Before you go any further, yes, this is comedy. 

by Paul Feldman

Bloody Mary isn’t the only bathroom demon to summon! (She’s just the most powerful and will def kill you is all)

It’s every party host’s worst nightmare. You put in all the work it takes to make a great party: The painstakingly crafted iTunes playlist that showcases your erudite yet accessible taste in music, all seven varieties of Pepperidge Farm Milanos, the case of Cisco Blue Raspberry … all the pieces are in place for a fête to remember only – uh-oh! You didn’t prepare the proper ritual to summon a malevolent entity in the bathroom with the lights turned off.

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The reasons anyone might have for going into the bathroom at a party, turning off the lights and performing a demonic ritual that, by all accounts of its past workings, has absolutely zero upside for the summoner and only results in terror, suffering, pain and death are shrouded in mystery. But do you really want to be the one questioning tradition with a house full of bored guests and not enough Goosebumps paperbacks to go round? You can’t just fall back on your Ouija Board or the diabolical pointing pencil trick. Your party has to be a success. New town, new school – this could be your year!

In the interest of public service, I’d like to present this handy-dandy Necromantic guide to entities currently on avail for bathroom invocations, manifestations and full-blown incarnations.

NOTE: Performing the Blasphemous Art of Necromancy can get a little hairy at times, but don’t forget what’s at stake here: Your standing in the eighth-grade hierarchy. (That shit lasts all year, homes)   Above all else, remember the Necromancer’s creed, as writ in the infamous Grimoire, Solomon’s Key:Pessimam Quid fieri?(“What’s the worst that could happen?”)

And with that, let us begin our Catalog of Fell Bathroom Beings:

Glayben Glayben Glayben

WHAT TO DO: According to legend, Glayben Glayben Glayben is the spirit of a deceased condominium homeowners’ association president. His name is lost to time, but his wrathful ghost remains, ready to pierce the veil when his nickname is thrice invoked with a Jerry Lewis-like bleat (This manner of invocation is known in Necromancy as the Principia Beeltejuicia). The bathroom should be dark, save for the blue light coming from a portable 5-inch diagonal TV, preferably an Emerson or Radio Shack, set to either local news or re-runs of Matlock. Using Phillips Milk of Magnesia, inscribe the Seal of Glayben Glayben Glayben on the vanity before you and speak his cursed name.

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WHAT TO EXPECT: The harbinger of Glayben Glayben Glayben is a strong odor of Fixodent and regret. The door will slam shut and you will be locked in the bathroom for no less than six hours. Glayben Glayben Glayben will then proceed to order delivery from all local restaurants. When the food arrives, Glayben Glayben Glayben will show each delivery person their death in a terrifying vision and stiff them on the tip, thus ensuring you can never order in again. What a dick.

Lentil The Hauntress

WHAT TO DO: Enter the bathroom with a single soy candle burning, Jasmine scented if possible. While chewing your way through a pound of raw lacinato kale, sing Vanessa Carlton’s “1000 Miles”. When you are finished singing, drop your phone in the toilet. Through the power released by this sacrifice, Lentil will enter the material plane.

WHAT TO EXPECT: Lentil will appear and immediately begin asking you for advice, but she’s really just looking to you for affirmation on a decision she’s already made. She’s on her own path anyway, and you need to respect that.

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Glenn Danzig

glenn danzig


WHAT TO DO: To summon Glenn Danzig, you will first need to contact his agent. The best time to catch him is after lunch, but not on Friday or right before a holiday because sometimes people go home early. After an appropriate offering of something in the neighborhood of mid-five figures is made, Glenn will appear. Be sure to have bottled water and a health-sensible sandwich tray on hand. The band may want beer. No photos, unless you want to play pick-up-teeth.

WHAT TO EXPECT: Glenn will probably oblige you with some solid deep cuts from the first two albums along with highlights from the rest of his sizable catalog but do not ask for any Misfits or Samhain if he’s only playing as Danzig. That bugs him.

Slorgoth the Unclean

WHAT TO DO: This summoning may only be performed at midnight on the Eve of the Third Harvest. The Necromancer must be clothed in black and bear the Seal of Romulus etched in brass as protection at all times. Kneel before an ovoid mirror and paint it with the prescribed mixture of pitch, kitten tears and sour milk. You should be singing “Silent Night” backward, including the melody, during the painting. Once this task is completed, crack a rotten egg in the sink. Use the Chant of Summoning found on page DCLXVI of Solomon’s Key. Slorgoth will appear, preceded by a shower of flesh and locusts.

WHAT TO EXPECT: Actually, you probably shouldn’t summon Slorgoth the Unclean. He’s hardcore.