The 3 episode rule clearly states (in my head) that if a show doesn’t grab me by the 3rd episode it gets to… sleep with the fishes. Let’s find out if it makes the cut.
Drunk Men Rewatch: S1E3 “Marriage of Figaro”
Today we’re drinking white vino because it was what was left in the fridge after cooking #classy. Next episode we start on the cocktails, because frankly dear reader you deserve better.
Hamm and sausage is back on the innuendo train (minus the innuendo) looking confused at a car in a magazine. It’s a Volkswagen with the word “Lemon” written under it. It’s totally not a statement about the car in the 60’s, it’s an eerie prediction about the terrible public relations disaster that was to occur in our times- remember the whole elevated gas emissions thing they tried to falsify? Yeah. Lemon.
Larry comes up to Hamm loaf and makes minimal fuss out of the fact that he’s that one guy you always bump into that you never remember, and yep, poor pickled Hamm doesn’t really remember him. Poor Larry. Here’s a toast to all the Larry’s of the world. He really takes it in his stride though and I can’t help but feel like he’s maybe got his shit together more than Hamm sandwich does.
UGH. Jerk face is back from his honeymoon and I just CAN’T. He looks 12 and smug, like an internet troll. He talks about how wedding rings = catnip for ladies and ARGH ARGH NO NO NO. Just because you put one on doesn’t mean you BECOME the precious Jerk face.
They’ve put Chinese people in Jerk Face’s office as a joke (yep) and basically confirm that the 60’s were also racist as f**k, which leads right into a meeting where they try to find ways of selling laxatives, including the use of the “word” Satisfeculant.
Just let that sit in your mouth for a moment. Satisfeculant.
Jerk face is late to the meeting so he decides to break Peggy’s heart by telling her that his little visit to her apartment that happened before he got married was silly and totally not happening again because he’s now the precious, so she better stay away from his chick attracting wedding band, and I want to break Jerk face’s… face. Jerk face talks about wife like she’s a novelty, the same way Hamm talks about cuff links as jewellery for men and OH LOOK SIMILARITIES because women are shiny accessories to life! Except they’re better because they cook you dinner!
Saucy Joan talks about a steamy classic book Lady Chatterley’s Lover and now I’m wondering if I should read it. For academic purposes.
Rachel is back OH MY GOD SHE LOOKS FABULOUS, HER HAT, HER POISE, JUST MARRY ME. Or be my best friend, either will do, seriously call me and we’ll hang out. This week’s meeting catering is brought to you by Bloody Mary’s and salmon finger food and I just don’t get this weird need for seafood at a business meeting (do they want people to think they’re fishy? Bahahahaha).
Sliced Hamm’s cuff links fall off his shirt onto the table so Rachel flicks it back to him and they share a glance that totally means they’re listening to each other’s bodies more than the meeting. Bland business executive gives Rachel a comprehensive overview of her competitors and why they work so well. Rachel reminds everybody of the power of her psychic vagina by accurately guessing they haven’t bothered to visit her store or consider her business’ needs. Hamm toastie fess’s up on behalf of all the men and agrees, earning her respect and confirming her disapproval.
To appease our goddess Rachel, Hamm and cheese turns up at the department store presumably to offer a ritual sacrifice of what’s in his pants. Rachel buys him Medieval Knight Cuff links. Innuendo? In your endo.
Jerk face tells Peggy she looks nice and CAN’T HE SEE THAT HE’S BROKEN HER HEART how DARE.
AND THERE’S DOGGYS AT THE DEPARTMENT STORE! BEAUTIFUL GERMAN SHEPHERD DOGGOS THAT WALK THE STORE LOOKING FOR SHOPLIFTERS! They are beautiful like heaven on earth and that’s it I’m in everyone. The 3 episode rule is moot at this point because the show has given me beautiful, cheerful doggos and a freakin’ goddess who loves them. “For a little girl, a dog can be all you need”. RESPECK. LESS THAN THREE.
Ritual sacrifice starts with a pash and quickly ends when Hamm steak tells Rachel he’s married, so of course she starts blaming herself for the big pash. Out of utter shame and embarrassment she asks for someone else to run her account at the firm, basically a “let’s pretend this never happened and stay friends but keep the business side out of it”. He gets a bit sooky but she’s totally right. He boards the lonely train to lonelyville and looks baffled at a newspaper.
Hamm croissant lies to his child about getting her a pony for her birthday and I feel as though it’s entirely symbolic of his life. He cracks a million beers while he constructs the real present – a playhouse – while Frosty (let’s start using her character name Betty) and her friend perv on her sweaty husband. Betty seems mighty chirpy since the last episode, so I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a comment on how her therapy is going. It could also be the amount of alcohol she’s put in the mint juleps or the amount of finger food she’s putting together. Let’s face it, that’d be my source of happiness too.
Betty gets super judgemental over her guest’s choice of wrapping paper and lifestyle. The group of mothers sit around and judge the new divorcee over her divorce and her walking habit, because heaven knows you shouldn’t leave the house when you’re SINGLE how very DARE.
Hamm pizza plays I-spy with his camera and finds two married people getting smoochy, which means YOU GUYS IT’S A CALLBACK. Lady Chatterley’s lover. So clever. Top marks to the series writers. He then goes missing while going out to bring back the birthday cake, forcing Betty to accept the divorcee’s emergency cake which was *so* not okay, and now we can see a clear link between her nerves/hand issues/marriage because you don’t go out promising to get cake and return with NOTHING. You never do that.
Looks like our game of “Where’s Hammy?” ends when he gets home… and somehow he has brought a beautiful Golden Retriever with him and the kids name it Polly and she’s such a good girl and she’s sitting there and she has a big smile and the kids are all over her giving her hugs and she’s like it’s okay I’m a good doggo and you is my humans and I will love you and look after you as long as I can and it’s the perfect end to an episode because the family now has a doggo and it’s just like Downton Abby!!!
MIC DROP ON MAD MEN.
I’m in it for the long haul now (provided they do. not. f**k. with. the. dog.)
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