Uncle Baby Billy is back. The delightful Walton Goggins and Valyn Hall return as the aforementioned UBB and Tiffany, respectively, to cause greed-filled mayhem on The Righteous Gemstones. “For Their Nakedness Is Your Own Nakedness,” Season 3 Episode 3, finds Baby Billy dissatisfied with his hefty lot in life. Apparently, residing in a swanky resort while performing every day poolside and drinking for free is not the bee’s knees. Thus, Baby Billy’s Bible Bonkers is born. Now, try saying that 10 times fast.
Besides all the UBB madness, Eli orders his kids to bond with their Montgomery cousins while he grows closer to his stubborn sister, May-May. Naturally, Cousins’ Night takes a turn for the weird and a sharp right at “dangerous” when a round of Bible Bonkers culminates in Karl choking on his food. However, the cousins quietly mend fences after the terrifying ordeal. God, I love this show.
“For Their Nakedness Is Your Own Nakedness” is a solid entry in the Gemstones-verse, as funny as all get-out while planting narrative seeds that’ll surely blossom later in the season. In honor of our fave obscenely wealthy family, here are my favorite quotes from episode three.
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KELVIN: “I know you’re not a cousin. You’re my … best dude friend of a cousin.”
KEEFE: “Wow. I’ve never done a Cousins’ Night before. Maybe I’ll bring some flames and the swords.”
KELVIN: “Yeah, totes. You should. But let’s keep our expecs in checks. My cousins are kinda diarrhea people.”
I’m sure everyone has a “best dude friend of a cousin,” right? Adam DeVine deftly captures the complexities of Kelvin’s feelings for Keefe in that “Christian dude is so far in the closet he’s halfway to Narnia” kind of way. Tony Cavalero plays off him perfectly as the perpetually awkward Keefe. Also, describing someone as a “diarrhea person” is being added to my lexicon as we speak.
Side note: Keefe performing his flaming sword show is one of my highlights from the episode. What makes it so funny is everyone’s respective reactions to the spectacle, ranging from Amber’s (Cassidy Freeman) confusion to Kelvin’s unadulterated joy.
UNCLE BABY BILLY: “You think you can ship me off to paradise? Make me sing by a pool all motherf*cking day, gettin’ a sun tan, drinkin’ piña coladas for free, livin’ in a penthouse? Huh? No. I’m an international known talent. I deserve more than that. You haven’t seen the last of me.”
JESSE: “Yeah, well, you’re our uncle. I’m assuming we’re gonna hear from you again.”
Listen, three quotes in this article include Uncle Baby Billy because I love him so gosh darn much. Nobody could play him like Walton Goggins. Hell, nobody else should play him. This monologue during the scene when Uncle Baby Billy pitches Baby Billy’s Bible Bonkers to Jesse (Danny McBride), Judy (Edi Patterson) and Kelvin cracks me up. How dare they give him everything he could ever want? He’s an international talent, dammit! Jesse’s almost deadpan response to said monologue is also hilarious.
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UNCLE BABY BILLY: “Lionel’s your cousin, dummy. How are you not gonna invite your first cousin to Cousins’ Night?”
JUDY: “Cousins’ Night is about adult cousins, dog. Ain’t no babies.”
UNCLE BABY BILLY: “Hey, Lionel’s your cousin. And you will damn well treat him like one. And I will not have baby Lionel miss out on proper cousins-ship just ’cause he’s young. Now, we gon’ do Cousins’ Night now.
BJ: “Baby Lionel’s eating dirt.”
Poor baby Lionel. Firstly, his parents almost abandon him in the church. Secondly, they let him eat dirt. Lastly, during the hectic Cousins’ Night scene, he’s seen snacking on cigarette butts like they’re candy. He will either have a gut of steel or never-ending digestive problems. At least my sweet BJ (Tim Baltz) cares if baby Lionel is consuming Mother Nature’s poo-poo. Also, Judy’s prejudice against baby cousins is noted.
UNCLE BABY BILLY: “Now, we’re comin’ to the Gemstones side of the table. Okay, little weirdo boy with the puppet muscles, who you?”
This line made me laugh out loud. “Little weirdo boy with the puppet muscles” is how I will describe Kelvin from here on out. Maybe add a bit of something about him being in love with Keefe. We all want Kelvin to embrace his love and live freely as himself. Something tells me his family, as f*cked up as they are, would support him. I digress. Uncle Baby Billy should describe every contestant on Bible Bonkers in this manner — just blatant but harmless insults.
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KELVIN: “Judy, keep your earrings on, girl.”
KARL: “Why is she taking her earrings off?”
JUDY: “‘Cause we finna fight, boy.”
This whole scene is tightly written and performed. Robert Oberst plays the perfect “straight man” as Karl, who’s merely confused as to why Judy removing her earrings is a bad sign. Edi Patterson can make anything Judy says sound simultaneously natural and ludicrous. It’s a gift. I usually laugh the hardest when Judy’s at her most ridiculous and inflated, and this moment is no exception. The “finna” is a nice touch. I’d like to see Judy in a legitimate fight. I have no doubt she’d triumph.
What are your favorite quotes from “For Their Nakedness Is Your Own Nakedness”? Sound off in the comments below!
The Righteous Gemstones airs new episodes every Sunday at 10 pm on HBO and Max.
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What I do: I'm GGA's Managing Editor, a Senior Contributor, and Press Coordinator. I manage, contribute, and coordinate. Sometimes all at once. Joking aside, I oversee day-to-day operations for GGA, write, edit, and assess interview opportunities/press events.
Who I am: Before moving to Los Angeles after studying theater in college, I was born and raised in Amish country, Ohio. No, I am not Amish, even if I sometimes sport a modest bonnet.
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