Nothing suss.

Nothing suss.

Today’s Drunk Men Drink of Choice: a classic Gin and Tonic

You’ll need:

  • A bottle of Gin. I’m using The Melbourne Gin Company and it’s friggen delicious.
  • A slice of lime
  • An amount of tonic water.

Method: Pour enough Gin to fill 2/3 of your pitcher glass. Top with tonic water, the slice of lime and your dignity.

Drunk Men: Mad Men Rewatch (S1E4) “New Amsterdam”

The good ol’ boys (of the ad agency, not the Blues Brothers) are sitting around listening to a comedy record. We meet Jerk Face’s wife and it’s ANNIE FROM COMMUNITY. WAT.

I look older and so very privilaged, hi!

I look older and so very privileged, don’t tell me your name because I’ll forget it.

She’s too mature here for her own good.  She’s supposed to be all naive and studious… Peggy meets Mrs Jerk Face and her face falls when she realises that no one will introduce them because she’s just a secretary – even though the world runs on secretaries yo! As they all walk away you can just tell she’ll compare herself to that lady FOREVER and that’s not a healthy way to love yourself and you need to LOVE YOURSELF PEGGY, LOVE YO SELF GURL.

But it’s okay- Peggy gets the last laugh, because while she’s busy being a total legend, Not-Annie and Jerk face are in the fifth circle of hell: apartment shopping.

And your balls can go in a dish in that corner!

And your balls can go in a dish in that corner!

The show’s creators also do a subtle dig at us losers living in the modern age because these two kids are able to buy this enormous multi-bedroom, multi-bathroom place… for $32,000 dollars.



Rachel bumps into Hamm sandwich in the hallway and she’s icy to say the least. Not-so-nice-guy from that other episode who probably has a character name leaves Rachel with Hamm steak alone and it’s awkies as f**k. She brings up the weather for crying out loud. She shuts down big playa’s lunch offer and I can hear Hamm sausage’s little sausage deflate.

DOGGO! Betty’s walking the doggo! She’s perfect (THE DOGGO NOT BETTY). Doggo is having a grand old time but then the cameraman quickly makes it about Betty and that’s not cool bro, there are some of us that came here for the doggo dude. Betty encounters a scary guy who is banging on the door of his ex-wife’s house. He asks if he can go into her house to make a call so his ex-wife will let him in to see the kids and Betty refuses. Damn. Fricken. Straight. No way in hell you let that kind of person into your house. The look on his face demonstrates everything women are terrified about. The look of a privileged man who doesn’t like being told no is scary as f**k, because he could do anything.

Next, Betty and divorcee sit around smoking while Betty wears a sheer curtain and they awkwardly discuss the circumstances around divorced lady’s divorce and why that scary fella was banging on her door.

I saw it in a magazine, I just took down some curtains and ended up with this sexy bed number.

I saw it in a magazine, I just took down some curtains and ended up with this sexy bed number.

OH Jerk face is over at his parents! His wife clearly wants him to try and leverage money from the parents to help pay for the apartment. The fourth circle of hell. They refuse. He lies to wifey about asking. They have such a good marriage.

On a rampage from feeling inadequate with his parents and job, Jerk face helps dig Hamm pizza a hole when the latest client gets unhappy about the marketing strategy for steel. Silly pickled Hamm should have done what he does best, market Jon Ham. Jerk face goes on to tell Hamm scone how he’s got so many ideas, they’re coming out the wazoo, and Hamm bacon couldn’t be happier to see the back of Jerk face as he leaves.


Jerk face and wifey are at dinner with her parents, and she manages to convince her dad to buy the apartment for them. Jerk face tries to convince father-in-law the apartment isn’t worth it, and wifey is very confused over why Jerk face doesn’t want to take it. Jerk face turns into a really big grump after dinner and complains that he never gets what he wants, wifey says that all she ever really wanted was him and I have no idea why.

Betty gets roped into babysitting and does what any rational person would do in these situations – snoop into drawers that aren’t hers (J/K but srsly, WTF Betty). Divorcee’s son interrupts her while she’s on the loo and it’s weird. And creepy. It becomes apparent that little Glen has a crush on Betty and he asks her for a piece of her hair. Betty strangely agrees to give it to him which is ridiculous because VOODOO BETTY. He might know VOODOO.

Creepy child stalker does a boob nuzzle - NOPE NOPE NOPE

Creepy child stalker does a boob nuzzle – NOPE NOPE NOPE

Jerk face meets the client at a bar and bring some ladies with him to balance out his jerkiness with sweetness. He talks to the client about his wazoo ideas but he’s not interested, he’s more interested in getting sweet with the ladies.

But then creepy client likes his idea the next day and Hamm muffins doesn’t like that Jerk face did a Bradbury to him sucessfully. So he tells Jerk face to jerk off leave and never come back. Leave now, and never come back PRECIOUS! Jerk face goes and sits in his office drinking (oh wouldn’t that be nice…) while he panics about his uncertain future.

Hamm pie, boss man and bigger boss man then have a chat about Jerk face’s future with the company. His rich family is a gateway to bigger clients, which would be good because money. Bigger boss man says he can’t be fired, because money, and sliced Hamm has a sook. Boss and Hamm soup walk into Jerk face’s office and boss pulls an epic slight of hand telling him that he was fired but Hamm platter fought to save his job. Hamm sauce is shocked at the swifty that’s been pulled but super happy that he has a position of power over Jerk face again.


Hamm pudding and boss man have an uptight manly conversation about how Don’s generation are a pile of sooks. And so it goes, the immortal conversation. “You kids whinge about everything,” “our whinging is legit” and everybody drinks.

Also – Jon Hamms Wang is totally a website that exists. It’s appears safe for work. I think. I looked at the first page only. For research purposes.

Jessica Hutchinson
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