Check dem blinds yo…

Like all us mere mortals, I get a bit behind occasionally on my TV and movie watchin’. Like with Mad Men. There’s only so many hours in a bottle – I mean day. In a day. That’s all about to change. Join me, as I experience Mad Men from a haze of booze. Welcome to DRUNK MEN recaps.

Drunk Mad Men Season 1, Episode 1

This Episode is brought to you by some  horrible sparkling wine and fortified wine.

OK- for reals, the only things I know about this show is that it stars Christina Hendricks of saucy Firefly fame, and it’s where Mr Hamm-a-lam-a-ding-dong got his huge break. We start with the opening credits, naturally, and… it features someone falling from the top of a building. Gee. Off to such an encouraging start. Was the dude also drunk? Is this an omen of things to come? (Note to self, stay away from tall buildings)

Mr Hamm is doing himself a concern at a table with his napkin and almost gets the nice black waiter fired for being black. And then to cheer him up tells him a story about how all these evil tobacco weevils might destroy all of his favourite cigarettes. He’s a real pal.

Jon Hamm

Imma write you a check-PSYCH! It’s a napkin.

And just at the moment I realise the bottle of sparkling I’ve opened has gone bad (HOW does that even HAPPEN?)  a dude with a baby face who’s being very ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about his bachelor party tells his fiance that it’s all going to be fine because he’s “giving up my [his] life to be with you [her]”.

This is basically perfect timing because holy shit I’m going to have a feminist field day with this f***ing show. I don’t think there’s a word limit big enough to honestly deal with one singular episode and all the things so incredibly f***ed about these antiquated attitudes (which is clearly a huge theme on this show).

And on that note, I’ve switched to fortified wine and that means it’s gonna get a little messy a lot faster.

Just as I take my first sip of liquid gold the most incredibly fabulous Christina Hendricks walks onto screen and that just can’t be a coincidence and now I’m hoping the show is all about her. Even when she comments about finding the new girl a guy so that she can move out to the country and live off of his dough – instead of having a fulfilled working life in the city – I’m down with it. Because she’s oozing sass. But srsly. Dudes = not everything in life new girl Peggy. I have hope for you yet.

Spill mustard on this top, nobody will notice.

Spill mustard on this top, nobody will notice.

Then a German Doctor lady gives Mr Hamm sandwich a burn so bad that he’s gonna need some ice from his drinks tray. He decides to take a huge nap instead. Turns out adulting was hard even in the 60’s. Naps are so underrated.

Young jerk face bachelor has decided to be incredibly ugly towards new girl Peggy because she didn’t run her wardrobe past him before her first day. I hope she returns the favour in a future episode by telling him he looks like used toilet paper.

Now we return to an incredible client. “You were expecting me to be a man. My father was too.” Holy s**t and heck this show has some formidable babes in it. Bad ass client Rachel has come in and Hamm gets strung (Hamstrung! HAHA!)

Then stuff gets just… *shudder*. Oh god. Peggy goes to an… OBGYN? Some guy with REALLY large plastic gloves who lectures her about the contraceptive pill while shoving a metal spatula up her huhu. Cut to shrimp cocktails at a business meeting and it just seems really unhygienic. Rachel tells him to stick his ideas where the sun don’t shine and Hamm sausage cries because someone without a penis told him he wasn’t giving them what they wanted.

Young jerk face tries to Bradbury Mr Hamm (look it up, Bradbury is an Aussie thing – you’ll sound way cool if you use it, you’re welcome). Hamm pizza pulls a double Bradbury (not an Aussie thing but if you looked up “Bradbury” you’ll get it) and pulls the rug from jerk face by doing a marketing 101 during the meeting that throws one of the fellas so much he just can’t EVEN.

Being a success is so hard.

It’s a sandwich in my pocket I swear.

The show’s writers are trying to be all “wink wink, nudge nudge” about us folks in the future knowing about photocopiers, and though it’s cute, it’s just a little too cute. What worked way better was that sweet vid that Christina Hendricks starred in where she was playing her character but in the future with computers. That was clever and funny.

"My values are in my pants", "um, ew."

“My values are in my pants”, “um, ew.”

A Marilyn Monroe impersonator takes off a glove on stage so that means the batchelor party is well under way, which also means it takes absolutely no time for jerk face to be a total jerk face to the girls that have joined their table. I just… UGH. Someone do something to him. Please.

Meanwhile – Rachel is a total boss and informs Hamm face that she know’s he’s a ham face and that he got in trouble for calling out her vagina when he got upset. The drinks meeting goes downhill pretty quickly when Hamm steak vocalises his confusion, “Y U NO HAVE BABIES? Business hard, hard for men, men like hard things.” Rachel doesn’t buy it and calls out how shitty it must be to be either sex, how neither of them can be happy because of the social constructs that surround them. She is a woman before her time and deserves her own spin-off. I couldn’t adore this lady more.

I like my Hamm... toasted. To smithereens. Because I'm better than you.

I like my Hamm… toasted. To smithereens. Because I’m better than you.

OH dear. Things take a turn for the worst when Jerk face turns up at Peggy’s. She indulges his jerkiness by answering the door, probably hoping to get an apology, but jerk face instead gets way too close and whispers “I HAD TO SEE YOU”.

She very unfortunately leads him into her apartment and the innuendo leads us to Hamm on rye on a train that’s very wet and rocking from side to side. The innuendo train leads him home to his wife who it turns out is that solid diamond lady from the X-Men movie who hung out with Kevin Bacon heaps. I’m totally down for figuring out what undercover shenanigans she’s getting up to being a house wife in the 60’s.

Join me next week as we get into Season 1, Episode 2, and another bottle of something.

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