joseph scrimshaw comedy

~Joseph Scrimshaw

For more than a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets,boring tweets, social media tweets, incorrect facts, slogans, and now Conspiracy tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy October’s series of SPOOKY tweets!

Day One – The Lizard People are a rumor created to distract us from the true agenda of The Llama Monsters.

Day Two – Tupac’s Hologram is still alive.

Day Three – Crop Circles are emojis made by aliens who have no eyes or mouths.

Day Four – The moon landing was not faked, but every single tweet about the super moon is a government scheme to destroy twitter.

Day Five – Every October, the government adjusts their #chemtrails formula to include an aroma of #PumpkinSpice.

Day Six – Walt Disney’s frozen head is secretly directing Star Wars Episode VII.

Day Seven – Michael Bay’s entire career is an elaborate ruse to prove a lot of 80s cartoons were kind of shit in the first place.

Day Eight – Bigfoot only exists in profile which is why all the photos of him look like he’s modeling something on a runway.

Day Nine – The only rational explanation for the continued existence of Orange Julius is the Illuminati likes fruit smoothies.

Day Ten – Why do humans only have two middle fingers, but I often need to flip off six things at once? Who is responsible?

Day Eleven – Lawmakers are pushing a new bill that says you’re not legally married unless Bill Murray shows up at your wedding.

Day Twelve – You never see Chris Pratt and Chris Evans in the same place. They’re two different people. BUT WHAT IF THEY SHARE ABS?

Day Thirteen – The government is secretly run by compassionate reasonable people, you blind fools.

Day Fourteen – The earth has been invaded by a sentient life form called KALE. It wants us to eat it and we’re all falling for it.

Day Fifteen – The hosts of The View can see you through your television set.

Day Sixteen – If you are anywhere near tinfoil, the aliens can’t read your thoughts. The aliens fucking hate Chipotle.

Day Seventeen – If you listen to the free U2 album backwards, you will still be pissed off about it.

Day Eighteen – Ghostbusters 3 was already made in 1997 and it was so bad we all just forgot it existed.

Day Nineteen – Why is it that #TalkLikeAPirateDay and #BeAnnoyedByTalkLikeAPirateDay always fall on the exact same day?

Day Twenty – Close examination of the rocks will reveal drawings of the little Ikea man assembling Stonehenge with a tiny wrench.

Day Twenty-One – There are ghosts in airports that force people to suddenly stop walking in the middle of the goddamn terminal.

Day Twenty-Two – If viewed from space, it’s clear that all major cities were laid out by Freemasons. Super drunk Freemasons.

Day Twenty-Three – The US government plans to start collecting taxes via Kickstarter so you can’t complain when your rewards are late.

Day Twenty-Four – There is no rover on Mars. Every single picture is just Nevada with an Instagram filter.

Day Twenty-Five – The iTunes user agreement you all signed says Bono has the right to come to your home and try on your sunglasses.

Day Twenty-Six – If you look at an Apple Watch wearing Google Glass, you will immediately shit a Samsung Galaxy.

Day Twenty-Seven – The band Pink Floyd does not exist. It is a massive group hallucination.

Day Twenty-Eight – Mad Men is actually a very long Ken Burns documentary.

Day Twenty-Nine – Hallmark invented holidays, trees, the concept of guilt, bad copywriting, and Wal-Mart just to sell greeting cards.

Day Thirty – There’s been an i in team this whole time.

Yours in Secrecy,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

www.josephscrimshaw.com

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