elevator-joan

There was a man! There was a little man in her hair!

Welcome to Drunk Men: The Mad Men Rewatch – if you’re new here, we’re up to episode 10 of season one, and I watch it while drinking a cocktail and getting a bit sloshed (see drunk). This episode is called “Long Weekend” – something I always wish there was more of.

Today’s cocktail is called a HOT AUSSIE. To make this, you’ll need:

  • The Australian Summer
  • An Aussie
  • A Pear Cider (Perry)

Take one 36°C (98°F) day. Dunk the Aussie in the coldest shower you possibly can. Do not dry. Place them in front of a pedestal fan. In the biggest glass you can find, pour the Perry over ice, and try to cool the f*ck down.

Garnish with a wet towel.

Let’s get into the episode!

***

aunty-whatever

Hi! I’m nobody!

Grandpa and Aunt Gloria arrive at the start of the episode and I’m pretty sure we’ve never met them before, so either they’re really important or ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The kids seem excited, so…. yay? Hamm and pineapple looks shifty eyed at his daughter and says “if I leave, can you keep your mouth shut?” WOW. Clearly family = not his problem. How very supportive.

Grandpa seems super keen to die from Diabetes by repeatedly asking for the sugar bowl (I’m picturing him just face planting in it and going OM NOM NOM NOM) and Betty isn’t impressed. Hamm sandwhich comments about  how nice it is having another woman in the house (HAH) and I’m wondering what it is that he actually wants, like for reals Hamm pizza – what do you want? Because when you’re at home you clearly don’t want to be there, but when you’re away from home you act as though you do, so MAKE UP YOUR MIND PAL.

Betty talks code about a suitcase so that she can talk to Don in private in their bedroom, and sadly suitcase isn’t code for nookie because I think that’s the only thing these two occasionally have (asides from the fact that she’s pretty much his life sized personal Barbie). “Aunt” Gloria isn’t a real Aunt it seems, and they’re all going to the beach together for the long weekend. This “aunt” seems to have swooped on the Grandpa after the Grandmother died. She’s a “vulture” according to Betty. Don calls Betty “Birdie” and huh? Is that a Hitchcock reference? *GASP* he doesn’t want to shoot her like she did the pigeons does he???

Don is making the excuse to go the office and work for the long weekend instead of going to the beach with them… the office… instead of the beach…

Y U NO LIKE UR FAMILY?

Y U NO GO BEACH?

The Kennedy ad plays in the office while the ad men drink. It’s clear Kennedy’s ad is way better than the Nixon one, which is boring and tedious and I actually genuinely forget what the hell they’re all talking about because IT’S SO HOT and the ad was SO BORING.

Peanut boss talks about how the men aren’t watching enough TV and I agree. Draper talks about how Nixon represents the “everyman” and Kennedy was born with a silver spoon and it it’s hitting way too close to home considering the new president is about to be sworn in and… I … just… can’t. They start talking about positive and negative/critical ads, and how they’re gonna produce a spot that aims a howitzer at Kennedy’s balls and I’ll I’m thinking about is the radio sketch OOH me plums! (seriously if you want to laugh at a pretend UK show that’s about balls getting whacked – it’s a great sketch).

Peanut asks Joan to follow him and the jazz band that just started playing in the background (what is this now, a pantomime???) and the look on her face says SO much. He talks to himself out loud as though she’s asked him questions as they walk (V. BELIEVABLE PEANUT, GOOD JOB, NO ONE SUSPECTS YOU’RE TALKING TO YOURSELF). He leads her back to his office and tells her about how his wife is out of town.

Geddit. She’s out of town…

monty-python

*wink wink nudge nudge* say no more!

He offers her the opportunity to go and see a Broadway show NAKED. Joan looks about as interested in doing this as she would picking up dog poo off a sidewalk.

Rachel is back and she’s looking FABULOUS. This time, she’s accompanied by her father. The ad fellas are talking about making the department store all fabulous and amazing, because at the moment they have “nothing,” and I do declare good sir that the department store in question has gorgeous German Shepherd doggos so they definitely have SOMETHING and that something is furry and adorable and very smoochy, so they’re wrong. Rachel’s father complains about how much the store is changing, and Don awkwardly recites the love letter he’s been writing to Rachel for MONTHS telling her father how his customers are just like her – elegant, sophisticated, something you wanna pour syrup on and lick off.

Don Draper (Jon Hamm) - Mad Men - Season 1, Episode 10 - Photo Credit: Carin Baer/AMC

“You are the butter to my bread, the sheets on my bed, and when I get drunk I stand on my head.”

As they walk away, Rachel’s father thinks Draper is a little “dashing” for his tastes, which means I think his taste in men is more accustomed to this:

milhouse-dad

That’s what he expects.

But he got this:

monorail-guy

Joan’s roomie comes to her work, which is very weird because her roomie should be at her own work, and it turns out that she’s been fired from her job. Joan delivers a gorgeous truth bomb- “These men we’re constantly building them up. And for what? Dinner, jewelry? Who cares!”

mic-drop

YAS KWEEN!

Jerk face comes in and tells Draper that he’s lost an account. Draper asks Jerk face why he didn’t fight harder to keep the client and Jerk face goes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I think Draper doesn’t take the loss very well because he starts smashing stuff in his office, and Peggy is all “do you want me to come back later when you’ve finished your tanty?”. Scorched Hamm goes to tell Peanut boss about his big oopsie, while Peanut is in his office getting his nose hairs trimmed by a barber. Peanut tries to convince Hamm risotto to go out with him that evening, because he can’t get laid by Joan so he wants second best Hamm.

