joseph scrimshaw comedy

~Joseph Scrimshaw

For more than a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweetsHey Girl tweetsUrban Myth tweetspastry tweets,boring tweetssocial media tweetsincorrect facts, and now slogans. Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy September’s series of Conspiracy tweets!

Day One – Beer! It’s autocorrect for your mouth!

Day Two – Kale. You can’t fucking escape it.

Day Three – Brunch! It makes your day-drinking socially acceptable!

Day Four – Nostalgia! If things seemed simpler when you were a kid, it’s because you were a kid.

Day Five – Cilantro. It’s what’s stuck between your teeth.

Day Six – Books. Because you have to look at something while Netflix is buffering.

Day Seven – Time Warner Cable. It works sometimes.

Day Eight – Futons! The furniture of visiting in-laws and sad breakups. What went wrong for YOU to be on a futon?

Day Nine – Existential Dread. You could try to get rid of it, but what’s the point?

Day Ten – Mimosas. The drink that says, “Hey, Sunday. Fuck you.”

Day Eleven – Facebook. It’s a great place to complain to your friends about Facebook.

Day Twelve – Cartoon Bears. Without them we would have no knowledge of forest fires or toilet paper.

Day Thirteen – Student loans. The herpes of higher education. Once you get them, you’ll always have them.

Day Fourteen – Autocorrect. Making your communists pervert every shingle tampon since 2007.

Day Fifteen – Low-Fat Twinkies. When you want to eat a lie.

Day Sixteen – Unicorns. Making horses feel shitty and inadequate since 1872.

Day Seventeen – Interrobangs. The sexiest punctuation mark in the world?!

Day Eighteen – Water. I bet you can’t waste just some.

Day Nineteen – Cats. Not giving a shit since 8000 BC.

Day Twenty – An Extra Space After A Period. A great way for humans to fight over literally nothing.

Day Twenty-One – Pedants. Their very easy too annoy.

Day Twenty-Two – Hotel Coffee. Our unique blend of dirt and hate makes all of our guests feel like they’ve been impregnated by a demon!

Day Twenty-Three – Emails. They’re like texts you don’t have to answer.

Day Twenty-Four – Mullets. Business in the front, cry for help in the back.

Day Twenty-Five – Paranoia. It’s always right behind you.

Day Twenty-Six – Hyperbole. It is literally everywhere and it’s made of giant shark-bats.

Day Twenty-Seven – Comedy Podcasts. Without them, we would have no knowledge of stamps.com.

Day Twenty-Eight – Your Own Private Thoughts. They’re like a twitter feed you can’t unfollow.

Day Twenty-Nine – Time. It’s a predator stalking us all.

Day Thirty – ProcrastiHaters. They’re gonna hate eventually.

Day Thirty-One – Guilt. If you don’t have some, you should be ashamed.

Yours in Marketing,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

www.josephscrimshaw.com

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