Previously on The Princess Bride home movie…

Westley and Princess Buttercup survived the Fire Swamp only to be captured by Prince Humperdinck. To ensure his safety, Buttercup offered to leave with Humperdinck if he returned Westley to his ship. Instead, Humperdinck instructed Count Rugen to put Westley in the Pit of Despair. 

RELATED: Recap The Princess Bride Home Movie Chapter 6, “The Fire Swamp” Here!

THE PIT OF DESPAIR

Westley (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) wakes up in the Pit of Despair while an albino man cleans up his shoulder wound. The Albino (Nicholas Braun) tells Westley, there’s no chance of escape or rescue. The one entrance is a secret that only the Prince, the Count and the Albino know of. Westley knows he’s there until he dies, but doesn’t understand why the Albino is curing him. The Albino says the Prince and the Count want everyone to be healthy before they break them. Westley assumes he’s to be tortured and he can cope with that. The Albino just shakes his head. He says Westley survived the Fire Swamp, so he must be brave. But no one withstands the machine.

The next morning, before dawn, the King died. So Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. Humperdinck (Chef José Andrés) addresses his subjects to introduce his queen. HOLD UP! The Kid (Logan Kim) stops his grandpa (Sarah Silverman) from reading. He says Buttercup is supposed to marry Westley. It wouldn’t be fair for her to marry Humperdinck. Grandpa says life isn’t fair. The Kid thinks Grandpa is messing up the story and tells him to get it right. Grandpa considers stopping, but The Kid wants him to continue. Grandpa says no more interruptions. 

Humperdinck introduces his queen, Buttercup (Jennifer Garner). Buttercup steps out and a lady starts booing her. The Ancient Booer (also Garner) says Buttercup had love in her hands. It was love that saved her in the Fire Swap and she threw him away like garbage. The Booer calls her rubbish, filth, slime and continues to boo until Buttercup wakes up from her nightmare. It’s 10 days until the wedding and the King still lives. The Kid was right… I guess.

Buttercup (Zoe Saldana) jumps out of bed and runs to Humperdinck’s (Don Johnson) chambers. She tells the Prince that she loves Westley and she always will. If she still has to marry the Prince, she will kill herself by morning. Humperdinck agrees to call the wedding off. He tells her to write four letters and he will send his four fastest ships in each direction to find Westley. If Westley still wants her, he will let her go. But if he doesn’t want her, Humperdinck asks her to consider him as an alternative to suicide. Buttercup says her Westley will always come for her. 

HUMPERDINCK’S MASTER PLAN

Later Count Rugen (Andy Serkis) compliments the Princess and her appeal. Humperdinck (Elijah Wood) agrees, saying the people are quite taken with Buttercup. He says when he thought it was clever to hire Vizzini to kidnap and murder the Princess. It’s going to be more moving when he strangles Buttercup on their wedding night. He will blame Guilder and the nation will be so outraged, they will demand Florin goes to war. 

Rugen looks for the secret knot to the Pit of Despair. He’s going to start Westley on “the machine.” He asks if the Prince is joining them. The Prince loves watching the Count work, but he has so much to do. He has the country’s 500th anniversary to plan, a wedding to arrange, a wife to kill and Guilder to blame for it. Rugen tells him to make sure to rest. If you haven’t got your health, you haven’t got anything.

The Albino straps down Westley to the table while Count Rugen (Stephen Merchant) tells him about the machine. It took him half a lifetime to invent it. He has a deep and abiding interest in pain. He’s writing a book on it, so he needs Westley to be totally honest on how the machine makes him feel. He puts Westley on the lowest setting and begins.

Westley groans in pain for about a minute. Rugen says the machine just sucked one year of Westley’s life. One day he might go as high as five, but he really doesn’t know what that would do to Westley. He reminds Westley that this is for posterity and asks him how he feels. Westley sobs quietly and Rugen records his reaction, calling it interesting.

NEXT TIME…

Humperdinck (Ernie Hudson) is yelling at someone saying no man in a century will suffer as great as he will. Rugen (Merchant) jumps up and screams, “NOT TO 50!”

The Princess Bride, a home movie edition, airs weekdays on Quibi.

 

 

Noetta Harjo
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