Merry Christmas, Nine-Niners! While this year has been the biggest of Debbie Downers, to put it lightly, we can still celebrate the holidays safely and securely in front of our televisions. Ergo, I thought it was high-time I ranked the Christmas episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Even though we haven’t had a truly festive outing since Season Four (Seasons Five-Seven are sorely bereft), Brooklyn Nine-Nine has made its mark in the holiday-themed sitcom world. 

So, without further ado, I present you with my ranking of Brooklyn Nine-Nine‘s holly jolly installments. And what better time to do it than the eve of Santa’s most toight sojourn around the globe? Full disclosure: all of these episodes are noice, so my ranking doesn’t sully their merit in any way, shape or form. 

RELATED: Catch up with our Brooklyn Nine-Nine recaps here!

4. “Captain Latvia” (S04E10)

Boyle (Joe Lo Truglio) enlists Jake’s (Andy Samberg) help in tracking down his son Nikolaj’s (no, it’s pronounced “Nikolaj”) Christmas present. Nikolaj is a huge fan of Captain Latvia, Latvia’s signature superhero. However, Boyle and Jake are enmeshed within a Latvian criminal ring. Meanwhile, at the precinct, the rest of the crew goes head-to-head with the MTA for the annual Christmas carol competition. Not toight: as it turns out, the MTA boasts a bevy of angelic voices. 

As much as I love the A-story with Jake and Boyle, I think I prefer the B-story overall, which is a rarity for me with Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been in choirs and I know just how competitive singers can get. Plus, I love that Patrick (Lance Barber a.k.a. Bill Ponderosa from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia), a drunk guy arrested for public intoxication, is the precinct’s only hope for surpassing the MTA. Booze gives him the confidence to sing, so our group of detectives allows him to be drunk in public so they can win the competition. 

A highlight from Boyle and Jake’s escapades includes the former trying to seduce a woman at the Latvian criminal ring’s club. It’s very sensual and somehow doesn’t involve Boyle washing the woman’s hair. We all know that’s the most sensual thing anyone can do. 

Still of cast of Brooklyn Nine-Nine in "Captain Latvia."

The clear winners over the MTA: the 99th precinct with a singing drunk dude.

3. “The Pontiac Bandit Returns” (S02E10)

“Take a good look, kids. This is what happens when you’re naughty!” Jake manages to catch Doug Judy (Craig Robinson) while donning Old Saint Nick’s threads. But instead of rotting away in a jail cell, Rosa (Stephanie Beatriz) believes he may be of help since he claims to know the identity of the “Giggle Pig” dealer. Holt (Andre Braugher) offers Judy a plea deal in exchange for the successful takedown of said dealer. However, Judy demands special treatment — the information he possesses is vital, after all. Time for a swanky hotel room, bottomless shrimp platters and luxurious bathrobes! 

Meanwhile, Boyle and Gina (Chelsea Peretti) are worried that their parents are getting too close. It would be weird for Gina and Boyle to go from lovers to siblings, right? Amy (Melissa Fumero) crafts a Christmas gift for Holt despite the latter’s wishes against such a thing. We don’t exchange gifts at the Nine-Nine, Santiago! She curates an intricate scrapbook that details Holt’s accomplishments. Amy finds a mistake regarding one of Holt’s solved cases, and while our favorite Dadptain despises “bootlickers,” he does appreciate being alerted of his blunders. Holt asks Amy to reopen the case with him. 

Any Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode with Doug Judy/Jake shenanigans is bound to be hysterical. Robinson and Samberg have impeccable chemistry as well as excellent comedic timing. They’re like Romeo and Juliet. Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy in Pretty in Pink. Two star-crossed best buds from opposite sides of the tracks. These references are current and not antiquated. 

2. “Christmas” (S01E11)

Ah, the Brooklyn Nine-Nine Christmas episode that started it all. Jake is assigned to be Holt’s bodyguard after the captain receives death threats. Jake, elated at the prospect of playing out a well-worn movie trope, sequesters Holt away in a safe house. And yes, in case you’re wondering, they also watch the film Safe House to really get the safe house experience. Terry (Terry Crews) undergoes a psych evaluation to determine whether he can safely return to the field. Amy attempts to create the perfect Christmas card for Holt with Gina’s aid. 

Eventually, Holt, Jake and Boyle discover the source of the death threats. Colin “The Freestyle Killer” Haines, a man that Holt put away for a long time, is back on the streets and ready for vengeance. Boyle becomes a hero when he takes a bullet in the butt for Rosa. Lieutenant Peanut Butter, who? 

Christmas aside, this episode is classic Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Jake and Holt’s rapport is top-notch. This aired around the beginning of the series when the pair were still trying to figure out their dynamic. Sandberg and Braugher make the perfect odd couple. Not to mention, I love Terry’s storyline and how he refuses to stay on the sidelines when he knows Holt’s life is in danger. This episode is the pinnacle of toight. Festive stylez. 

Still of Andy Samberg and Joe Lo Truglio in Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

Pictured: Jake Peralta and John McClane.

1. “Yippie Kayak” (S03E10)

You knew “Yippie Kayak” would be number one. In my eyes, this was an easy choice for the top spot. Jake gets to live out his Die Hard dreams when a store at Christmas is overtaken by a gang of criminals. Terry’s family is irked when he’s forced to leave them on Christmas Eve to save Jake, Boyle and Gina. He’s saving lives, y’all! Amy tries to prove she’s just as tough as Holt and Rosa by partaking in a swimming challenge in the Atlantic Ocean … in December. Talk about freezing cold. 

This Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode boasts action, adventure, hostage situations, comedy, Die Hard references and Gina using her lighter like a flamethrower. It’s a masterpiece of Christmas television. Boyle basking in a John McClane moment over Jake is what the world needs, because otherwise “Yippie kayak, other buckets” wouldn’t exist. Boyle Britta-ed the movie’s most famous tagline … and it’s perfection. In all honesty, I think this episode supports the legitimate belief that Die Hard is a Christmas movie. 

RELATED: Ranking the Halloween Heist Episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine

How would you rank the Christmas episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Sound off in the comments below! Merry Christmas, Nine-Niners, and may your holidays be the toightest of toight. Yippie kayak, other buckets! 

 

 

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