DISCLAIMER: This Brooklyn Nine-Nine recap of “Hitchcock & Scully” contains more spoilers than the number of yogurts Terry can consume in one sitting. Terry loves him some yogurt. You’ve been warned. Prepare for 99th precinct shenanigans, and enter at your own peril. 

Welcome back, Nine-Niners! Ah, it’s so good to have Brooklyn Nine-Nine back in our lives. That gaping, Peraltiago-shaped hole in my heart is finally closing. This week we delved into Hitchcock and Scully’s origin story. We learned of the events that transformed the dynamic duo as we know them. Oh, and apparently they were easy on the eyes back in 1986. Meanwhile, everyone struggled with the new working arrangements at the 99th precinct. As it turned out, newly christened police commissioner John Kelly didn’t take too kindly to Holt’s vocal opposition of the former’s policies. Thankfully, Holt has one thing that Kelly doesn’t – a whole squad to back him up. Noice!

Alright, ready to explore “Hitchcock & Scully?” Just be sure to save some wings from Wing Slutz for our favorite desk jockeys. Those wings were specially crafted by the God of Wings himself. 

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We open on New York City, 1986. Two attractive detectives close out a case, snagging the criminal and seizing copious amounts of drug money along the way. We discover they’re none other than a young Hitchcock and Scully. Fast forward to present day New York City, Brooklyn’s 99th precinct. Rosa (Stephanie Beatriz) and Terry (Terry Crews) lament over limited resources in the bull pen ever since the other floors in the precinct were dissolved. Courtesy of Commissioner Kelly, of course. Everyone is clearly struggling to adjust to operating in the same space. The whole scenario reminds me of the overwhelming crowds in Times Square. Gina (Chelsea Peretti) informs Jake (Andy Samberg) and Boyle (Joe Lo Truglio) that Holt wishes to see them in his office. 

Next, Holt (Andre Braugher) reveals that Internal Affairs are reopening a case from 1986 – one that was initially closed by Hitchcock (Dirk Blocker) and Scully (Joel McKinnon Miller). Holt firmly believes that Kelly is merely trying to drum up a scandal for his precinct. However, he asks Jake and Boyle to delve deeper into the case. 

Meanwhile, Terry and Rosa tell Amy (Melissa Fumero) that her squad isn’t respecting the property in the bull pen. Tensions escalate as a battle begins between the “upstairs people” and the “downstairs people.” Now I want to see this adapted for a movie. Epic summer blockbuster, anyone? 

Then, Hitchcock and Scully reveal the mechanics behind the 1986 case. They had arrested a mob boss named Gio Costa for cocaine possession. Our dynamic duo also uncovered three duffel bags filled to the brim with cash. However, Jake spots an inconsistency with Hitchcock and Scully’s retelling. The photo of the young pair shows a fourth bag as well. Plot twist! Thus, Jake and Boyle must resort to interrogating their colleagues in the interrogation room. Here’s hoping Jake doesn’t have to pull out his ol’ guitar trick…

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE — “Hitchcock & Scully” Episode 602 — Pictured: (l-r) Dirk Blocker as Hitchcock, Joel McKinnon Miller as Scully, Joe Lo Truglio as Charles Boyle, Andy Samberg as Jake Peralta — (Photo by: Vivian Zink/NBC)

Next, Amy notices a sign plastered on the microwave, one prohibiting “downstairs people” from utilizing it. Shots fired, y’all. Rosa and Terry even procure a signed contract from the original owner of said microwave, banning all “downstairs people.” Terry and Rosa aren’t afraid to play dirty. 

Meanwhile, Jake and Boyle move the interrogation outside since the desk jockeys had a heavy lunch laden with oodles and oodles of cheese. In the immortal words of Scully, the interrogation room would morph into a “f***ing dutch oven” had they stayed there. Jake and Boyle riffle through Hitchcock and Scully’s files. Jake takes note of a parking spot charge, despite the fact that neither Hitchcock nor Scully own a vehicle. That’s when the boys unveil the infamous Beaver Trap, the sketchy van to beat all sketchy vans. Yes, Hitchcock and Scully share a creepy van. 

Then, we see Holt planning to film a video wherein he vocally expresses his disdain for Kelly’s new initiatives. Gina enters and urges Holt to spice up his dialogue. Give it that Gina flair! Hey, not everyone can be the human form of the 100% emoji. That’s when Commissioner Kelly himself waltzes into Holt’s office. Uh oh. 

