Praise be to HBO — they hath blessed us with The Righteous Gemstones ‘ mega-sized series finale that’s not without some misbehavin’. Season 4 Episode 9, “That Man of God May Be Complete,” is the perfect send-off for this hilarious yet touching show. I laughed; I cried; I gasped. It’s a beautiful blend of edgy humor, high-stakes action and heartwarming moments. No car pranks this time, though.
Below, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite quotes from The Righteous Gemstones series finale.
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Ride the Pole
BJ: “Funny, I thought I needed this to prove how manly I was — riding this long, sleek pole up, only to drip down, slow, my thighs squeezing it, showing my strength. The mustache adding an exclamation point to the fact.”
BJ (Tim Baltz) may have healed with the aid of a diligent Dr. Watson, but he’s not keen on hopping back on the pole. Here, he explains how he thought pole dancing was a way to prove his masculinity. In true The Righteous Gemstones fashion, it’s inherently — and hilariously — sexual. I almost fell out of my chair the moment after this quote when BJ and Judy (Edi Patterson) dismantled the pole. It always gets dirty with those two crazy kids.
Anyway, I hope BJ at least continues to rollerblade. A man (with a mustache he definitely grew before a certain church pastor) needs a hobby.
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The Real Hero
UNCLE BABY BILLY: “I am so happy to be alive today! Back at work. Grateful that God granted me the focus of mind and the physical prowess, almost like that of a teen boy, to save the life of Eli Gemstone as well as my own. Now, I was a hero the night of the Gator Park Massacre because God made me a hero. I take no credit for myself. Zero credit, even though I did so much more work than Eli did.”
Uncle Baby Billy is one of Walton Goggins’ funniest characters. Season 4 sees Baby Billy embark on a new, audacious venture — a TV show centered on teen Jesus. Enter Teenjus, his magnum opus, if I’m being honest. Ever the control freak and perfectionist, Baby Billy takes over the titular role while directing the series.
He says the above quote right before shutting down production forever. It cracks me up that he reframes the Gator Park incident of the penultimate episode, dubbing himself the hero. Well, if you think about it, he prayed to God to bless his cocaine, so really, drugs save lives (and allow you to have the physical prowess of a Teenjus).
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Monkey Horror
JUDY: “Go in there and say hi. I mean, unless, of course, you’re afraid of some monkey horror-type stuff, where Dr. Watson sees you and flies into a rage and rips your lips off, yanks off your dick, bites off your fingers so he can cram them up your asshole. Sometimes, monkeys do express themselves that way.”
Nobody rattles off descriptions quite like Judy Gemstone. They’re colorfully explicit and occasionally horrifying. Patterson is a pro, though. I don’t know if I’d be able to recite Judy’s dialogue with a straight face. Thankfully, Dr. Watson doesn’t do any of the above and becomes a valuable member of the Gemstone family.
Permission to Use the Dipstick
JESSE: “As much as we miss Mama, we think it’s pretty cool your dipstick still works. And I think I speak on behalf of all of us when I say that we’re proud and, quite frankly, very impressed that you can still do c*ms.”
KELVIN: “Totally. And seeing as your daddy-cock still works, we want to let you know that we support you and you using it.”
JUDY: “And Daddy, whether it be with Ms. Lori or some other skibidi toilet c*m guzzler, we support you.”
The idea of these grown-ass adults being hyperfixated on their senior citizen father’s romantic escapades — and getting this graphic about it — kills me. Of course, if you recall, earlier in the season, Jesse (Danny McBride), Judy and Kelvin (Adam DeVine) walked in on Eli (John Goodman) and Lori (Megan Mullally) getting it on. Their reaction to it is hilarious. They also spend most of the season vehemently opposing their dad dating their late mother’s friend. The above exchange, though, serves as a turning point for our Gemstone trio.
Side note: Judy knowing about Skibidi Toilet feels on-brand for her.
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A Bag for Every Occasion
JUDY: “What the f**k is an everyday carry bag?”
KELVIN: “He’s not gonna know what that is, Jesse. Just call it a purse.”
JESSE: “It’s not a purse. It’s a cross-body sling bag for men.”
Even when their lives hang precariously in the balance, the Gemstones are gonna Gemstone. After Corey (Seann William Scott) shoots Jesse, Judy and Kelvin, our trio instructs Dr. Watson to grab Jesse’s gun from his purse — erm, an everyday cross-body sling bag for men. It’s not so much the content of this quote, but more them fighting over something so inane as they’re bleeding out. Hysterical.
You can stream every season of The Righteous Gemstones on Max.
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What I do: I'm GGA's Managing Editor, a Senior Contributor, and Press Coordinator. I manage, contribute, and coordinate. Sometimes all at once. Joking aside, I oversee day-to-day operations for GGA, write, edit, and assess interview opportunities/press events.
Who I am: Before moving to Los Angeles after studying theater in college, I was born and raised in Amish country, Ohio. No, I am not Amish, even if I sometimes sport a modest bonnet.
Bylines in: Tell-Tale TV, Culturess, Sideshow Collectibles, and inkMend on Medium.
Critic: Rotten Tomatoes, CherryPicks, and the Hollywood Creative Alliance.
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