plans to leave Kevin behind. However, when Chung offers him a place at her side as her soothsayer, Penelope changes her mind and insists Kevin comes with them.
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A portal appears in the water, resembling a whirlpool. The thieves jump one by one, and Penelope helps Kevin onto the prow before jumping herself. Kevin takes a deep breath and follows.
They land in a field. When Kevin confesses he can’t read the future, he just knows the past really well, Penelope plans to abandon him again. He looks around and gasps when he realizes he’s seeing Stonehenge being constructed. Although Penelope sees no value in that, Kevin rushes to ask the builders why they are raising Stonehenge.
A Pile of Rocks With a Gift Shop
Kevin and the supervisor have a circular discussion about Stonehenge’s purpose. The supervisor reveals that its main purpose is profit and points to where they’ve set up a gift shop selling mini Stonehenges. Kevin is disheartened to realize his parents were right but still thinks it’s pretty cool.
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Gathered around a campfire that evening, Kevin asks about the bandits’ backstories. Penelope says she goes by Firestorm, and her heart is broken because her fiancé has gone missing. She introduces Judy, described as the master psychologist, although she reads Kevin completely wrong. Next is Alto, the master of disguise. Widgit is the master map reader. Last is Bittelig, who has the strength of seven average men.
They explain they’re running from the Supreme Being because he was their boss, and they upset him by stealing his map. Kevin suggests stealing is wrong. Most of the bandits groan and suggest abandoning Kevin. Bittelig says they should at least take him home. Penelope agrees to take Kevin home to Bingley in 2024 after they steal the horse.
Pure Evil
Deep below the earth’s surface, Pure Evil (Jemaine Clement) sits upon a black stone throne surrounded by demons. He calls his spy, Damon (Jonny Brugh), to report on what’s been going on in the Sky Citadel. Pure Evil bemoans his dream of turning the universe inside out. If only he had the plans for the universe. Damon reports the plans exist and they’ve been stolen.
Inspired to take the map from the thieves, Pure Evil pontificates on the universe he will create once he has the power. Damon tells him the Supreme Being is looking for the map in Bingley, 2024. Pure Evil calls for Fianna (Rachel House), the Huntress.
Time Bandits Steal a Horse
At dawn, a portal opens. Kevin and the bandits pass through it and arrive on the other side, falling from the sky and landing on their faces. Hiking over the ridge, they see their target. Kevin is stunned to see it’s the city of Troy.
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He realizes they plan to steal the Trojan Horse. Penelope scoffs when he tells them it’s too big to steal but admits it’s too big when she sees it. While Kevin explains the purpose of the Trojan Horse, the bandits chalk the heist up as a failure. While they’re talking, a Greek soldier opens the door in the Horse’s leg. Kevin asks to see inside, and the soldier invites them in.
They all climb up into the Trojan Horse. Penelope argues with Kevin and the Greek warriors about whether the plan will work. Meanwhile, two Trojan guards come out to look at the horse. They admire the workmanship but decide it’s suspicious and they should burn it.
They set fire to the horse, but a nobleman comes by and orders them to stop burning it and bring it into the city. Cassandra (Zoe Ventoura) calls down from the battlements and warns them that the Horse will be Troy’s downfall. They laugh at her prediction.
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Scatter!
Once inside the city, Penelope directs everyone to steal for five minutes before they have to jump through the next portal. Kevin wanders around, looking closely at the Trojan Horse. Cassandra finds him and explains her curse is she sees the future, but no one believes her. Kevin sympathizes.
She tells him he’s important and makes many predictions about his future adventures. Lastly, she tells him to stick with the bandits because he’s going to save the universe. The time bandits reconvene and decide to take Kevin home.
Full-On Fianna
In Pure Evil’s throne room, Fianna appears. He orders her to lie in wait as a rock in Bingley until she can steal the map and bring it to him. He directs her to let nothing get in her way.
Time Bandits streams on Apple TV+ on Wednesdays, with two new episodes dropping each week.
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