DISCLAIMER: This Happy! recap contains more spoilers than the number of times Sax has offed people. Well, he is a hitman, after all. You’ve been warned. Enter at your own risk. 

Welcome, hitmen and hitwomen! Hitpersons? Happy! finally graced our TV screens this week with a festive bang (not a euphemism). The highly anticipated SyFy original premiered a holiday themed episode with a twist. If you’re expecting cute children singing Christmas carols, then this isn’t the show for you. Happy! delivered on all its promises – we had violence, gore, action and dirty jokes galore. Of course, in keeping with the holidays, all of the aforementioned was set to the tune of popular Christmas songs. 

Alright, ready to delve into “Saint Nick?” If a peppy little blue horse materializes before you, I’d suggest seeing a doctor. 

We open with our hero Sax (Christopher Meloni) vomiting blood into a urinal. Ah, the holidays. So much cheer. Anyway, our hitman is looking pretty worse for the wear. He stands before a mirror and whips out a pair of guns. Sax brandishes them under his chin and pulls both triggers, blowing the top of his head off. Blood cascades in waves and suddenly the room turns into a disco dance floor. We see scantily clad women (and one man) roll out on skates and dance with Sax. This is clearly an hallucination. With an opening like that, Happy! already has me hook, line and sinker. 

Pictured: Christopher Meloni

Next, we see the hallucination dissipate. Sax emerges from the bathroom into a dank dive bar. Apparently, he’s a regular. After trading drunken quips with the bartender, Sax exits out onto the mean streets of New York City. A bike messenger hands him an envelope containing a handful of photos. These are Sax’s next hits. 

Meanwhile, we see a mother and daughter in a taxi. Hailey (Bryce Lorenzo) and mother Amanda Hansen (Medina Senghore) are heading to a Sonny Shine concert in the park. Sonny Shine is, presumably, a children’s TV show character. Hailey is talking to Happy, who’s her imaginary friend. Once they’re at the concert, however, poor Hailey is unable to see Sonny (Christopher Fitzgerald). She leaves her mother’s side and wanders outside the concert parameters. Hailey stumbles upon a seemingly homeless man dressed as an unconventional Santa Claus, known as Very Bad Santa (Joseph D. Reitman). He sneers at the young girl. Uh oh. Someone’s in trouble. Amanda screams for Hailey, but is unable to locate her. 

Then, a trio of brothers, the Scaramuccis, are sitting in a diner with a newspaper spread before them. Said newspaper contains the image of none other than Nick Sax. Sax used to be a detective prior to his hitman days, and apparently a good one at that. Our brothers three are hellbent on exacting revenge against Sax. Then, a fourth Scaramucci arrives on the scene, Mikey (Gus Halper). Mikey is clean cut, a dark horse compared to his brothers. He’s just returned from their dying father’s side (The Don). His brothers fill him in on their latest revenge plot. Mikey seems reticent to join them, but follows along all the same. 

Meanwhile, we see a man dressed as a lobster getting a blowjob from Amanda (Zabryna Guevara). This is not the Amanda Hansen from earlier. Well, I’ve officially seen it all. I can check this off my bucket list. Anyway, their time is cut short when Sax arrives at shoots lobster man. He’s Amanda’s next client. Amanda recognizes Sax from his detective days, and mentions how he urged her to “clean up her act.” She wonders aloud what happened to him. Sax changes the subject by asking how she’ll repay him. Methinks not in depraved sexual favors. 

Next, the Scaramuccis are on the hunt for Sax. They seem to be heading to the same building he currently occupies. I can’t help but think of The Mooch – Anthony Scaramucci, when thinking of these brothers. There must be something to that surname that lends itself to pompous, “frat boy” behavior. 

Later, we see Hailey is being held captive in a crate courtesy of Very Bad Santa in an abandoned factory. Now, the scene is from the point of view of Happy (Patton Oswalt) as he makes his escape and vows to aid Hailey in hers. He just needs to find “him” first. Well, I think I know who “him” is…

Then, the Scaramuccis find lobster man bound to a chair. Fortunately, his back is turned so they mistake him for Sax. They open fire on the already dead man. Not Mother Amanda witnesses it all in blood soaked horror. Our brothers four are in for a surprise when the real Sax emerges. He easily kills three of them in one fell swoop. However, Mikey is left standing. Sax mentions that his contract only extended to the three Scaramuccis. Mikey, in an attempt to bargain for his life, reveals he has information Sax’ll want to hear. Sax brushes him off and shoots Mikey. He crashes through the window and lands hard on the street below. 

Next, seeing Mikey is still breathing, Sax heads outside to finish the job. Mikey vows to give Sax the password to an encrypted file courtesy of his boss, Blue. So mafia! Mikey whispers in Sax’s ear, then perishes. Sax immediately falls beside him and passes out. Our favorite hitman is not in good shape. 

Later, Merry (Lili Mirojnick), an NYPD detective, finds Sax unconscious but alive. Merry and Sax have a history, that much is certain. They call an ambulance, which carts Sax away. Merry insists on keeping Sax alive so she can grill him for information, especially since there are four dead Scaramuccis at the scene. Not Mother Amanda informs Merry about the password fiasco. 

