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IMHO
My Massive, Definitive, One-Sided Dissection, er, Review of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice review PART TWO
by Chris Morris, lapsed DC Comics Fanboy

READ PART ONE OF CHRIS’ REVIEW, HERE!

Okay, I saw it again…more notes…but first…

Director Kevin Smith saw the film, had major problems with it, said it had no heart, but then saw it a second time and said he found the heart, within the viewer. But really, with all due respect, do we have to be the ones to provide that? Shouldn’t it come with the movie itself? Why do we have to do the heavy lifting? This isn’t some Oscar-bait movie that has a lesson, after all…

I remember after “Man of Steel” came out, someone pointed out to me a 19-minute YouTube video explaining the movie and how great it is and how it proves I was wrong for not liking it. If a movie needs an accompanying 19-minute video to explain it to me, it failed somehow. My point is that the filmmaker, Zack Snyder, has the responsibility to make a movie in an entertaining way, in a way that makes sense and pays homage to the characters, who by the way, have been around for what like 80 years now? Anyway, after my second screening here are my thoughts…

– why does Lex want to kill Superman? It’s never explained. …Maybe during the Battle of Metropolis (remember that?) Luthor’s father is killed and now Lex wants revenge, or if he hated his father, his favourite nanny died…SOMETHING to explain his actions. Why does he want to create Doomsday? Does he really like those other Kryptonians’ style and if he had gotten to know them, like in Superman 2, they would have gotten along and…How does he know about “The Abomination” that Carla Gugino is talking about? How does he know mixing his blood with…BAH! NOTHING MAKES SENSE!!!! You can’t just say “Well, obviously he’s crazy!” THAT’S NOT ENOUGH, especially for an all-time classic character like Lex Luthor!

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– although apparently during the 18 months after The Battle, Lex learned Superman was Clark Kent…so he’s at least smarter than Batfleck…

– yes, superheroes meeting each other and fighting before ultimately calling a truce and then becoming buddies is a long time comic book cliché. And if done right, it can be fun. But for something this big, so hyped, you expect more. I had assumed Lex would use Green K to manipulate Superman to “turning bad” (confusing it with Red K, but they did that in Superman 3 too), capitalizing on the already uneasy feelings have towards Superman, he discredits all Superman’s good work he’s done trying to make up for the Battle of Metropolis, the public hates him so he’s put on trial but he’s bad so he does something bad there, with the world watching and then Luthor tells Superman to attack Batman early on after manipulating Superman into thinking Batman hurt Lois Lane (since apparently he kills people who hurt Lois) and then Batman has to build the armour, figuring out his Apokolyptic dream was coming true (we did see a lot in those early trailers) and against his morals, he knows he has to kill Superman. Nope. Apparently, the whole film Batman’s plan is to fight Superman and, somehow, kill him. And all Luthor has to do is ask Superman (and kidnap his mother MARTHA) to do it.

– Superman shows up for the hearings and says nothing…can hear Batman and Alfred talking at the party at Lex’s house, can hear Lois not-breathing(!) underwater, but can’t hear a bomb ticking in Wally’s wheelchair…and Mercy Graves is killed with about as much importance as Jimmy Olsen was. At least we got to hear her name…And then Superman is blamed…somehow…the TV announcers say that, even if he had nothing to do with the bombing he should still be held accountable…” HOW? WHAT? WHY? And five seconds later people are burning Superman in effigy. So so so stupid…

– why do these real people, like Charlie Rose, Anderson Cooper, Nancy Grace and others appear in this film? I hope they were paid a sh*t-ton of money…

– and once the bomb goes off and there is a huge fire happening, Superman just stands there. Sure everyone in the courtroom is dead, but what about all those people outside? How about anyone who was in the hallway? Shouldn’t he, maybe, try PUTTING OUT THE FIRE? No, by all means, Superman just stood there and soak it in how much you suck at BEING SUPERMAN! Maybe Nancy Grace was right for once in her life…

– who came up with the logos for each meta-human in Lex’s email attachment?

