DISCLAIMER: This recap of Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode “Ransom” contains more spoilers than the number of times Boyle has said something inadvertently laden with sexual innuendo. He’s not one of the “Workplace Bone Buds” for nothing. You’ve been warned. Proceed with caution. 

Welcome back, Nine-Niners! We’ve reached penultimate episode territory this week. It’s hard to believe that next Thursday will air the Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season 7 finale! Alas, here we are. “Ransom” was all about Cheddar’s unfortunate kidnap, and Holt’s journey of freeing his fluffy boy from his captor. Marc Evan Jackson returned as Kevin, and I think this is the first time we’ve seen him all season. His scenes with Holt and Jake were priceless. In the B story line we ventured out to the baby store with Amy and Rosa. Boyle and Terry teamed up to sell the former’s famous Bone Broth – and no, it’s not a sex thing. Get your collective mind out of the gutter. 

Alright, ready to delve into “Ransom?” Let’s get to it. 

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Now, we open with Jake (Andy Samberg) heeding Holt’s (Andre Braugher) call of desperation – poor Cheddar, the fluffiest boy in all the land, has been kidnapped. He orders Jake to drop everything and find America’s favorite dog. Nay, dare I say the world’s favorite dog. 

Still of Andre Braugher in Brooklyn Nine-Nine

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE — “Ransom” Episode 712 — Pictured: Andre Braugher as Ray Holt — (Photo by: Jordin Althaus/NBC)

Meanwhile, Amy (Melissa Fumero) is submitting herself into a competition to win a baby stroller. It’s called a “Snoog,” and apparently it’s the chicest, most opulent stroller one can buy. With a name like that, I can see why. Rosa (Stephanie Beatriz) reluctantly follows Amy to the store where the Snoog is sold. Much to their collective surprise, they run in to Amy’s ex-boyfriend Teddy (Kyle Bornheimer). He claims that he’s also there to compete for the fabled Snoog. However, Amy discovers that pregnant women are not allowed to enter said competition but cannot disclose why because, you know, gag orders. Thus, Rosa submits herself in Amy’s stead. Like a good friend should. 

Next, we see Boyle (Joe Lo Truglio) offering Terry (Terry Crews) some of his bone broth (title of his sex tape). Apparently, it’s a cemented Boyle recipe that’s perfect for aches and pains. Terry’s muscle soreness dissipates, and he believes Boyle may be on to something with this bone broth. The pair decide that a business venture lies in their future. 

Later, Jake takes Kevin (Marc Evan Jackson) to the park where the latter was last with Cheddar. They retrace Kevin’s steps until Jake notices a security camera. They can extract footage of the crime! Back at the precinct, we also learn that the kidnapper wants files from 2004. Said kidnapper was also just released from prison after serving a 16-year sentence. Perhaps he’s gunning for the person responsible for throwing him under the bus all those years ago? 

Still of Andy Samberg and Marc Evan Jackson in Brooklyn Nine-Nine

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE — “Ransom” Episode 712 — Pictured: (l-r) Andy Samberg as Jake Peralta, Marc Evan Jackson as Kevin — (Photo by: Jordin Althaus/NBC)

Then, we see Rosa, Teddy and others have their hands on the coveted Snoog. The last competitor standing wins the stroller. Teddy appears to be boring his fellow competitors to quit and, no, it’s not an act. Teddy is just an authentically boring person. 

Now, Boyle and Terry meet with a potential distributor. Said distributor enjoys the taste of the “Workplace Bone Buds” bone broth, especially since Terry withheld the salt. Boyle exclaims that the salt wasn’t for the taste – it was meant to prevent the mixture from exploding. Suddenly, we see mason jars burst simultaneously, and glass rains down all around the trio. It’s a bone explosion (title of your sex tape)! 

