ROBOT STUFFED DOLLS ARE COMING FOR YOU!

by Jason Shomer

I have a confession: I like to torture.

The difference between me and other torturers, is that I always had one, and only one, target: my little sister.

First off, let it be known that I’ve never (purposely) inflicted at bodily harm to my kid sister. Being nine years older, it just seemed way too easy to flick the back of her ear, trip her or even grab her hand to make her repeatedly “hit herself.”

No, my torture was always mental. Deliciously mental.

When it comes to mental torturing of a younger sibling, there are different roads a sick teenager, such as myself, could follow. I chose nighttime terror. Sometimes I would hide 20 minutes in her closet after she went to bed…then start growling. Or, I would leave a rubber snake under her covers. I once woke her up frantically, insisting that aliens had invaded the Earth and one was in our parents’ room…eating their faces.

Looking back, the majority of my evil plans were kind of lame. Sure, I’d get a scream or even a cry…but eventually I had used up all my ideas. Plus, my sister was on to me after a few years of torture. After some time, she was nowhere near as easy to scare. I had to pull out the big guns…or retire altogether.

The vision of my master plan came to light when I was walking through the mall. Remember Troll Dolls? Well, my sister hated those things. To her, they were creepy and reminder her of aliens…which she feared the most (besides thunder and lightning, which I was yet to recreate). There was store in the mall which was having a blow-out sale of those things. I bought a bunch of them…then I asked everyone I knew…and borrowed as many as I could. One friend actually gave me a few 3-ft tall trolls that they had.

When the time was right, I waited for my sister to fall asleep…then went to work. I quietly surrounded her bed and shelves with all the troll dolls. I placed the giant ones on the floor…right in front of her pillow. I plugged in a black-light and clicked it ON. Then…I yelled her name AS LOUD AS I COULD! She sat up and saw a hundred little glowing eyes looking at her. On the floor, two creatures reached out with extending arms.

Glory. Pure glory.

I’m pretty sure I never scared my sister like that again. As simple as the plan was, it took a lot of planning and collecting. I then had to return all the trolls to the store to get my money back…I couldn’t afford all of ‘em! So, when I read about Google’s plans for ROBOT STUFFED ANIMALS, I couldn’t help but think how AWESOME that would have been during those adolescent years.

Presently, Google’s development of robotic stuffed toys is on the major down-low. Just recently, their registered patent of this idea had been made public. Their inventors, Richard DeVaul and Daniel Aminzade, write in the patent, that the stuffed animal will not only interact with different devices (TV, tablet, phone, etc) but with humans as well…human children, one can only assume.

The motors and eye-recognition can allow the dolls to make eye-contact and react to different situations…even express emotions. So, if you were walking in the living room and accidentally step on it (like I step on my kids toys just about every night) you may hear reactions like, “ouch…that hurt…watch it…are you trying to kill me…?”

So what does this mean for me? Besides a new babysitter option for my kids, I’m thinking I may have to come out of torturer-retirement. If I can get a few of these things to camp out in my sister’s apartment…I think I may be able to top the great TROLL DOLL INVASION OF 1990.

I just hope her husband won’t be too pissed about it…

Jason Shomer is a writer, actor, part-time stay at home dad, part-time waiter who enjoys uncomfortable short walks on the beach.