Class Is in Session: Favorite Quotes From ABBOTT ELEMENTARY’s ‘Volunteers’

Melody McCune

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Ava Coleman, Barbara Howard, Gregory Eddie, Janine Teagues, Jacob Hill and Melissa Schemmenti stand in a line in the hallway of their school while looking at something in shock out of frame on Abbott Elementary Season 4 Episode 9, "Volunteers."

It’s finally here, folks — the Abbott Elementary It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia crossover event. Season 4 Episode 9, “Volunteers,” is even more hilarious than anticipated. As a massive fan of both shows, watching these characters interact onscreen is a delight and as unhinged and chaotic as I hoped. Since Dennis (Glenn Howerton) is largely absent here (for very in-character reasons), I hope we learn what he was up to when Always Sunny airs its perspective on this narrative in its upcoming season. 

To celebrate the Paddy’s Pub gang making waves at our favorite titular elementary school, here are my favorite quotes from “Volunteers.” 

RELATED: Abbott Elementary: 8 Things We Hope to See in the Always Sunny Crossover Event

Eat What?

MELISSA: “You know, if a girl came into my house and ate my porridge and slept in my bed, I’m eating her ass. [Pause] To be clear in this hypothetical, I’m a bear. [Pause] The animal. 

This is one of those quotes that gets funnier the more Melissa (Lisa Ann Walter) explains herself. I guess Goldilocks should worry about Melissa Schemmenti going into bum-munching mode. I hear it — it inexplicably sounds worse than “eating her ass.” Anyway, Walter’s delivery here is pitch-perfect, as is everyone’s reaction to the line. 

Charlie, Mac, Dee, and Frank from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia stand in the hallway of Abbott Elementary while talking to someone off-screen.
ABBOTT ELEMENTARY Season 4 Episode 9, “Volunteers.” Photo credit: Disney/Gilles Mingasson

CHARLIE: “What’re you learning here? About innovative wear. Classic fashion concerns. All right, well, first of all, ironing is a myth. Doesn’t work.” 

JACOB: “You mean Industrial War. Apologies. The students say I have the handwriting of a possessed doll.” 

CHARLIE: “I knew that — Industrial War. And that was a big one. The industries were fighting each other — big robots. And there were, of course, lots of Marines and crazy vermin and aliens. And that was very baffling for them … Maybe I’ll see if there’s any other fashion classes for me to pop in on and give some more pointers. Never iron.”

Charlie (Charlie Day) and Jacob’s (Chris Perfetti) big scene is even better than I anticipated. From the crossed intellectual wires and Jacob’s discovery that Charlie is illiterate to the students’ collective bewilderment during Charlie’s monologue, this scene might be my favorite of the episode. The Abbott Elementary creatives really capture Charlie’s personality and eccentricities. Note to self: never iron. It’s a total myth. 

RELATED: Top 20 Episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Intimidate the Raccoons

AVA: “I’ll treat them just like everyone else — with the utmost disrespect.”

Ava’s (Janelle James) modus operandi is treating everyone with the utmost disrespect (and looking good while doing it). She fits right in with the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia crew in that regard. On that note, I also love that Ava deploys her own scheme to keep Mac (Rob McElhenney) and the Paddy’s Pub gang volunteering at the school. Mac is, at least, an asset for her. 

Mac smirks while sitting in Ava Coleman's office opposite her.
ABBOTT ELEMENTARY Season 4 Episode 9, “Volunteers.” Photo credit: Disney/Gilles Mingasson

FRANK: “I told you the only way to get rid of a raccoon is intimidation. Now, I’ve got these premium pelts back at my place. I’m gonna soak ’em in the dankest urine you ever smelled. You’ll never see a raccoon as long as you live.” 

MR. JOHNSON: “This is a garden, not a Hollywood bachelor pad.”

