Another week, another quote-worthy Abbott Elementary episode. Season 3 Episode 9, “Alex,” finds Gregory (Tyler James Williams) and Janine (Quinta Brunson) joining forces to persuade Janine’s former student to return to classes or face expulsion.

Meanwhile, Ava (Janelle James) searches for a new teacher to replace Janine, who has accepted a full-time spot on the board. Jacob (Chris Perfetti) gives Barbara (Sheryl Lee Ralph) and Melissa (Lisa Ann Walter) the cold shoulder for utilizing AI to respond to his frequent newsletters. Thankfully, they reserve their human responses for Mr. Johnson’s (William Stanford Davis) informative, eloquent and thought-provoking monthly newsletters. 

“Alex” isn’t Abbott Elementary‘s strongest outing, but it boasts plenty of fun moments and hilarious one-liners. Additionally, it sets up a fairly high-stakes narrative, with Janine deciding to leave Abbott. I’m curious to see where that goes. 

Below, I’ve compiled a list of quotes I loved from this week’s episode of Abbott Elementary. Class is in session!

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JACOB: “Well, well, well. If it isn’t the Autobots. Or should I say Decepticons?”

Jacob knows a thing or two about Transformers but even more about so-called “friends” who use AI to reply to newsletters. This joke is solid gold. Justin Tan, this episode’s writer, deserves infinite raises. I desperately need someone to Photoshop Barbara and Melissa’s faces over some Decepticons. 

Ava Coleman stands in a school gymnasium while a row of potential teaching candidates stand in a line across from her on Abbott Elementary Season 3 Episode 9, "Alex."

ABBOTT ELEMENTARY Season 3 Episode 9, “Alex.” Photo credit: Disney/Gilles Mingasson.

AVA: “My doomsday countdown clock is set to the day that you’re back.”

Ava is always quick with scathing burns, which usually require a few layers of aloe vera. “Alex” is no exception. I’d like to see what happens when Ava’s doomsday clock hits midnight. We know she’s an avid prepper. Will she retreat to her underground bunker if Janine returns to Abbott? 

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MELISSA: “Jacob, seems like the perfect opportunity for you to tell us about that movie memberships thing you’re always proselytizing about.”

JACOB: “Well, while I would love to fill you in and explain Nicole Kidman’s role in all of it, I think you’d probably prefer to consult some of your robot friends.”

“Somehow, heartbreak feels good in a place like this.” Thank you, Abbott Elementary, for recognizing Nicole Kidman‘s indelible impact on the movie theater industry. She has singlehandedly saved show business at large. Now, the Powers That Be need to pull some strings to snag her for a cameo. 

Mr. Johnson talks to Jacob in a school hallway, who holds a newsletter in his hand, on Abbott Elementary Season 3 Episode 9, "Alex."

ABBOTT ELEMENTARY Season 3 Episode 9, “Alex.” Photo credit: Disney/Gilles Mingasson.

AVA: “I’m gonna save so much money from the chiropractor from not having to look down at you.”

Ava’s jokes about Janine’s height will never get old, and I say this as a fellow short person. We’re fun-sized, y’all. While Ava’s neck and back might find relief in the interim, something tells me our Janine will be back with Abbott sooner rather than later. 

What are your favorite quotes from “Alex”? Sound off in the comments below.

Abbott Elementary drops new episodes every Wednesday at 9 PM on your ABC affiliate, with next-day streaming on Hulu. 

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Melody McCune
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