Praise be, The Righteous Gemstones is back for Season 3. “For I Know the Plans I Have for You,” Season 3 Episode 1, is a solid, consistently hilarious season opener. The outing rightfully brings sitcom queen Kristen Johnston into the fold as Eli’s younger sister while the Gemstone siblings figure out how to run the church without their father at the helm. 

This show hysterically fills the void Succession left behind, and this premiere proves it has staying power. Everything’s firing on all cylinders, from the writing to the rapid-fire jokes and the powerhouse comedic performances. Plus, it introduces a few narrative conflicts that’ll undoubtedly take this show to new heights. 

So, in honor of everyone’s favorite obscenely wealthy family (with no ludicrously capacious bags in sight) returning to bless our Sunday nights, here are the best quotes from “For I Know the Plans I Have for You.” 

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KELVIN and KEEFE: “No smut, no lust, no coconuts.” 

HBO needs to make a Smut Busters t-shirt, STAT. It would sell like hotcakes. By “sell like hotcakes,” I mean I’d pull a Smut Busters and purchase them all so nobody can use them for evil. Anyway, Kelvin (Adam DeVine) and Keefe (Tony Cavalero) are the cutest “bros.” I really need them both to emerge from the closet this season and kiss each other on the mouth for science. Also, their Smut Busters catchphrase is, dare I say, catchy. 

Judy and BJ embrace while standing in their house in The Righteous Gemstones Season 3 Episode 1, "For I Know the Plans I Have for You."

THE RIGHTEOUS GEMSTONES Season 3 Episode 1, “For I Know the Plans I Have for You.” Photo credit: Jake Giles Netter/HBO.

JUDY: “Which sh*tty poll numbers, Jesse? The ones where 85 percent said you’re colder than a f*cking ice cube shoved up a polar bear’s asshole?” 

JESSE: “I remember those same polls saying your songs are when most people at church go to take a sh*t.” 

JUDY: “Prove it, Jesse.” 

JESSE: “I will.” 

Is there anything funnier than the Gemstone siblings fighting? It’s so relatable from a familial standpoint, even if they’re filthy stinkin’ rich. Plus, DeVine, Edi Patterson and Danny McBride are so quick on the draw with their characters’ witty comebacks. This exchange between Jesse (McBride) and Judy (Patterson) cracked me up. Poor Eli (John Goodman). He merely wants to enjoy family lunch after church, but his ridiculous children make that nigh-on impossible. Side note: in case you were wondering, my favorite Gemstone siblings verbal battle is the “Bye, Felicia” scene in Season 2. I was crying the first time I watched it. 

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JESSE: “They’re so f*cking lucky. I wish that I had some traumatic event that happened to me that I can exploit and make people like us. Our origin story sucks compared to theirs. Nobody’s rooting for born-wealthy people to become more wealthy.” 

Jesse is so close to expressing aloud what the Gemstones actually do — exploit innocent folks for cash. However, he is right about nobody rooting for those born from wealth to become wealthier. He complains to Amber (Cassidy Freeman) about not having a traumatic origin story that he can leverage to make people like them. McBride is so damn funny in this role. A great follow-up exchange is when Amber relays the anecdote about Jay Leno breaking into the late-night talk show scene. Jesse fears the Gemstones might not be Leno, aka successful, but Conan O’Brien. Hey, listen, leave Conan out of this.

Eli wears a suit while standing in church and clasping his hands together in The Righteous Gemstones Season 3 Episode 1, "For I Know the Plans I Have for You."

THE RIGHTEOUS GEMSTONES Season 3 Episode 1, “For I Know the Plans I Have for You.” Photo credit: Jake Giles Netter/HBO.

JUDY: “We helped each other through a very trying time in our lives by dry humping twice and kissing three times — now that’s four.” 

Perhaps the biggest plot twist in “For I Know the Plans I Have for You” is Judy’s affair with her guitarist, Steven (Stephen Schneider). How can anyone cheat on dear, sweet BJ (Tim Baltz)? In typical Judy fashion, she spouts a hilarious quote while trying to weasel her way out of something. This time, she’s breaking ties with Steven. They had their whirlwind romance during Judy’s tour, but this is real life now. Sometimes, all one needs are two dry humping sessions and three kisses to truly overcome one’s struggles. 

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KELVIN: “Well, guess what? I’m re-firing him for infinity. Bye-bye, b*tch.” 

JUDY (to STEVEN): “You have to; two outvotes one.” 

JESSE: “Get the f*ck out of here. Sugar Ray-looking motherf*cker.” 

Admittedly, “Sugar Ray-looking motherf*cker” had me in stitches. Those frosted blonde tips! Steven’s plucked from the pages of a 2001 teen magazine. The problem with having three people at the top is that’s three people who can be at cross purposes. Plus, all that vetoing power. After Jesse attempts to fire Steven, Judy rehires him. Thankfully, Kelvin invokes the Rule of Infinity, so Steven is fired for, well, infinity. And beyond. 

What are your favorite quotes from “For I Know the Plans I Have for You”? Sound off in the comments below!

The Righteous Gemstones airs new episodes every Sunday at 10 pm on HBO and Max

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Melody McCune
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