Ahoy there! Welcome to Millennial Misremembers, the column where I take a peek back at the media I consumed in my childhood. Some of it’s good, some of it’s bad and some of it’s just plain ugly. The one throughline is — my memory is going downhill. This time, I’ll be misremembering and then rewatching Even Stevens. How off the mark will I be this time?
Even Stevens first aired on June 17, 2000, on the Disney Channel with the pilot, S01E01 “Swap.com.” Over its three seasons, the show was nominated for seven Emmys, with Shia LaBeouf winning one in 2003.
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What I (mis)remember
We didn’t watch a lot of Disney channel growing up, and I was already in middle school by the time Even Stevens aired. I remember this being a funny family sitcom, and unlike almost everything I’ve covered here of late, my mom did not object to this show!
What stands out to me more than anything is that the Stevens were the first Jewish family I saw on TV. There was a Hannukah episode that was just so cool to me!
Also … Shia LaBeouf … What? This is where his career began, right? Yes, the actor is not without controversy and has been accused of plagiarism, abuse and has been charged with disorderly conduct. I’m interested to see him in his pupal stage, though. Before all that …
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He was also a child back then. I’m not excusing his alleged actions. It’s just that Hollywood, unfortunately, has a way of ruining its children.
Anyway, enough musing…
Let’s rewatch!
Even Stevens begins with a claymation intro:
The show proper begins with some kiddos sleeping in geography class. Louis (LaBeouf) isn’t sleeping but rather searching for Pokémon-type cards. His friend Twiggy (A.J. Trauth) is super stoked. As an aside: I’m a little disturbed that everyone involved here seems to think Afghanistan is a continent.
The person selling a Charizard knock-off is none other than Louis’s classmate, Ernie (Anthony Burch). All he wants in exchange for the card is Louis’s sister, Ren (Christy Carlson Romano). Gross.
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Later, in the hallway, we learn that Louis does not know how to behave around girls he thinks are cute. Who needs girls? He’s gonna get a dragon card.
Twiggy, meanwhile, isn’t impressed with Louis’s plan to exchange a date with Ren for the card. But not for the reasons you might think. Apparently, Ren thinks of her little bro as a “slug.” (“But only because she loves me right down to the ground,” Louis counters.)
It’ll work, Louis insists, girls love sensitive guys, and Eddie is sensitive.
Meanwhile, Ren is busy being upset that Adrienne Dunmore has logged more community service hours than she has. Ren’s friend, Jewel (Megan Miyahira), exposits that this has more to do with the fact that Adrienne beats Ren at basically everything school-related.
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At home, Donnie (Nick Spano), the oldest Stevens sibling, is watching himself in the mirror eating cake while the parents Stevens (Donna Pescow, Tom Virtue) gift Ren an electronic organizer for her birthday.
What has Donnie gifted Ren? Pix of himself. Louis didn’t get her anything. He pretends he ordered it on the internet but that it has yet to arrive.
Then, Louis invites her to have lunch at the mall that weekend. Ren’s gonna pass on that. Louis realizes he’s gotta be a bit sneakier if he wants to get his dragon card.
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Since Ren needs four volunteer hours to beat Adrienne, Louis makes up something called an “Adopt-A-Friend” program. He tells her about this “poor, young boy” named Ernie. I’m not sure if he means low-income or pathetic.
We then flash to an Ernie montage — it’s Louis saying great things about Ernie overlayed video of him doing the opposite. For example, Louis says Earnie is very giving, but the footage shows Ernie literally taking candy from a baby.
Cut to the mall: Ernie shows up late, with mustard stains all over his shirt. Ren talks to him in a very slow and condescending manner. She tells him she’ll be a good friend to him and he can talk to her about anything, but slow, like he won’t understand the words coming out of her mouth.
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Louis warns Ernie he better be nice to Ren — and definitely no picking his nose! As a parting shot, Ernie tells Louis he won’t give him the dragon card until he gets a goodbye kiss from Ren.
Mall montage: Ernie gets more mustard all over himself, then he eats an ice cream cone like he hasn’t eaten in days (maybe he hasn’t). When he switches the cone he’s licked all over with Ren’s; it’s clear that he’s just meant to be gross, though.
Next, they run into a girl named Tawny (Margo Harshman). She’s shocked Ernie and Ren are friends since they never hang out at school. Ren’s about to let the cat out of the bag, but since Louis has been tailing them, he jumps in before she can.
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Then, Ernie excuses himself to use the toilet — for a while. When he returns, he and Ren go to a photo booth. She thanks him for the wonderful afternoon. Those words are enough for Ernie to give Louis the card. Louis clearly feels guilty about it. Across the way, Ren is staring at a pearl necklace.
At school, when Ren turns in her report about her “Adopt-A-Friend” experience, she learns it’s not a real thing. The counselor (Pat Lach) is pretty sure Ren just went on a date. Which is how Ernie is selling their Saturday to the whole school, anyway.
In the hallway, Jewel approaches Ren as though her friend were a wounded dear. That’s because everyone thinks Ren is dating Ernie. He invites her to his place. But, Ren tells him she wouldn’t hang out with him if he were the last boy. Ever. And, she’s gotta go find Louis to give him a piece of her mind.
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Louis tries to hide from Ren, but it doesn’t work. But, he says, she’ll be happy when she sees his birthday gift for her. It’s the necklace she’d been looking at in the mall. She loves it.
Ren kinda doesn’t know what to do with that since she never gets beautiful gifts, only practical items. Then, she hits him again for buying it with the money he got from setting her up with Ernie. (The implication being he sold the card to buy the gift.)
Louis says Ren isn’t blameless here either. She was only willing to spend time with Ernie because she wanted to beat out Adrienne in volunteer hours.
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The next day, Ren apologizes to Ernie for only spending time with him for supposed school credit. He laments that he should have known; the popular types never hang out with “guys like him.” Ren tries to say it’s not true, but she doesn’t have the receipts. Although she says it’s not about the way Eddie looks — it’s about him behaving like a jerk. Is it, though?
She then gives Eddie the necklace that Louis gave her since the card that paid for it originally belonged to Eddie. He can’t believe that Louis would trade a card for a gift for his sister.
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Ahh … but Eddie doesn’t learn. A little while later, Ren and Eddie declare themselves friends. He asks for a friend-hug, but of course, has two little minions in the background take a photo of the embrace.
Does it live up to the nostalgia?
Meh. Even Stevens feels like a show that needs to grow into itself. I don’t think I can make a judgment on its quality as entertainment based on this episode. There were some funny jokes, but the pacing and the plot were a bit boring. That’s probably because most sitcoms have an A and a B plot, whereas everything was more or less connected here.
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I’m sure you can guess that I didn’t enjoy Ren being treated as currency, but they did at least touch on that being wrong. What was worse was all the mockery of Eddie being unkempt. First of all, a little dirt is actually healthy and second of all; there are more important things to consider when dealing with kids’ hygiene at school. In the worst-case scenario, it can be a sign of neglect — but let’s not ignore the fact that some people can’t afford new clothes.
There were two things I absolutely loved. First, the fact that Ren has braces is awesome. Second, there is actual love and not constant bickering between the siblings. Sure, they got into their spats, but truly, sometimes it’s nice to see nuclear families who actually get along.
That’s it for this edition of Millennial Misremembers! Catch y’all soon!
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