Previously on The Princess Bride home movie… Humperdinck totally lost it because Buttercup called him a coward. So he killed Westley. Inigo found the Man in Black, a.k.a. Westley, and took his body.
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MIRACLE MAX
Inigo (John Cho) knocks on the door of Miracle Max (Seth Rogen). Miracle Max used to work for the King before Humperdinck fired him. Max is really salty about it, too. He’s so distraught that he won’t take any new clients for fear that he might kill them. But Westley is already dead, so Max takes a look at him.
Inigo offers all of their money, but it’s lower than what Max usually charges, unless it’s a noble cause. Inigo starts talking about Westley’s poor family, but Max doesn’t believe him. So Inigo admits he needs Westley’s help to avenge his father’s death. Max says his first story was better.
Max takes a bellow and airs up Westley’s lungs. He asks what Westley has to live for and pushes on his chest. Westley says, “True love.” Inigo is excited, saying true love is a noble cause. Max agrees but claims that’s not what Westley’s said. He said, “To blave,” which means to bluff.
HAVE FUN STORMING THE CASTLE!
Valerie (Ari Graynor), Max’s wife, jumps out and calls Max a liar. She says ever since Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered. That name makes Max cringe, so Valerie chases him around the room singing Humperdinck’s name. Valerie heard Westley say true love, and she’s ashamed that Max won’t say why he won’t really help.
Inigo informs them that Westley is Buttercup’s true love. If Max heals him, he will stop Humperdinck’s wedding. Meaning Humperdinck will suffer Humiliations Galore! That is a noble cause. Max is on the job!
Valerie coats the miracle pill with chocolate, saying it helps the pill go down better, but he has to wait 15 minutes for potency. Inigo takes the pill and leaves with Fezzik and Westley. Max and Valerie wave goodbye, wishing them well. “Have fun storming the castle!” Valerie asks Max if it will work. He says it will take a miracle.
HEAD JIGGLING
Inigo and Fezzik (both played by Catherine Reitman) carry Westley to a wall across from the castle. There’s more than 30 men. They can’t wait any longer and feed him the miracle pill. Westley (Taika Waititi) immediately wakes up, but he can’t move anything. He has a lot of questions about what’s going on. Inigo sums it all up.
Buttercup is marrying Humperdinck in half an hour. So all they have to do is get in, steal the Princess, break up the wedding and make their escape after Inigo kills Count Rugen.
Little by little Westley starts moving appendages, and Fezzik is excited for him. Westley asks for the details of Humperdinck’s security. The gate is guarded by 60 men. And their assets: Fezzik’s strength, Inigo’s steel and Westley’s brain. Impossible. Westley can’t plan something that quickly.
Westley starts thinking… if only they had a wheelbarrow. Fezzik left a wheelbarrow with the Albino from the Pit of Despair. But still, Westley needs a holocaust cloak. Fezzik pulls one out of his pocket. He got it from Miracle Max. Westley says he needs a sword. He can’t lift one, but that’s hardly common knowledge.
WEDDING DAY
Humperdinck and Buttercup (both played by Penelope Cruz) prepare for their wedding. Humperdinck notices that the Princess is not excited. Buttercup says she will not marry tonight. Westley will save her. It’s not long before Buttercup (Kimberly Brook) and Humperdinck (James Van Der Beek) are standing before a priest (John Malkovich). The ceremony begins as a commotion breaks out at the gates.
Fezzik (Charlize Theron), in the holocaust cloak, stands before the castle gates. He says he’s the Dread Pirate Roberts. His men are with him. The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no prisoners. All of their worst nightmares are about to come true. The Dread Pirate Roberts is there for their souls.
Humperdinck looks to Count Rugen (Meredith Salenger) and nods to check out the commotion. Buttercup says it’s Westley, but Humperdinck tells her that Westley is dead. She doesn’t believe him because he looks afraid. Humperdinck gets impatient and orders the priest to declare them Man and Wife. The priest obeys, and the ceremony is over. Humperdinck tells his men to escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. She believes that Westley hasn’t come.
NEXT TIME
Inigo runs into a room and Rugen throws a dagger at him, stabbing Inigo.
The Princess Bride, a home movie edition, airs weekdays on Quibi.
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