Good tidings! Welcome back to Millennial Misremembers, where I look back at entertainment from my childhood. You know, that content we try not to overthink about, lest our brain explodes from trying to remember it. It’s better to bask in the hazy glow of foggy childhood memories. This time, I’m rewatching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

So, I’ll tell you what I think I remember, and then I’ll rewatch and recap the classic TV movie. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer premiered on December 6, 1964. Also, this edition of Millennial Misremembers is extra special because I roped a good friend of mine into watching this masterpiece with me. I’ve added highlights of our text conversations throughout the watch. 

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What I (mis)remember

I have mixed feelings about Rudolph. On the one hand, my family watched it a lot, so the nostalgia factor’s high. However, though I know I identified with Rudolph back in the day, thinking back on it, I now find the message a bit messed up? Like, it’s OK to ostracize you … until you prove helpful to us?

I’m worried Rudolph isn’t gonna be in line with the holiday spirit. I mean … look at the list of TV Tropes it fulfills. Still, Rudolph’s just so durn Ka-YUTE, you know? I’ve def had a few Rudolph plushies in my time.

Also … “Eat, Santa, Eat!” is something I’ve shouted at people my whole life. It confuses people, especially my exes here in Turkey. 

Let’s rewatch!

We open with some old-timey stock footage about a 12-day Cold Wave and blizzards that might postpone Christmas! We then meet Sam the Snowman (Burl Ives), who greets us and introduces us to Christmas Town, the North Pole. He also presents the Clauses to us:

“Eat, eat, eat!” shouts Mrs. Claus (Peg Dixon)! Ooo. Is it not “Eat, Santa, Eat?”

This blizzard reminds Sam of a very famous Christmas story. And he sings to us: I’m gonna tell you about Rudolph. He starts naming off Santa’s Reindeer, asking us if we recall the most famous reindeer of allllllll … and opening credits. 

So, Donner (Paul Kligman) has just become proud papa to Rudolph (Billie Mae Richards) — until he realizes that Rudolph’s got a red lightbulb for a nose. The red nose freaks out even Santa (Stan Francis). He says he would never let a red-nosed reindeer on his sled team … because? Because ableism? Or because it emits shrieking electronic feedback?

Millennial Misremembers: Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer: Image text message bubbles:  "And this is a man's work" "YUUUP" "This is like a masterclass in what's wrong with the society with the patriarchy" "Why is Santa such a BLEEP" "It's just shame fest. Santa's a CEO"

So that he can still find it within himself to love his son, Donner covers Rudolph’s nose with mud, but his “nonconformity” still comes through. (Ya can’t pray the gay away, Donnie!) Somehow, Donner still musters up the courage to love his son. He teaches Rudy how to be a “good boy” and how to hide from the Abominable Snow Monster (Larry D. Mann). 

Next, we meet the indentured servants elves. Well, specifically, we meet Hermey (Paul Soles), who’s shamed because he doesn’t like to make toys; he wants to be a dentist. He sings a song about being a misfit … and it’s unfortunate because it’s not just about how hard it is to be a misfit. It’s more like, “Why am I a misfit?”

Millennial Misremembers Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer-IMAGE: Text message bubbles: "'Someday I'd like to be a dentist - omg are they Child laborers?" "OMG" "YAAAAAS QUIT!!!!!!" "Do it! OMG. So rude."

Over in the reindeer cave, Donner forces Rudy to hide his true self yet again and excuse me while I cry. 

Meanwhile, the elves sing a song about elves and how much they love being overworked, forced labor. What’s worse, Santa hates it. He peaces out after telling them to work harder. The overseer Head Elf (Carl Banas ) blames Hermey for the choir’s suckiness, as he missed elf practice. Hermey was practicing how to make dolls with pearly white teeth. He’ll never fit in! 

So, Hermey runs away.

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Now, Comet the Coach-pal (Kligman) comes to teach the young bucks how to fly, but they’re more interested in flirting with the does. Rudolph goes and flirts with Clarice (Janis Orenstein). She’s sweet but notices his nose is funny (the mud covering makes him sound perpetually congested).

Of course, she calls him cute, which sends Rudolph flying, literally (“She said I’m cuuuuuute!!!”). Out of pride, Rudolph and his “friends” engage in some manly wrassling, causing his nose cover to fly off. Everyone sees his nose glow (like a lightbulb). 

Millennial Misremembers Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer: IMAGE: TEXT bubbles: "Lollll"  "ahhhh heteronormativity." "YES. Let's teach kids to bully and make fun of each other! build character!"

