Daddy issues, flashbacks and a mysterious buried hatch? Did we get LOST on the way here? Futurama Season 12 Episode 7, “Planet Espresso,” was written by Bill Odenkirk and directed by Crystal Chesney-Thompson. Opening gag: “Also available as a suppository!”
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It’s 7:00 am on Earth, 5 million years ago. “Also sprach Zarathustra” plays as the sun rises on a cave of early hominids. They awaken groggy but see what appears to be a monolith. However, the camera shifts, and this is revealed to be a mug. The hominids climb the giant mug and taste the coffee inside. Soon, they’re all guzzling the liquid. One dunks a donut before tossing it in the air, transitioning into the theme song.
Futurama, “Planet Espresso”
In the present (i.e., the future), the Planet Express crew gathers around the office conference table. Philip Fry (Billy West), Turanga Leela (Katey Sagal), John Zoidberg (West), Amy Wong (Lauren Tom), Hubert Farnsworth (West), Hermes Conrad (Phil LaMarr) and Bender Rodriguez (John DiMaggio) each have PlanEx branded mugs in front of them.
A singing hologram performed by Dwayne (David Herman) and several simulated duplicates arrive at the door. Hermes’ father is on his deathbed in Jamaica. On the way to Jamaica aboard the PlanEx Ship, Hermes tells LaBarbara (Dawnn Lewis) and Dwight (LaMarr) that he didn’t even realize his father was alive.
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He recounts that when he was four, his father’s Barometer store was destroyed due to low pressure. That night, Badrick Conrad tells his wife they need money, and there’s money to be had for doing “weird stuff” in the jungle. Badrick says he’ll be home soon, leaving the traumatized Hermes behind.
But in the present, Hermes says Badrick never returned. Rumor had it that he had begun to grow some exotic crops in the woods. The PlanEx ship arrives in Jamaica, and they ask a local clothes seller (Zuri Washington) where to find Badrick. She offers to take them to the plantation, as she’s going to pick up a few kilos herself that day.
The group arrives at Badrick’s Coffee Estate. But inside, the crops have been burned to the ground. Inside the house, Hermes finds Badrick on his deathbed. Hermes attempts to tell his father what he thinks of him. But before he can finish, Badrick dies.
Down the Hatch
At the funeral, Hermes briefly eulogizes Badrick (because he won’t speak ill of the dead). LaBarbara says Badrick’s last wishes were to be buried in a coffee sack. Hermes and Farnsworth carry the body to be buried between the outhouse and pig sty. Farnsworth uses his pocket gravedigger to begin digging. But he hits something metal and glowing.
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In the hole is a mysterious buried hatch. Fortunately, we don’t have to wait between seasons for the pair of men to enter it. Climbing down the ladder into the hatch, the duo discovers it’s a buried extraterrestrial spacecraft. Farnsworth uses a taste test to determine the ship is fueled by coffee. In another room, they locate a variety of labeled but empty cylinders. Farnsworth translates the labels: “Ethiopia,” “Indonesia” and “Brazil.” Hermes identifies these are the world’s most important coffee producers.
One cylinder still has five million-year-old beans. This is labeled “Jamaica.” On the bridge of the ship, they locate several alien corpses wearing space suits. Their suits are filled with coffee and bones. Finding two mugs on the dashboard, Farnsworth and Hermes sample the beverage.
Soon, Hermes and Farnsworth are hallucinating. As they watch, they see a vision of what happened 5 million years earlier. The ship is heading to Earth. Hermes wonders if they were there to steal coffee. But one of the late aliens tells him they brought coffee to Earth as a gift.
The Coffee Progenitors
The alien explains that they originated on Planet Thérmos, a planet filled with coffee. Thanks to the coffee, the aliens were able to evolve quickly, even skipping past dinosaurs. Thus, the aliens began to seed the galaxy with coffee. It is revealed they were the ones to place the mug where the hominids found it in the cold opening. Coffee triggered advances wherever it appeared on Earth, including the pyramids and industrial revolution.
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Next, they traveled to Jamaica, where they planned to plant the most powerful beans of all. The alien explains that these beans would be the catalyst for the final phase of human development. However, tragedy occurred when hot coffee spilled on the pilot’s crotch. The ship crashed, depriving mankind of their full potential.
Farnsworth says they must tell the world what they’ve discovered. But Hermes says people would think they’re crazy if they revealed the truth. The pair finishes burying Badrick. Hermes pours the remaining coffee on the grave. Farnsworth laments the heights humanity could have reached if the aliens had planted the beans. Hermes suggests they plant the beans themselves.