Next, Holt makes contact with Cheddar’s kidnapper. They agree to meet in the park at 8am sharp the following day. The dog will be exchanged for a flash drive that contains the aforementioned files from 2004. However, the felon wants Kevin to be there for the exchange, not Holt. Holt refuses, but thankfully our Jakey has a plan: he’ll pretend to be Kevin. We see him don Kevin’s professorial-esque clothing. Holt and Kevin teach him in the art of capturing Kevin’s speech cadence. It’s a delightful montage that showcases the trio’s wonderful on-screen chemistry. Indeed. Indeed indeed indeed indeed. No doubt, no doubt. Finally, Jake nails Kevin’s persona on the head. 

Meanwhile, we see only Teddy and Rosa are left standing at the baby store. They’ve been at it for almost a whole day. Amy brings Rosa a much-needed caffeine boost. Unfortunately, Rosa’s sleep-deprived state forsakes her when she accidentally takes both hands off the stroller. Teddy wins! He offers to give Amy the stroller in exchange for marriage. Yes, Teddy proposes to Amy for the fifth time. Read the room, dude! She’s already hitched! 

Still of Joe Lo Truglio and Terry Crews in Brooklyn Nine-Nine

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE — “Ransom” Episode 712 — Pictured: (l-r) Chris Cordone as Kenneth, Joe Lo Truglio as Charles Boyle, Terry Crews as Terry Jeffords — (Photo by: Jordin Althaus/NBC)

Later, Jake is donning the proper Kevin attire (along with a snazzy faux beard) and he’s armed with the flash drive. He meets the kidnapper in person. Thankfully, Cheddar is in the man’s car and appears to be safe. Jake gives himself away when the kidnapper administers a pat down and discovers two guns. The kidnapper also severs the wire connecting Jake to Holt, so there’s that. But Jake is able to release Cheddar into the wild, and we see the fluffiest boy in all the land reunite with his parents. It’s joyful. And wonderful. God, this quarantine is testing my emotional fortitude. 

Now, we see Boyle and Terry’s bone broth deal didn’t pan out with the previous distributor. However, Terry has another friend who would love to buy out the workplacebonebuds.com domain. You know, for those buds at work that want to start a business. Not as a Tinder-type website. Never. Meanwhile, Amy learns that Rosa already purchased a stroller for her. It isn’t a Snoog, but it’ll do in a pinch. 

Then, the kidnapper whisks Jake off to an undisclosed location. He’s under the impression that the flash drive is fake, and grills Jake on the actual files’ whereabouts. Kevin and Holt realize that Jake is in possession of the GPS tags they purchased for Cheddar, so perhaps they can connect to those to find him. Success! We see Holt is able to track down Jake, but not before the kidnapper throws the latter into his car and drives off. Holt jumps on top of the moving car. He struggles with the kidnapper for a bit before careening off said roof and landing on the ground. Holt and the kidnapper square off in a bout of fisticuffs. Then, with the most bad*ss move coupled with the most bad*ss one-liner, Holt knocks the kidnapper unconscious. Jake is baffled by the sight. Kidnapper dude is arrested. Bingpot! 

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Now, that was an ending! Color me impressed. I’m sure Braugher wasn’t doing all of his stunt choreography, but coordinating any kind of action sequence takes skills. Braugher is, as per usual, my episodic MVP. His anger at Cheddar’s disappearance, while heartbreaking, was still knee-slapping hilarious. Of course, comedy is rooted in honesty, and his actual anger made the witty one-liners pop all the more. Next week’s finale is called “Lights Out,” which sounds somewhat formidable. I’m curious to see what that bodes for our crew. 

Do you think we’ll get Amy’s baby shower in the finale? Will someone we love come in harm’s way? Will Holt and Kevin give Cheddar all the belly rubs for enduring such a frightening ordeal? Join me next week as I recap Brooklyn Nine-Nine, here on Geek Girl Authority. 

Brooklyn Nine-Nine airs Thursdays at 8:30pm on your NBC affiliate.