– Who sent those polaroids to Clark at the Planet? I presume Luthor but it’s never said and never mentioned again.

– speaking of polaroids, the polaroids of Martha Kent looked like Lex had written stuff on her forehead in sharpie (“Witch?”), yet later there’s nothing there. It’s hard washing sharpie off skin. Stupid!

– constant reminders that wherever they are fighting is “uninhabited”, plus Supes flying Doomsday into the atmosphere, I guess could be seen as them learning from “MoS”, I guess…

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– basic stuff: The new Batmobile gets no moment to shine. In EVERY Batman movie so far, the Batmobile gets a moment to shine, a bunch of cool shots showing off it’s design…but not in a Zack Snyder film! We got sh*t to do!

– Hans Zimmer’s score…I can’t remember one song or piece of music other than WW’s theme. Ever since “Inception”, every one of his scores has sounded exactly the same. It’s all just a bunch of noise blended together that sounds a lot like “BLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

– Bruce Wayne’s straight out of the 80’s workout montage…cause hitting tires with a sledgehammer is exactly like him punching Superman…right

– and that Bat-signal…who designed that? It’s terrible. Flash that signal up against some clouds and people will be like, “What is that, a mustache? A weird looking V? Don’t worry, Vatman is on the case, everyone!”

– haven’t we got past the point where Superman saves Lois EVERYTIME? I know this is how it used to be, but how many times does he save her in this film? And why doesn’t she have a signal-watch if she’s going to get into that much trouble all the time, at least that world makes sense…can’t she save herself once in a while? Or save him maybe?

– they show glimpses of the future Justice Leaguers Aquaman, Flash and Cyborg. Cyborg’s scene apparently includes a Motherbox. This should be exciting but it just slows down the movie…

– and as long as we are having cameos, why not Will Smith’s Deadhot? Jared Leto’s Joker? Let’s cram some more stuff in this 5-pound bag!

– how does Batman move the Bat-signal from Police HQ to that particular warehouse…but what is his plan? What if Superman doesn’t show up? He just stands there, rusting in the rain? Maybe if Superman had half-a-brain that would be his strategy, just wait and then Batman turns into the Tin-Man without his grease…

Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice

– why didn’t Batman bring along Lois Lane, as she is a Superman-magnet apparently…oh right she was busy getting KIDNAPPED AGAIN as the true damsel she is…

– OKAY LET’S GET TO THE FINAL FIGHT(s) aka the final 45 minutes…

– the Batman vs. Superman fight, while having no real reason to exist and is written all wrong, is actually not that bad. Other than Superman constantly gets his a** kicked. Over and over again. To begin, Superman tries to talk to Batman and tell him they have to work together to stop Luthor and save his mother. That lasts for about five seconds. Why didn’t Superman just hover over Batman and tell him what was going on? Instead he goes face-to-face but then it’s never brought up again until the whole “Martha” crap is brought up. And Superman, who came there to bury the hatchet, should be holding back. But he doesn’t and he gets his butt kicked, straight up. And he only survives because HIS MOM’S NAME IS MARTHA. And that’s only because he says it in a weird awkward way that no one would actually talk like. Good thing Lois was there to explain.

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– and good thing they ended up in that same building as the Green K spear was in…handy

– and after all the ‘splaining that goes on, both in “MoS” and here, about how Jor-El decided on where to send Kal-El, how the Earth’s atmosphere affects Kryptonians, what the “S” stands for…no one bothers to explain what Kryptonite is and why it hurts, rather than helps, Superman. They show Bruce Wayne’s parents being killed YET AGAIN but never explain how Green K works…

– and speaking of “MoS”, who was in that opened pod in the Fortress of Solitude?

– and after the first time Superman is exposed to Green K, presumably the first time ever he’s experienced this feeling, why isn’t his next move to see if Batman has anymore, rather than just recovering, then going back to more punching…dumb

– and then, within moments, Batman and Superman are cool with each other. Friends, even, as Batman tells Martha Kent later. Seconds after trying to kill each other. They might as well have high-fived, like that scene in Step-Brothers when Will Farrell and John C. Reilly instantly become best friends.