Santa’s ashamed of Donner and Rudolph. And all of the other reindeer won’t let Rudolph join in any reindeer games. Except for Clarice. She likes his red nose because she’s a peach. And she has an excellent polka-dot bow. Unfortunately, Clarice’s dad is a prejudiced jerkface and takes his daughter home. 

And now comes our misfit meet-cute! Rudolph and Hermey meet under a Christmas tree, and they run away together.

Millennial Misremembers Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer: IMAGE: text message bubbles: "oh and the misfits band together only bc they're misfits. "can they hook up?" "I hope so." "Omg and Sam has the gall to shame them for running away." "yuuuuuuuup."

#Hermdolph makes it through the first night in the cold and meets up with Yukon Cornelius (Mann), a burly mountain man. A polar bear, if you will. Our lil misfits go with him, but unfortunately, the Abominable Snow Monster crawls after them. 

Millennial Misremembers Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer: IMAGE: text message bubbles: "What is this guy on?" "Did he just kidnap them?" "hahahah good point. LOL."

 They escape on a tiny ice float. But … where are they headed?

Back home, Donner feels guilty about being a jerk, but when Mrs. Donnner — yes, that’s her name — wants to help, he shuts it down. So, Mrs. Donner and Clarice burn their proverbial bras and go searching independently.

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Our gang of misfits ends up on the Island of Misfit Toys, where they sing the most memorable song from the show:

But like … umm, as a kid, I woulda played with ANY of those toys? At least the Misfit Toys know Santa is the problem. The Misfits Boys want to stay on the Island, so they have to petition Aslan The King (Francis), who says NOPE. He’s all, like, umm; you’re alive, you can’t live here. He implores them to ask Santa to save the Misfit Toys. But, they’re allowed to spend the night. Mmm cozy.

Millennial Misremembers Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer: IMAGE text message bubbles: "This is also the  Gayest Island Ever." "you can be the liege lord of the misfit toys. this movie scares me lol" "I should smoked some weed before watching." "I'm scared by just how well defined and entrenched the social hierarchy is." "Honestly, yes, it's horrifying." "yes Rudolph, you must eat the narrator."

Sadly, Rudolph still thinks he’s a problem for his friends and escapes. Oh, honey. Rudolph goes off and exists in the tundra and pulls a Lion King and “Hakuna Matatas” his way into adulthood and home. Where his peers still have nothing better to do than tease him.

Santa is semi-kind to Rudolph because now he’s worried about Rudy’s family, who’s missing. But only because he needs Donner to drive his sleigh. Honestly, I don’t believe this Santa even likes children. 

Somehow, Rudy realizes his family and friends are with the Snow Monster, and he goes to rescue them. It is not a successful attempt.

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Thank goodness Hermey and Yukon deus ex machina their way into the Snow Monster’s lair. Hermey disables the Snow Monster by removing his teeth, but then Yukon shoves him off a cliff anyway and goes down with him?

Millennial Misremembers Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer: IMAGE: text message bubble: "Santa is powerful white men. Narrator is the mainstream media. Elves and reindeers are the working classes. Sled dog dude is bourgeois." "I agree with all that except idk about the sled guy and the bourgeois. But eh could be." "Yah. He's more like explorer/expansionist dude?" "The well-meaning colonist?"

But, no worries! He’s not dead! He’s saved tamed the Snow Monster, and now he’ll be forced labor too. 

Meanwhile, Santa et al. have realized they’ve been a little hard on the misfits and make room for them in society. Uh-huh.

Oh no! Christmas is canceled due to inclement weather. But … Rudolph’s tiny fairy light of a nose can guide the way! Right.

Millennial Misremembers Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer: IMAGE: text message bubbles: "Rudolph! You can help me profit." "YESSSS" "And with your low self esteem I won't even have to pay you!" "Oh and then we move from tolerance strait to exploitation because Santa says." "YAAAAAH and business continues as usual. I might vomit"

Everyone sings “Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas” — in which we uphold all of the terrible things about society. And the rest, as they say, is history! 

Final thoughts

Millennial Misremembers Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer: IMAGE: text message bubbles: "If it just ended differently." "Yah." "It's set up to be a takedown of society. But NOPE." "with North Pole burning." "Yessss" "omg this is why we need global warming." "!!!!!!" "LOL basically we just need to change the last five minutes of the film." "yuuuuuuup."

All right. So, join me next time for Millennial Misremembers, when I destroy another childhood memory! 

Why I Watch Dr. Seuss’s HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS! Every Year

 

 

 

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