Frank (Danny DeVito) and Mr. Johnson (William Stanford Davis) are comedy magic together. I’d love to be a fly on the wall whenever they dish on their wackiest conspiracy theories. We desperately need more context regarding Mr. Johnson meeting a famous raccoon. I suppose Rocket Raccoon is the obvious answer. Side note: the “premium pelts” bit reminds me of Always Sunny Season 15 Episode 1, “2020: A Year in Review,” in which we learn that Dee (Kaitlin Olson) and Charlie made pelts for the January 6 insurrection. 

Dee Reynolds smiles while holding a sheet of paper and standing in a classroom of a school.
ABBOTT ELEMENTARY Season 4 Episode 9, “Volunteers.” Photo credit: Disney/Gilles Mingasson

DEE: “Fun fact about me: I am ambidextrous, and you know what they say about ambidextrous girls…”

GREGORY: “That they can write with both hands?”

Dee’s gonna Dee — when she sees a hottie, she’s gotta have the hottie. In “Volunteers,” she sets her sights on Gregory (Tyler James Williams). I love his response to her about-to-be-dirty flirty line. Gregory thinks quickly on his feet. 

RELATED: Class Is in Session: Best Quotes From Abbott Elementary‘s “Back to School”

Well-Versed in Bird Law 

BARBARA: “All we have to do is find out, what do you like?”

CHARLIE: “Beer. Milk steak. Bird law.”

The above interaction between Barbara (Sheryl Lee Ralph) and Charlie scratches that Always Sunny Easter eggs itch for me. We know Charlie loves milk steak boiled over hard and a side of (your finest) jelly beans, but does Barbara know he’s also fond of little green ghouls? And that he doesn’t like people’s knees? 

Barbara Howard sits at her desk in her kindergarten classroom while meditating on Abbott Elementary Season 4 Episode 9, "Volunteers."
ABBOTT ELEMENTARY Season 4 Episode 9, “Volunteers.” Photo credit: Disney/Gilles Mingasson

JANINE: “I am fine, but this bird-ass bird is gonna get real hurt.”

Janine (Quinta Brunson) rightfully puts Dee in her place after the latter pursues Gregory, and it’s glorious to watch her snap out of her usually breezy, sunny personality. “Bird-ass bird” made me laugh out loud. Of course, if you watch Always Sunny, you know the fellas love calling Dee a “bird.” It’s hilarious to hear that observation outside of the show and by a third party. 

GREGORY: “Were you the one eating the compost this whole time?”

FRANK: “Only after you put the garlic and the chili powder on it.”

Hey, Frank loves eating cat food and huffing glue before going to bed. Compost seasoned with garlic and chili powder is not beneath him. Although, it’s no rum ham. 

RELATED: Abbott Elementary: Moira Frazier and Constance Foe Discuss Creative Process Behind Hair and Makeup

A Haunted School

MAC: “It is amazing what we were able to accomplish this week. I mean, when we got here, this place was falling apart. And now … they send children here.”

DEE: “So, it turns out Greg’s gay, which is a bummer. I do feel bad for Janine, but that can happen to the short ones.”

FRANK: “I got to work the land. I got to eat some fiber. Charlie learned to read. Community service is great. Crime is worth it. Plain and simple.”

CHARLIE: “I’m ready to get out of here. This school’s haunted. They play basketball against ghosts.”

The end-credit scene with Mac, Dee, Frank and Charlie telling the camera crew about their volunteer time at the school cracks me up. It has some of the best quotes in the episode. 

Of course Mac is conceited enough to believe he and the gang “saved” the school. And naturally, Dee has an excuse for why Gregory’s not into her. Frank is pro-crime, but that’s nothing new. As for Charlie, I’d love to see him return to the school for an effed-up ghost-hunting adventure. 

What are your favorite quotes from the Abbott Elementary It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia crossover? Sound off in the comments below. 

Abbott Elementary releases new episodes every Wednesday at 8:30 pm EST on ABC, with next-day streaming on Hulu

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