Peanut then says – he ACTUALLY says – “When God closes a door he opens a dress”.

excuse-me

Jerk face goes to harass Peggy about some information, to which she replies very professionally that she can’t actually give that to him, so then he gets upset and tells her she’s not being professional. She literally goes “wow, I cannot believe I am having this conversation” and I’m thinking I KNOW PEGGY WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK IS WRONG WITH HIM, when she starts telling Jerk face that she’s never really sure if he’s ever going to be nice to her or cruel when she walks past.

He reminds her that he’s married. She says to him that she remembers how confusing it must be at times, and asks whether he would like her to lie down on his couch again (y’know, to help him feel less confused).

mic-drop

WE ARE GONNA RUN OUTTA MICS PEOPLE.

The men of the office are downstairs harassing the women at the casting call, because of *course* they are. It looks as though the call went out to twins, so naturally what follows are the most awkward and painful questions (HARASSMENT) directed at these women. One “story” told by the writer guy involved a story about two calves that were born conjoined at the back, and had to be cut apart, but see they always wanted to be together and isn’t that so sweet, so he’s just gotta ask, was it the same for you ladies?

confused

That damn jazz band must have snuck around the corner because they’re playing again and I GET IT NOW – Peanut must have hired them because he decided he wanted his own theme music wherever he goes. Got it! Peanut arrives with Hamm omelette and tells the ad men to scram. They get one set of twins/human cows back in Peanut’s office or drinks. The girls giggle nervously at all the awful things that Peanut says, not because it’s funny but because it’s awkward and GROSS. There it is fellas – if you ever see women react this way, it’s not because they’re into your mouth words, it’s because we’re trying not to vomit.

Oh god. No. NONONONOOOOO. HE’S TRYING TO MAKE THE TWINS MAKE OUT WITH EACH OTHER. NOOOOOOOOOO.

twins-1

We’re in hell!

Draper decides to make an exit, and the twins decide they should go too (RUN! GET TO DA CHOPPA!) Peanut orders everyone to stay (BOOOOO). One of the twins makes a move to dance with Draper and we cut to Joan’s roomie… declaring her love for our red haired goddess. And you know what, it’s real. She’s really, truly in love with her. This is so sweet and beautiful, and the perfect antidote to that poisonous “have twins make out with each other” scene. She’s pouring her heart out, and you can feel her longing and yearning to be loved in return. She’s begging Joan to notice her. “Just think of me as a boy”.

Joan breaks her heart by telling her Roomie that she’s just had a hard day (because clearly everything the roomie just said was nonsense) and that they should go out. She walks away, roomie agrees, and they both leave, but her heart is broken and on the floor and I’m so sad for her because it was all for nothing.

joan-roomie

HEARTBREAKER

Peanut comes back into the office pretending to be a cowboy on a horse. The horse is one of the twins. Baked Hamm leaves, and one of the twins follows (preferring to “wait” for her sister outside the office), while Peanut and other twin continue to horse around (HAH).  But it’s okay, because soon it turns into a therapy session about how much he loves his family and seriously WHAT IS IT with these men in this show talking about how good their families/significant others/children are but then, y’know, they’re never THERE.

Meanwhile, Joan has brought home a couple of men with her roomie. One of them follows Joan into her bedroom, and her roomie is left with the other. As she watches Joan close the door, she’s absolutely gutted. The other guy asks her “what are we going to do” and she resigns herself, saying “whatever you want”. That’s it. I might have to leave team Joan for team roomie coz that lady put it all on the line and got stomped on. She’s the definition of brave and passionate.

There’s an emergency in Peanut’s office, he’s clutching his chest and struggling to breathe a little. It looks like a heart attack. Honey Hamm tells the twins to call an ambulance and leave. Peanut gets to the hospital, and when we see him … he doesn’t look good. He’s in pain.

Worst time to play operation EVER.

Worst time to play operation EVER.

He asks Draper if he believes in energy, human energy – souls. He’s really freaking out. Peanut’s wife comes in and he breaks down. And for the first time, I feel really sorry for him. He’s so scared and terrified of what may happen next, and I think he’s realised he’s not been the best husband/father. His daughter comes in and he breaks down…

Joan returns to the office in the middle of the night and talks to the Big Boss. He tells her that Peanut has had a heart attack. Big Boss and Joan work on sending out telegrams to all the clients to let them know about the heart attack. Jerk face makes an appearance at the hospital, just in time for both him and Draper to see an ad pop up on the TV that criticises Nixon. Yikes. They’ve been beaten at their own game.

Draper makes an appearance at Rachel’s apartment, beging her to let him in. He’s not okay, and she can sense that, and I can sense her awesomeness wavering…

DON'T DO IT RACHEL

DON’T DO IT RACHEL

She looks like a goddess and he asks her for a drink. He kisses her and she tells him he needs some rest and to calm the f*ck down coz he’s clearly not thinking straight. But it’s obvious that he’s feeling out of control, powerless, and scared of mortality. He talks about funerals and death, and is caught in the whirlpool of his mind.

He kisses her again, repeating “this is it” – she tries to talk sense into him again. But soon they are both eclipsed by passion. He stops to ask her if she wants this, to which she says “yes please” like he’s just asked her if she’d care for a warm glass of milk and some biscuits and maybe a little bit of a nap… And there endeth Rachel’s ability to stop Draper’s sausage from getting his own way.

Glazed Hamm talks to Rachel about Rachel’s mother, who died in childbirth.  He says his mother died in childbirth too, that she was a prostitute. Afterward, his father brought baby Hamm to live with him and his real wife. When Don was 10,  his father died when he got drunk and kicked in the face by a horse. His wife took up with two other men, and Don was raised by them. At first I’m not sure if I should believe him, but he’s so damn miserable it must be true.

jon-hamm-rachel

Jessica Hutchinson
Let's hang
Latest posts by Jessica Hutchinson (see all)