My last conversation with Murdoc was left on quite the wild cliffhanger. During a daring attempt at escape through the prisons sewers, a freak malfunction resulted in him drowning in the sewer’s filth. Which I found odd because of an old Q&A where Jamie Hewlett explains that Murdoc is immortal and has probably been around since the beginning of time. Maybe he really didn’t drown. Perhaps the only reason I wasn’t being bombarded with messages from him, bragging about how clever he was, really was due to his phone getting damaged. Or so I thought.
The next correspondence I received was from Noodle, who was alive and well in Patagonia with an Andean cat called Fuku. She mentioned hearing about Murdoc’s escape and also questioned whether or not he was immortal; at least that’s what he always told her. “maybe that was Murdoc just talking bull…but if you ask me he’s ALIVE. no way on earth we would escape him that easily. I know it sounds like I’m being mean but you’ll find out why I have a C R A Z Y story to tell you!” And crazy it was. Noodle talked of how she spent a week trekking across Patagonia before finally finding El Mierda’s hideout. Naturally she was expecting a menacing environment complete with henchmen, boobytraps and three headed animals. You know, normal secret hideout stuff. Instead what she found was…
“A health spa! NOT an evil hideout, a HEALTH SPA for wellness! The spa was built into the mountain, there was an angel fountain outside, even someone performing gong sound healing.” At first Noodle was convinced this was merely a cover up so she wasted no time pulling out her sword. Once inside the ‘spa’ she was instantly greeted by “some guy in a robe offering me matcha tea.” It turns out it wasn’t a ruse at all. Turns out El Mierda used to be a seriously evil crime lord but he retired from that life years ago. After shutting down his evil empire, he converted his hideout into the El Montana Wellness Centre. Confused, Noodle demanded to see El Miedra, shocked to find an old man. “a VERY small old man, roughly one million years old. I confront him about El Mierda and ask where he is and he says ‘I AM El Miedra. wwwHHHaaaTTT!! Murdoc said E.M was the creepy guy in the strobelite vid…didn’t he? This guy!”
I, too, was under the impression that the individual pictured above was El Miedra from the beginning. In reality he is just a leather goods salesman named Juan. On top of that, the real El Miedra doesn’t even know Murdoc or the Gorillaz! I always knew Murdoc was conniving yet this information even had me shocked. Seeing as nothing was adding up Noodle took it upon herself to do a little investigating. One phone call to the Wormwood Scrubs Prison revealed even more shocking information. “Murdoc was N O T jailed for smuggling!!”
“BASICALLY Murdoc made this whole smuggling story up! Guess he heard the name El Miedra in jail and added him to his messed up fantasy. WHY would he do all of this?! messed up. It’s gotta be more than Murdoc just being a *insert eggplant emoji here*” After a closer look at the document I was able to see that the same day Murdoc ‘broke out’ was the date he was actually supposed to be released. “he could have just walked out but NO not Murdoc Niccals, he had to stage a stinking prison break!” The amount of lies he was able to produce was beginning to get overwhelming though I was still curious. What was the point of all this? Noodle was quick to offer up a theory: he was jealous, specifically of the band’s singer 2D.
“Think about it, the more love 2D was getting, the more Murdoc’s story grew. He [2D] seems D I F F E R E N T. And it’s not just his new roller skates. Anyway as time passed, the lie got bigger and BIGGER. So BIG he sent me, NOODLE, all the way to Patagonia for nothing!! Although it wasn’t a total waste of time. I met Fuku. PLUS we did find out something..” She went on to explain that she spoke to El Miedra for a long time. He admitted that he once was a truly evil but something happened that changed him for the better. Now he uses his powers for spiritual healing. And hot stone massages. “ummm, what on earth is that..?”
Confused, I asked if everything was okay. “no…something’s coming through the snow. Looks like some kinda..yak? And there is something very weird tied across it’s back. Wait…not something, it’s someONE. no WAY it can’t be it’s…nooo WAAAAYYY! GOTTA GO!” I was then sent the following image.
It was Murdoc, apparently tied down to an evil looking yak, in Patagonia. I have absolutely no idea what is going on. Noodle left as soon as she sent me the picture, guess all I can do now is wait a couple weeks to see the conclusion of this story. Are you as confused as I am but still wanna help Murdoc? Go on the Gorillaz official Facebook, Skype and KIK pages Friday, September 28th for one last chat. Or you can visit their site as well. And follow the hashtag #FREEMURDOC to get updates or assistance hacking into that pesky mainframe.
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