The narrator prefaces My Lady Jane Season 1 Episode 2, “Wild Thing,” with, “If you ever find yourself faking a fatal disease to avoid saying, ‘I do,’ first, check there isn’t a royal medic in the congregation. Because if you don’t, you might find yourself strapped to a table by a sadist with a penchant for knifework.”
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That’s pretty much the episode in a nutshell. Every action has a reaction. The more active the character, the deeper the hole they dig.
My Lady Jane’s “Wild Thing”
While Guildford (Edward Bluemel) waits at the altar, Jane (Emily Bader) is strapped to a table. Dr. Butts (Kevin Eldon) shows her his many cutting instruments and takes a sample of the fake blood Jane dribbled out in her ruse. He tastes it and declares she has no Affliction.
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However, he plans to bleed out her melancholy and unladylike aggression. Before he can stab her foot, she sits up and declares herself completely cured, thanks to his masterful healing. Calling to her mother, Lady Frances (Anna Chancellor), she says she’s healed. Lady Frances is smug in her victory.
A Marriage
They return to the church, and she marries Guildford. At the reception, she’s angry at herself for giving in to the marriage. She and Guildford snipe at each other over wine.
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Lady Frances takes her by the arm and assures her that the marriage will empower her. Jane scoffs at the idea. Frances reminds Jane that she has royal blood in the couple. Guildford’s grandfather was an accountant, while Jane’s great-grandfather was King Henry VII.
Meanwhile, Lord Dudley (Rob Brydon) whispers to Guildford that he must consummate the marriage with haste. His euphemisms for sex are bewildering. “Twang, twang, twang.”
Frances and Guildford’s brother, Stan Dudley (Henry Ashton), sit together at dinner and flirt. At the head table, Jane and Guildford continue to spar verbally. Jane reminds her sister, Margaret (Robyn Betteridge), that she’s only ten and should only drink beer. Margaret retorts that she loves wine.
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Lord Dudley makes a speech, toasting the couple and coaching them to be amiable and friendly. The Princess Bess (Abbie Hern) also toasts them, offering her blessings as well as Edward’s. When the court jester makes a joke about Edward’s failing health, Bess reprimands him and all those present. She assures everyone that Edward is alive and safe.
“Incorrect”
At the palace, Princess Mary (Kate O’Flynn) helps Edward (Jordan Peters) drink his wine while Lord Seymour (Dominic Cooper) offers a filtered report of the wedding.
Edward sends them away, claiming fatigue. Once they are gone, he whistles to Petunia, who turns back into a woman (Tallulah Greive) and brings out the cheese and bread hidden for him. She offers a plan on how to find his poisoner. He muses about how he’ll have the poisoner executed, then repeats back Petunia’s plan as his own. He hopes Jane is having fun.
“Jane Is Not Having Fun”
The narrator explains that while Jane is feeling both nervous and horny. She lusts for Guildford even though she knows he’s not her type. The bedding ceremony, a public consummation of the marriage, is about to happen. The guests call for a kiss. Guildford pulls her into a deep dip, but when she tries to kiss him, he responds, “As if,” echoing her from the tavern, and stands them both up, rejecting her publicly.
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Jane’s middle sister, Katherine (Isabella Brownson), notices a handsome man, and their eyes meet. Jane sees another man sneaking away from the party. He steps out of sight, and a cat emerges from the alcove. Jane follows him and catches him stealing the wedding gifts. She asks him if he knows Susannah (Máiréad Tyers), and he tells her that Ethians don’t all know each other. He escapes just as Guildford comes in.
They discuss their respective reasons for marrying each other. Jane declares her intention to leave him because of his infamous reputation as a rake. Lord Dudley and Katherine come in to fetch them for the bedding ceremony.
“Hold Anything Firm Firmly”
Guildford and Jane are shoved into the bed and covered with a sheet while the crowd cheers. Under the covers, Guildford coaches her through how to fake the consummation so the crowd will leave.
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Once they’re alone, Guildford tries to ask Jane about a personal dilemma but chickens out and reaches for the wine. It ruins the moment, and Jane harangues him about needing liquid courage. When he asserts that he is her lord husband and she must love, honor, and obey him, she throws a goblet of wine in his face. He tries to throw his at her and misses. She grabs a robe and storms out into a dressing room that locks behind her. He leaves her there.
In the gift room, Frances is riding Stan. She climaxes and dismounts. Frances notices mold in the ceiling and asks about it. Stan confesses that his father isn’t as rich as reputed. She exchanges oral sex for the details of the Dudley fortune or lack thereof.
The Princess Royal
In Princess Mary’s chambers, Seymour is bathing and invites her to join him. She reminds him testily that she detests bathing. He cautions her to have patience. He assures her she will be queen. They have different goals once she is on the throne. He wants to get married. She wants to eradicate all Ethians.
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He offers her a ring, but she declines it in favor of a ring with an eye on it that her father gave Seymour. Since Henry VIII kissed it when he gave it to Seymour, she licks it and considers it equal to getting the late king’s blessing.
The Morning After
In the early morning, a maid comes in and, hearing Jane banging on the dressing room door, lets her out. She directs Jane down to the stables to find Guildford.
Jane finds Guildford naked in the stables, showering using a suspended bucket of water. She’s enthralled.
