From everything we’ve seen on Time Bandits so far, Kevin Haddock (Kal-El Tuck) is not a very good or effective big brother. That’s an objective fact. And, to be fair, Saffron Haddock (Kiera Thompson) isn’t an affectionate, thoughtful or particularly appealing younger sister. That all being said, as “Ice Age” begins, they are each other’s only living family. And like many families, they may not like each other much but still feel connected.
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Kevin and the Time Bandits return to the Ice Age through a portal that suddenly opens in a rock face and ejects them, head-first, into the snowy wasteland. Interestingly, they are all dressed in their original traveling clothes instead of the desert gear from their previous adventure.
Time Bandits’s “Ice Age”
Noting their cold, inhospitable circumstances, Penelope (Lisa Kudrow) asks Kevin if he’s sure he wants to rescue his parents. Kevin assures her he does, explaining that his parents weren’t always the greatest but, on occasion, they were wonderful. As he’s talking, the others see a saber-toothed cat stalking a small woolly rhinoceros nearby.
Bittelig (Rune Temte) is quite upset by the idea of the cat killing the rhino. Penelope cautions them all to stay quiet so the cat doesn’t notice them. Instead, Bittelig yells at the cat to draw its attention away from the rhino. As the cat stalks toward them, Penelope directs them to throw all their stolen treasures at it. No one hits it with their throws and they run out of projectiles quickly. Alto (Tadhg Murphy) finds a roll of breath mints. Penelope takes a shot and hits the cat with the breath mints. Of course, this just annoys it and it comes closer, growling.
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Alto rallies the group, convinced they can scare the cat away by looking like a bigger predator and being loud. Together, they shout, “AWAY!” until the cat looks scared and runs. However, it turns out it ran because their shouting caused an avalanche. They try to run from the avalanche too but end up buried in snow.
Kevin wakes up when a group of Neanderthals digs him out. They are excited he is alive and call to someone nearby. Kevin gets up and sees a woolly mammoth approaching. A figure pokes its head up from on top of the mammoth and shouts his name. It’s Saffron, her hair wild and matted, totally dressed in furs.
Saffron
When she identifies him, the Neanderthals around him repeat his name. Kevin’s stunned. When he regains his speech, he asks what she’s doing riding a mammoth since paleontologists had found no evidence that people rode them in the Ice Age. Saffron is unimpressed by what paleontologists think.
The Neanderthals help Penelope and the others out of the snow. Penelope tells Kevin they’ve found his family, despite his protests that they aren’t related. He admits the one on the mammoth is his sister. When Widgit (Roger Jean Nsengiyumva) calls her annoying, she takes offense and the Neanderthals jump to her side, echoing her phrasing. Kevin faints.
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Kevin wakes up on the mammoth, riding behind Saffron. She introduces him to Faza (Abby Damon) and Howler (Richard Chapman), her cave parents who found and took care of her. Walking near them are Tooth Tooth (Jesse Griffin) and Meatgirl (Sophie Hambleton). Kevin introduces the Time Bandits. He asks how she got to the Ice Age. She describes falling through the portal in his room and asking at each place she arrived if anyone had seen him.
Bittelig raises an alarm when he finds the woolly rhino lying on the ground with a broken leg. He wants to help it. Saffron calls the rhino a unicorn. Kevin corrects her in that the rhino has two horns. Frustrated, she renames it a “Twonicorn.” He still disagrees and they squabble over it.
Jogging On
Arriving at the Neanderthal settlement, she tells him to be normal. They attract a lot of attention as they ride in. Saffron greets everyone by name and dismounts skillfully. Kevin follows, landing on his face again. Miraculously, his glasses are fine.
As they move through the settlement, Saffron checks in on how well Loudest Voice (Byron Coll) is learning to count and chats with Grunt (Matty Rockel), introducing him to Kevin. They have a grunt exchange before Grunt moves on. Kevin asks Saffron how she’s able to communicate with the Neanderthals and when she learned to ride mammoths and throw spears. He’s also curious why all the Neanderthals talk like her. She reveals that she’s been living with them for nearly three years. While showing him the rock she marked to keep track of the days, she realizes that she’s now older than him.
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Kevin tries to tell her about their parents’ coal-ness but she insists on celebrating her new status as oldest sibling. Noting that he’d missed two of her birthdays, Kevin lets her get it out of her system.
Meanwhile, the Time Bandits pull the injured woolly rhino into the settlement on a sled. Bittelig plans to nurse it to health which is at odds with the Neanderthals’ instinct to eat it. Widgit and Penelope check in on Kevin and Saffron which sets Saff off again. Penelope asks Kevin if they’ll be leaving Saff with the Neanderthals.
Saffron brings Kevin and the Time Bandits to the Neanderthal Chief (Paul Waggott). Kevin learns that the entire clan knows him as Saffron’s boring brother, based on what she’s told them. Penelope offers to take Saffron with them but the Chief states that Saff belongs with them now. She’s a total legend having taught them banter, invented the chair, and instilled the spirit of Y.O.L.O. in them.
