DISCLAIMER: This Brooklyn Nine-Nine recap of “Valloweaster” contains more spoilers than the number of questionable objects Norm Scully can ingest in one sitting. He’s the human form of a garbage disposal. You’ve been warned. Proceed with caution.
Welcome back, Nine-Niners! Brooklyn Nine-Nine blessed us with the longest Halloween Heist to date. This one encompassed three holidays and spanned six months. Half a year! That’s dedication, folks. This time, Rosa Diaz was crowned the next Amazing Human/Genius…three times! She devised a devious plan to seize the crown for all three holidays unbeknownst to the rest of the gang. Cheddar made an epic slow-motion entrance. There were bunny costumes galore. Plenty of Infinitude stones befitting of a bad*ss Infinitude Gobbler. If you thought Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Endgame were grandiose blockbusters rife with action and thrilling heroics, then clearly you haven’t seen “Valloweaster.” And it shows.
Alright, ready to delve into “Valloweaster?” Let’s get to it.
Now, we open with two detectives waltzing into a bunny-filled bullpen. Apparently, this is the product of months of, presumably, Halloween Heist shenanigans. Flashback time! We see Jake (Andy Samberg) introducing the Halloween Heist in October of 2019. Everyone picks a partner via card from a concealed pile. Rosa (Stephanie Beatriz) is stuck with Scully (Joel McKinnon Miller). Amy (Melissa Fumero) is teamed up with Boyle (Joe Lo Truglio). Lastly, Jake is partnered with Holt (Andre Braugher). Terry (Terry Crews) takes the high road and claims he’s retired from the heist life. Poor Hitchcock (Dirk Blocker) is bereft of a partner. Oh, and each team member will be handcuffed to their counterpart. So, good luck taking a plethora of trips to the bathroom with Scully, Rosa. I do not envy you.
Next, Jake reveals the gang will be vying for three Infinitude stones, which fit perfectly in the illustrious Infinitude Gobbler. The gang’s favorite Boyle lookalike Bill (Winston Story) will house the aforementioned stones in his pants pocket. So…let the heist commence!
Then, while our respective teams are formulating their plans for how to snatch the stones from Bill, the bullpen begins to fill up with smoke. Jake and Holt don soundless slippers and surreptitiously sneak into the bullpen under cover of said smoke. Unfortunately, a lone chair trips up Jake and he drops the stones. Thankfully, Cheddar comes to the rescue at Holt’s beck and call. But, our majestic fur friend decides to swallow the Infinitude stones. Uh oh. They take Cheddar to the vet, wherein our gang discovers that heisting will have to be on hold until Cheddar poops out the stones.
Now, fast forward to Valentine’s Day. Bill returns to resume his post looking worse for the wear. He stands solitary in the bullpen. Suddenly, a swarm of flower bouquets are delivered to Bill. We see him disappear amid the horde of flowers. Rosa emerges with Scully after yet another bathroom adventure, bewildered by the display. That is, until she reveals that Scully scooped up the stones with his mouth. Then, he proceeds to inadvertently swallow them. So, there goes that. Our team must wait for him to pass them…again.
Later, we arrive at Easter in April. Scully is ordered by his doctor to refrain from shenanigans, since it’s high likely that he’ll meet his demise via shenanigans. Or tomfoolery. Rosa decides to replace him with a filing cabinet. Makes sense. Find a better dream team…I’ll wait.
Next, we see everyone donning identical bunny costumes. Bill is now pants-less and sporting a trendy fanny pack, wherein the Infinitude stones reside. We see a horde of bunnies run amok in the bullpen, and Jake and Holt manage to mingle with them undetected. As do Amy and Boyle, and Rosa with her filing cabinet. We see the two detectives from the beginning of the episode enter the bullpen to utter chaos – a horde of bunnies fighting each other. A lone bunny breaks free from the melee, making a break for the roof. Said bunny is clinging to the fanny pack for dear life. They jump off the ledge. So, who was the bunny, you ask? None other than one Rosa Diaz, who just won the Halloween Heist. Get it, Diaz!
Now, Rosa reveals how she pulled it off. She purposefully made it so she would be partnered with Scully. Rosa also trained Cheddar to enjoy the taste of ham, and ensured the stones were scented as the aforementioned so he would swallow them. In addition, she planned on Scully swallowing the stones during Valentine’s Day. Lastly, she knew of Jake and Holt’s bunny costume plan. She spies on Jake during his therapy sessions, which is totally normal and cool. Oh, and she obtained the stones during Halloween, Valentine’s Day and Easter. Which means she’s a three-time champ!
Later, our gang is celebrating Rosa’s victories at Shaw’s. She’s sporting two Infinitude Gobblers with three sets of stones. A crown rests upon her brow. She observes as the gang begins arguing among themselves. Rosa revels in her sweet, sweet three-time victory.
All hail Queen Rosa Diaz – an Amazing Human/Genius! Our girl is now the leading champion in the longstanding tradition of Halloween Heists. Now, we’re only two episodes away from the end of Season 7. The final two episodes are titled “Ransom” and “Lights Out.” Of course, we can assume that some kind of kidnapping is occurring in episode 12. Episode 13 sounds ominous based off the title alone. Please protect my chaotic Nine-Nine children at all costs!
Do you think one of our crew will be in grave danger in the last two episodes? Will we get a Peraltiago birth by the finale, or will the Powers That Be save that for Season 8? Join me next week as I recap Brooklyn Nine-Nine here on Geek Girl Authority.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine airs Thursdays at 8:30pm on your NBC affiliate.
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