RELATED: SyFy’s HAPPY! Has an Action Packed New Teaser

Meanwhile, in the ambulance, two EMTs are working to keep Sax breathing. One of them approaches him with a shot of adrenaline. However, Sax wakes and instead administers said shot on the EMT. He demands they give him pills, to which they acquiesce. 

Heeere’s Happy!

Now, Happy the peppy blue horse swirls into view. Sax laughs him off, thinking Happy is a figment of his imagination. Well, if the shoe fits…

Later, Merry phones Blue himself (Ritchie Coster), the man behind the Scaramuccis. She mentions how strange it is that The Don passed away and his sons followed shortly after. Merry also divulges the password fiasco. Blue lays on a thinly veiled threat toward Merry’s mother, and it’s game on. Blue calls Smoothie (Patrick Fischler) and wishes him a Merry Christmas. Smoothie is in the midst of slicing a woman in two. Methinks Blue will enlist in Smoothie’s slicing skills to ax his Sax problem.

Meanwhile, Mother Amanda Hansen is at the police station filing a missing person’s report for daughter Hailey. The policeman speaking with her seems out of his element and fumbles with even the simplest of details. Amanda is discouraged, and told to head home and seek a grievance counselor. 

Next, Merry visits a now awake Sax in the hospital. Sax suffered two consecutive heart attacks. My man is a bonafide bad***. Anyway, we learn that Sax used to be a hero to Merry when he was the best detective in their respective department. Merry reveals that Mikey gave Sax a password that was meant for Blue, and now his goons will be after our hitman to beat it out of him. Merry also believes Blue hired Sax to kill his nephews (the Scaramuccis). Now, Sax has inadvertently landed himself smack dab in the middle of an underground war. Merry offers to help him in exchange for said password. Sax orders Merry to leave. Meanwhile, Happy has reemerged amid this exchange. 

Then, Happy reveals he’s Hailey’s imaginary friend and is enlisting in Sax’s help to retrieve her from Very Bad Santa. Of course, Sax still believes Happy is a conjuring of his own imagination and brushes the blue horse off. Sax decides to focus what little energy he has in escaping the hospital. We see Smoothie and his lackeys approaching Sax’s room. Happy even notifies our curmudgeon of a hitman of this. In his happy peppy way, of course. 

Pictured: Christopher Meloni and Patrick Fischler

Unfortunately, just when Sax takes his stance armed with a fire extinguisher, he faints. Smoothie straps him down on a gurney and props him up. Sax wakes up in said position. Smoothie plans to slowly torture the password out of Sax. He starts by stabbing Sax in the gut for the latter’s mouthing off. Sax reveals that Smoothie can do his worst, as our man just can’t seem to die. Smoothie vows to start by slowly slicing off pieces of Sax’s genitalia. Happy happily poops. This is relevant information. Next, Happy urges Sax to find a way out of this predicament. 

Then, Sax wrestles himself out of his restraints and promptly dispatches of everyone in the room, save Smoothie. Smoothie watches in blood soaked awe. He’s clearly turned on by the sight of carnage. Ew. Anyway, Sax promises he’ll save Smoothie’s death for another day. 

Next, Sax and Happy try to find a means of escape. Unfortunately, a pair of cops loyal to Blue (this is a mob run hospital, after all) finds Sax surrounded by dead goons and immediately chases after him. Sax stumbles upon an elevator shaft missing an important element: an elevator. In a desperate bid to escape, Sax takes his chances. He plunges down the dark shaft with Happy in tow. What’s life if you don’t take chances?

Life’s all about taking that plunge in a hospital gown with an invisible blue horse.

Then, Sax literally stumbles upon Merry outside. He asks to borrow her car. She reluctantly obliges. Happy is still trying to convince Sax to save poor Hailey. However, Sax’s plans involving getting out of the city, and out of Blue’s clutches. He’s a dead man walking at this point. Suddenly, Happy drops a truth bomb on the unsuspecting Sax: Hailey is his daughter. Uh oh. Someone is definitely going to change their mind. 

Lastly, we’re back in the abandoned factory. Very Bad Santa is out of commission for the time being. Hailey calls out for Happy inside her crate, but he is nowhere to be found. Not to worry, he’ll be back!

Still a better love story than Twilight.

Happy! was a pleasant surprise. I thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of it – from the gore to the jolly Christmas music to the quip-filled one liners. Meloni is absolute perfection in this role, and this could stand to be his best yet. Oswalt as Happy adds that extra pinch of magic to the equation. These two will make an excellent odd couple. In addition, the episode ended with just enough to keep me watching. I can’t wait to see how this season unfolds. SyFy has another hit on their hands (pun very much intended). 

Do you think Hailey really is Sax’s daughter, or was that a ploy by Happy to get the hitman to comply? Will Blue go after Merry’s mother? When will we see Smoothie again? Just how many Scaramuccis are there? Join me next week as I continue to recap Happy!, here on Geek Girl Authority. 

Happy! airs Wednesdays at 10pm on your SyFy affiliate.