– then they split up and Lois gets rid of the spear. But later has to go get the spear and nearly drowns. I guess Lois needed something to do. But seriously SO DUMB!

– so then Batman goes after the KGBeast and his goons who have captured Martha and he murders dudes. Sure, he uses his Batwing tommy guns to shoot the sh*t out of trucks that have people on them, so, as they’ve said in interviews, it’s more like manslaughter than murder. Still, BATMAN DOESN’T MANSLAUGHTER!

– Doomsday isn’t wearing underwear (if Superman isn’t then f*ck Doomsday) but he also has no genitals. I guess that’s really why he’s called “The Abomination”. And Snyder shows this, just so there’s no confusion. The guy who gave us Dr. Manhattan’s blue penis seems to be fascinated with genitals, whether a character has them or not. Doomsday’s crotch gets a “hero shot” but The Batmobile doesn’t…

– why does Doomsday have electrical powers? Him being indestructible, able to absorb energy and using it to make him stronger, super-strength…that’s not enough?

– Superman is presumably killed by the nuclear blast (or just turns into Benjamin Button or something) but he’s CURED OF DEATH BY THE SUN! Funny how this doesn’t come up later on…

– when Wonder Woman finally appears when she does, with that WW theme, that is the most badass moment in the film (one of the few badass moments). People cheered and clapped at that moment. And when she got knocked down by Doomsday, smiled and attacked him again…awesome stuff. But still, the movie was over stuffed. And how come Batman can take down Superman one-on-one but stands no chance against Doomsday? Oh, right…Superman doesn’t have electric powers!

– but then Snyder’s one attempt at telling a joke “I thought she was with you…” tells us why his movies have no jokes in them…

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– no one in this film knows how spears work…you THROW THEM, people!

– I bet Wonder Woman knows how to throw a spear dammit! She is awesome at her job! And her job is kicking ass!

– okay, let’s get to the major topic of discussion, or at least it should be…the Death of Superman! I 100% agree with this decision (other than, if the rumours are true, takes a George Miller-directed “MoS 2” off the table). Superman isn’t considered cool and, as I mentioned before, spends the whole movie aged by half the world, looking dumb and getting his ass kicked. But by ending the movie with him making the ultimate sacrifice and everyone focusing on him, rather than Batman for once, it elevates Superman. People were crying in the screening I attended, and in the second viewing I have to admit it got a little dusty…Superman is up there as one of my all-time favourite characters, more than Batman, and for me to see him treated poorly makes me mad…so if killing him means people are cheering to see him on screen again, that’s awesome.

– although now doesn’t “Justice League Part One” just become “Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock”?

– and they saved the best for last…or should I say the dumbest scene for last…Batman visits Lex in prison and channels Sting, saying “Wherever you go…whatever you do…I’ll be watching you…” which makes no sense cause LUTHOR IS IN PRISON!!!!! WHERE IS HE GOING TO GO? What is Batman going to do, watch the prison security feed of Luthor 24/7? That will probably be boring…normally Batman is scary and hell and intimidating, scaring the crap out of villains, but if I were Luthor I would be confused and be like “Dude, I’m in prison”…again, Batman is so, so bad at his job…

– oh and Luthor’s snot-bubbles…didn’t need to see those Snyder…but thanks all the same…

My final thoughts are that this is cleansing and I can move on now. I am waiting with anticipation for “Suicide Squad” and “Wonder Woman” and of course I’ll be there opening night for “Justice League”…I can only hope now that I live long enough to see the inevitable reboots with Snyder and Goyer far far away from this material. But in the meantime, they have my money so they win, I guess..

*although that was quite the drop off at the box office for week two, wasn’t it?

READ PART ONE OF CHRIS’ REVIEW, HERE!

Follow Chris Morris on twitter, here!

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Chris Morris is a filmmaker, world-traveller and comic book writer. He’s currently working on “The Supers: the 3rd Best Super-Team in the World”