“You is the Leader”
The Chief focuses on Penelope and starts walking towards her, grunting and beating his chest. Trying to respond in kind, she half-heartedly beats her chest and vocalizes a grunt. The Chief takes that as a challenge and accepts it. Saffron explains that he sees Penelope as a threat because she’s a leader like him. Penelope argues that she’s not the leader because the Time Bandits vote, but using Saff-style debate phrases, the Chief insists she is and has to stand by her challenge.
Outside, Bittelig prepares to set the leg of the rhino, now named Twonicorn. Having no training or the proper supplies, Bittelig is understandably nervous and takes any opportunity to stall. The Neanderthals nearby continue to advocate for eating Twonicorn.
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Penelope asks Saffron what the Chief meant by a challenge. Saffron says it’s because they’re taking her away. It’ll probably be a physical challenge like being thrown in a freezing cold lake or being beaten with clubs. Penelope suggests they leave but Widgit and Penelope point out they won’t last a night out in the cold. Some of the Neanderthals bring furs to keep the Time Bandits warm.
Making Plans
Bittelig arrives too late for a full-sized fur and Saffron hands him the skin of an Ice Age squirrel. He protests that he was busy caring for Twonicorn. Kevin reminds them it isn’t a unicorn. Saffron bickers with him again. Howler suggests throwing Kevin off a cliff.
That night, Bittelig tells Twonicorn they’re going to save him. After Susan and Judy (Charlyne Ye), he couldn’t bear to lose Twonicorn as well. Sitting around the fire that night, Kevin tries to tell Saffron about their parents but the Chief arrives. He stares intently at Penelope and when she smiles back, he accuses her of mugging him off.
Kevin asks Saffron if they can talk somewhere private. Sitting down together, he tells her it’s about their parents. She’s talking about how much she misses them when he pulls out the lumps of coal. He tells her this is their parents after a run-in with a demon. Explaining about the map, he shares that the plan is to travel to a time before the demon encounter and stop the coal-ing from happening.
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Saffron asks if the demon has glowing eyes and hectic hair. Kevin confirms the description and Saffron swears she’d take Fianna (Rachel House) down if they met again. Kevin confesses that he feels like giving up. Saffron tells him that she did give up on getting home because she had to concentrate on surviving. But now that they’ve found each other, they can work together to save their parents. She points out how the Time Bandits never give up and neither can they.
The Walk of Fear
Just then, Bittelig gives up on trying to save Twonicorn, Alto gives up on teaching the Neanderthals theater, and Penelope gives up on making peace with the Chief. The Chief presents a choice of challenges. Either she fights Kaga (Bryony Skillington) or she must do the walk of fear, a solitary walk to a nearby rock in the dark. Penelope picks the walk.
In a shelter, Widgit and Bittelig try to sleep but they’re too cold. Widgit suggests skinning Twonicorn for its woolly coat. Bittelig refuses. Outside, Penelope’s making the walk of fear with only a small torch, talking herself up. Widgit continues to try to convince Bittelig to kill Twonicorn, pointing out that Alto’s nearly frozen to death. Bittelig peeks out at the woolly rhino again.
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Penelope reaches the rock and is about to touch it when she sees two glowing eyes in the shadows behind the rock. Calling them the eyes of death, she believes it’s the saber-toothed cat she hit with the breath mints earlier. Petrified, she apologizes for throwing the breath mints at it. Quickly touching the rock, she turns around and flees, muttering, “The eyes of death,” over and over as she returns to the settlement. Behind her, a Scrat-like creature with bright eyes emerges from the shadows and runs off.
Y.O.L.T.
As Penelope approaches the settlement, the Ice Age Fianna rock awakens. At the settlement, Bittelig approaches Twonicorn with a spear. He crosses paths with Penelope who only says, “The eyes of death,” to him. Bittelig raises the spear but when dawn breaks, he’s curled up with Twonicorn, sleeping. Widgit wakes him asking, “You couldn’t do it, could you?” Bittelig admits he couldn’t.
Saffron summons everyone to get ready to leave. She insists on going first because she’s older. Kevin points out he was still born first. They quarrel about this. Penelope breaks in to say she’s going in front. When Saffron tells her the big cats go after the front or back of a group, she changes her mind to the middle.
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The Chief comes to see them off, saying Penelope’s earned his respect by completing the walk of fear. He offers to co-lead with her if she’s willing to be his woman. Penelope states she has a fiancé. Kevin and Saffron explain to the Neanderthals they’re going to save their dead parents and make them alive again. This goes against the principles of Y.O.L.O. and throws the Neanderthals into an existential crisis. Saffron admits maybe Y.O.L.T. which they consider and accept.
Bittelig leaves instructions not to eat Twonicorn as he will return to heal him. As the Chief continues to propose to Penelope, they head for the next portal, Bittelig and Saffron asking when they can come back. Penelope wonders why they’d ever want to.
Time Bandits streams on Apple TV+, with two new episodes dropping every Wednesday.
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