Ted Lasso continues its streak of hilarity with Season 3 Episode 2, “(I Don’t Want to Go to) Chelsea.” It’s easily one of the funniest outings in the show’s history, especially on the running gags and sitcom tropes front. The episode is more lighthearted than most, and we reunite with a few old friends. “(I Don’t Want to Go to) Chelsea” is a damn fun time.
In honor of the show returning for a third and final (sobs) season, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite quotes from “(I Don’t Want to Go to) Chelsea.” Peruse at your peril.
JAMIE: Well, sorry. I forget how skittish elderly people could be ’cause of the war.
Jamie (Phil Dunster) calling Roy (Brett Goldstein) “elderly” will never get old (Get it?). I love this glimpse into their new dynamic. You can tell that Roy’s knee-jerk reaction is to be antagonistic to Jamie, while the latter’s automatic response is to toss out cheeky remarks about Roy’s age. In addition, I love that Jamie didn’t fall into old patterns by instantly pursuing Keeley (Juno Temple) after learning she’s single. Instead, he genuinely wants to check in on his buddy Roy—my heart.
TED: I need you to run to my apartment, go into my desk, and grab my CD called “Ted’s Breakup Mix.” Okay?
WILL: Got it. What’s a CD?
Oof. This line got me. Ted (Jason Sudeikis) asks Will (Charlie Hiscock), our resident kit man, to retrieve a CD from his flat that’s titled “Ted’s Breakup Mix.” Unfortunately, Will, being the youngster he is, doesn’t know what a compact disc is. I’m a Millennial, and this exchange made me feel approximately 73 years older than my age. On a lighter note, I dig the idea of Ted making mixes for everything in life. I wonder what would make the cut for his breakup mix CD?
TED: Hallmark movies are films that feature women from the big city falling in love with their childhood crushes. It’s usually some fella that owns a Christmas tree farm. Sometimes, he’s also Santa Claus or a prince. They suck, but they’re great. But they also mostly suck. But they’re also kinda great. They’re good with the sound off.
Apparently, Hallmark isn’t a thing in the UK like it is here. Ted quietly explains the channel to Roy during their Chelsea game. His explanation cracked me up because it’s so damn accurate. Hallmark movies do suck, but, in his words, “they’re kinda great.” Sudeikis sticks the comedic landing when Ted wavers between his conflicting opinions. However, his final line, “They’re good with the sound off,” killed me. The accuracy!
DANI: I haven’t been this nervous to play in front of someone since I was in El Chapo’s youth league.
Dani (Cristo Fernández) always has fun one-liners; this episode is no exception. Did you know he had to play for El Chapo when he was younger? Neither did I. Of course, it’s understandable why Dani was nervous about playing football in front of the famed drug lord and international crime syndicate leader. At least he emerged from the situation in one piece. Our sweet Dani.
REBECCA: You are such a f*cking chickensh*t. I mean, if you were great, truly great, you could play anywhere. But instead, you choose a club like West Ham because it’s big and shiny, and you know that they’ll win whether you’re there or not. And you’ll never have to wonder if you’re still as good as you tell everyone you are. But you and I know that you’re not. You’re overrated. You’re overpaid. And you eat too much f*cking asparagus.
My queen Rebecca (Hannah Waddingham) delivers the goods in “(I Don’t Want to Go to) Chelsea.” She effectively puts Zava (Maximilian Osinski) in his place because, let’s face it, he was acting like a bona fide douche canoe. Seriously, this is a mic-drop-worthy monologue, even post-asparagus line. It was enough to bring Zava into the Richmond fold, so her “sour yell” yielded dividends. Oh, Rebecca, how I love thee. You are a badass.
What are your favorite quotes from “(I Don’t Want to Go to) Chelsea”? Sound off in the comments below!
Ted Lasso drops new episodes every Wednesday on Apple TV+.