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Soon, LaBarbara, Dwight and the PlanEx crew are preparing to board the PlanEx ship. But Hermes says he’s remaining behind to continue his father’s coffee growing. Dwight and LaBarbara are devastated. But Farnsworth says the idea is a good one and declares them a coffee company. By the time the ship takes off and leaves Hermes behind, a new “Planet Espresso” logo adorns its tailfin. But unbeknownst to Hermes, a plant begins to sprout from his father’s grave.
Damn Fine Coffee
Back in New New York City, the lobby of the Planet Espresso building has been converted into a busy coffee shop. Fry works as the barista, while Bender serves as the coffee roaster. Kyle MacLachlan’s Head (Kyle MacLachlan) asks for service. Fry pours coffee into his jar. “That’s a damn fine bath of coffee,” declares MacLachlan’s Head.
At the plantation, Zoidberg helps Hermes harvest beans. Hermes says since they’ve started drinking the miracle coffee, he hasn’t had to sleep. At PlanEs, the line out the door goes all the way down the block. Fry is fueled by coffee as he works around the clock. But when he gets sick of the customers, he says he’s joining the other employees in their strike. Farnsworth corrects him: they aren’t on strike; they’re management (Bender is equipment). Amy declares they have an employee problem and says they should go on a manager strike.
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Soon, “management” is holding up signs outside the PlanEs building and chanting, “Hey hey, hoo hoo! Who will tell you what to do?” Fry gives in. He agrees to worse working conditions, provided he also gets much lower pay.
At the plantation, Hermes video chats with LaBarbara. She tells him Dwight can’t understand why Hermes is gone. Hermes says he can’t tell LaBarbara the details but that “it’s about the future of mankind.” He hangs up to attend a shareholders meeting.
Around the kitchen table, Hermes tells the PlanEs crew that business is booming. The one cafe can no longer keep up with the demand. But Leela points out they can’t afford a second cafe. That’s when Mom (Tress MacNeille) and her three sons Walt (Maurice LaMarche), Larry (Herman) and Igner (DiMaggio) enter.
A Silent But Deadly Partner
Mom tells them PlanEs doesn’t need a second location; it needs 10 thousand. Hermes asks her to explain her plan (without hitting him). Mom proposes spreading franchises across the globe “like steaming hot acne.” Farnsworth says this will allow civilization to reach the next level. And they can return to their families. Hermes admits he misses them.
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Mom says they’ll get the world addicted. Then, they’ll jack up the profit margin by mixing in cheap beans. Mom says, “Who’s gonna taste the difference? You burn the beans enough; it’s like drinking caffeinated cigar ashes.” The crew is outraged at the suggestion.
Soon, both Mom’s ship and the PlanEs ship leave the plantation. Hermes realizes one of the plants looks just like his father. But Zoidberg isn’t doing topiary. When Hermes plucks a bean from the plant, it speaks to him in his father’s voice.
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Plant Badrick explains that the coffee resurrected him. But Badrick says he doesn’t want Hermes to end up like him. Badrick reveals he set fire to the crops himself. He further reveals that he also drank the space coffee and had the vision.
But Badrick says he was a ding-dong. Too late, he realized his obsession with the farm made him a bad father. “I was working for the good of all humanity except my own family.” He says he missed the sole growing season for a father and son. Hermes says he’s been holding on to his own hatred. But as he’s about to reconcile with Badrick, Zoidberg cuts down the bush. “I’m good at this,” Zoidberg declares.
Beyond the Farthest Starbucks
At the Conrad residence in NNYC, Dwight asks why Hermes won’t return home. He wonders if it’s his fault. But then Hermes enters and says the reason he was gone was he was a ding-dong. The Conrads embrace each other, and Hermes is forgiven.
Elsewhere in NNYC, Sal (DiMaggio) removes the PlanEs sign from the building. Inside, the cafe is converted back into a lobby. Hermes has sold the plantation to Mom. But Mom, in turn, resold it for even more money. LaBarbara tells Hermes his father would be proud. Hermes invites Dwight to sit in his lap.
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In Jamaica, the plantation is now being tended by the most zealous customers of the PlanEs cafe. Another ship from Planet Thérmos lands nearby. An alien (LaMarche) appears from the hatch on the ship and discerns that humanity has undergone “the great transition.” He instructs the ship to deploy the habitat. It opens, revealing a biodome that simulates Planet Thérmos. The alien says humanity will soon be elevated to its final subjugation. As they laugh, the alien’s two mermaid fins rise up behind him, making a strikingly familiar silhouette.
This transitions to a very familiar logo, revealed to adorn an NNYC coffee shop with a line out the door. The camera pans to reveal the logo adorns multiple buildings across the skyline. Ominous music swells.
Futurama Season 12 streams on Mondays on Hulu.
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