Once he’s done washing, she goes on the offensive, accusing him of locking her in the dressing room. He reminds her that she locked herself there, then warns her to leave as the dawn begins to break. He begs her to go, and she refuses. When she asks why, he suddenly turns into a horse.
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She demands that he change back. Lord Dudley arrives with the groom, Rupert (Stewart Scudamore). He explains Guildford can’t change back until sunset.
He informs Jane, and she, Guildford in horse form, and Rupert will embark on a honeymoon trip immediately. She tries to refuse, but Lord Dudley reminds her that if anyone learns about the marriage between a Verity and an Ethian, everyone involved will be executed.
A King in Disguise
Edward, wearing commoners’ clothing, accompanied by Petunia in dog form, investigates where the poison came from in the nearest village. He is delighted to be mistaken for a regular person. Petunia spots a woman selling herbs. While Edward talks to her, Petunia sniffs around for the poison.
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Some Kingsland guards march through the market, escorting a beaten old woman who protests that she’s only a field mouse. Edward tries to ask the guards where they’re taking her, but they ignore him.
Edward asks about poison from the herbalist, who insists she has no idea what it is. Petunia, now in woman form, walks over and throws a small metal box marked “Tofana” at Edward. With Petunia holding a blade to her throat, the herbalist confesses she sold the poison to a man in a cloak wearing a ring that looked like an eyeball. She gets away and tells them to leave, flipping them both middle fingers for emphasis.
As they walk away, Edward tries out the gesture and asks Petunia what it means. She explains, and he looks more closely at the poison. He decides to find Jane.
A Horse for a Husband
Returning to the castle, Jane decides to sell some of her wedding gifts to fund her escape. The gift room is empty except for one locked chest, which the maid tells her is going on honeymoon with her. Stan arrives with a small chest and taunts her with his knowledge of Guildford’s horse nature.
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He tells her the chest just came from the king for her. She opens it and finds a sheathed dagger that she and Edward played with as children. Stan leaves, and she opens the handle of the dagger to find a tiny note from Edward telling her to meet at their secret place at noon.
Cloak and Dagger
She finds Edward and Petunia waiting for her in the gardens. She returns the dagger to him. He tells her he has a friend who may have ingested Tofana. She tells him it’s a fatal poison. She offers to stay and help his friend, but he tells her she must attend to her wifely duties.
This sets her off, and she nearly tells him that Guildford is an Ethian. She reminds him that she used to be able to confide in him. They argue and insult each other. She storms away.
The King’s News
Edward convenes his courtiers and announces that someone there has been poisoning him. Lord Dudley and Seymour speak over each other to assure the king they will find the culprit.
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Edward states if the culprit isn’t found, he’ll assume they’re all guilty and will boil them all together. He uses his newly-learned gesture to tell them to bugger off.
In the corridor, Lord Seymour and Dudley discuss the king’s health and the need to investigate the poisoning. They agree profusely, as only Englishmen who truly hate each other can.
Seymour rushes to tell Mary that the king knows about the poisoning. She tells him she’s taking charge and he must follow her instructions exactly.
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Lord Dudley finds Stan and directs him to find the king’s will and bring it to him. Stan’s reluctant to move quickly. Dudley becomes stern and orders him to move.
The Honeymoon
In the carriage on her honeymoon, Jane asks for a bathroom break. Returning, she sends Rupert and the other guard off to use the tree. Left alone, she looks for the key to the trunk but is interrupted by a brigand. She opens the chest on his demands and finds only books. When he tries to abduct her, she hits him with a book and keeps throwing books at him until he runs off—now a black goat.
Stan rushes to Lady Frances and tells her King Edward’s will is missing. She tells him that they’re all f**ked.
In the king’s chambers, Edward and Petunia are playing cards when Lords Seymour and Dudley arrive with Princesses Mary and Bess and some other attendants. Seymour announces that Dudley is the poisoner. Dudley chokes on his apple. Seymour searches his cloak and finds a box of Tofana.
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Dudley protests it isn’t his. Edward examines the box. Mary physically attacks Dudley. Edward orders Dudley arrested and locked up in the Tower of London. Petunia is barking loudly. Mary tells Bess to take the dog away. Mary offers her cloak to Edward and insists they move him to the north turret. As she leans in, he sees Seymour’s ring on a chain around her neck and realizes it’s the eyeball ring the herbalist identified.
Too Late
Mary realizes Edward knows and shakes a powder into his face, knocking him out.
Jane and Guildford arrive at their first honeymoon stop. She is intrigued by the books Guildford has smuggled into their luggage. Once Guildford is in human form, she asks him why he can’t change at will. When she asks why his books are about curing Ethianism, he tells her to fetch the wine. He explains he married her because she’s smart and clever. He hopes that she can figure out a cure for him.
Realizing he married her for her brain, she is instantly all-in, but she tells him she desires independence above all else. He promises to grant her a divorce if she finds a cure. He walks her to her room. They share a sexually charged moment and then part ways.
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In the north turret, Edward wakes up alone. He blocks the door so Mary and Seymour can’t come in. Climbing into the window casement, he holds out his knife, ready to defend himself. When Mary breaks open the door, the room is empty, and the window pane is open. They decide he must’ve died trying to escape. Mary crows that Edward is dead and weeps with happiness as the camera zooms in on Edward’s cloak floating in the moat.
All eight episodes of My Lady Jane are streaming on Prime Video.
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