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Next, Jake and Boyle are searching the Beaver Trap for the fourth money bag. Unfortunately, their search comes up short. They only find an overabundance of questionable items. Like a mannequin, for instance. But do we really want to know why Hitchcock and Scully have a mannequin? Suddenly, Hitchcock and Scully hijack Jake’s car and bolt. Jake realizes that his phone is in the car. Boyle pulls up a tracker specially used for tracking Jake’s phone (not weird) and notices the boys are on the move. Herein lies the question though: to where? 

Meanwhile, Kelly ever so subtly threatens Holt. He threatens to “spice up life” at the nine-nine should Holt go through with the video. However, Holt stands his ground – an unwavering, stoic rock that can’t be moved. 

Later, Jake and Boyle find our pair at their favorite haunt – Wing Slutz. Hitchcock and Scully revealed that they gave the fourth money bag to Costa’s wife. She was denied protection, so the boys made sure she could support herself. Whenever they visited Wing Slutz, Marissa (Costa’s wife) would add an extra wing in their buckets, signifying that she was safe and sound. Aw, I knew Hitchcock and Scully were innocent. Big ol’ softies. 

Next, the upstairs vs. downstairs fight reaches its climax as Amy cooks questionable fish inside the microwave, causing it to overheat. Holt storms out and orders them to keep their squabbles under wraps, lest Kelly discover that everyone is really miserable. Holt definitively proclaims to Kelly that he’ll move forward with his interview. Then, Holt learns that the Internal Affairs investigation was fake. Which means that Hitchcock and Scully received that phone call from an unknown source. Kelly vows to enact revenge against Holt. Budgetary cuts, investigations against the nine-nine’s detectives – no stone will go unturned. 

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE — “Hitchcock & Scully” Episode 602 — Pictured: (l-r) Terry Crews as Terry Jeffords, Melissa Fumero as Amy Santiago — (Photo by: Vivian Zink/NBC)

Then, our quartet at Wing Slutz discovers that Gio Costa was released from prison, and as a way of seeking vengeance he staged a fake IA investigation. Suddenly, Costa and his men enter the restaurant guns blazing. Jake orders the civilians to flee out the back door. Our crew hunkers down in one of the storage rooms. Costa lingers outside, and his lackeys attempt to break the door down. Hitchcock and Scully propose a wild plan, one that involves them wearing the containers of Slut Sauce, a special concoction used to dress the wings. Our duo swears that it will do the job of a bulletproof vest. 

Now, Hitchcock and Scully burst through the back door, guns brandished, and they fire at Costa. Thankfully, the Slut Sauce protects them from Costa’s bullets. We see Holt and the nine-nine are there to arrest Costa. Team work makes the dream work. Also – that sauce is not only solid, but multi-purpose. Perhaps it’s the future of bulletproof technology. 

Later, Holt reveals that while Hitchcock and Scully had the best of intentions, there are still consequences for leaving that money unaccounted for. He gives them a year of desk duty, which is essentially a dream job for them. If there’s one thing the boys love more than wings, it’s sitting. Amy and Terry vow to stop fighting and unite as one. Holt will need all the support he can get if he’s to succeed against Kelly. Go team! 

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE — “Hitchcock & Scully” Episode 602 — Pictured: (l-r) Joel McKinnon Miller as Scully, Dirk Blocker as Hitchcock — (Photo by: Vivian Zink/NBC)

Next, we see Jake and Boyle hanging out at the bar. Jake wonders what happened to Hitchcock and Scully’s toned physiques. Flashback time! A young Hitchcock and Scully saunters into Wing Slutz, there to check up on Marissa. She offers them wings on the house for all their hard work. That’s when the decades-long love affair with wings blossomed. Wings, you guys: wings are what happened to Hitchcock and Scully. 

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 Now, the MVPs of this episode are, without a doubt, Blocker and Miller. I’ve always had a soft spot for Hitchcock and Scully. This was a wonderful origin story for them. We finally entered the elusive Wing Slutz! Took a tour through the Beaver Trap! We learned that Scully can morph any space into a dutch oven! Here’s hoping we get more screen time for these two. Blocker and Miller never cease to make me laugh, and laughter is something we could all use right about now. 

Do you think we’ll see how Jake and Boyle met? Will Kelly take his rivalry with Holt a step further? What exactly was in that fish that made it explode? Join me next week as I continue to recap Brooklyn Nine-Nine, here on Geek Girl Authority. 

Brooklyn Nine-Nine airs Thursdays at 9pm on your NBC affiliate.