Another week, another quote-worthy Abbott Elementary episode. “Fundraiser” is, hands down, permanently cemented on my top five episodes list. Every Abbott Elementary outing boasts laugh-inducing moments aplenty, but this one has countless golden lines. Seriously. Hats off to you, Brittani Nichols. What a brilliantly funny episode. 

Barbara (Sheryl Lee Ralph) conducts a fundraiser to raise money for a field trip to a science museum. When she struggles to secure adequate funds, she enlists the aid of Ava (Janelle James), whose unorthodox tactics rub Barbara the wrong way. Meanwhile, Mr. Johnson (William Stanford Davis) and Jacob (Chris Perfetti) bicker over custody of a cat, with Melissa (Lisa Ann Walter) stepping in to mediate. Janine (Quinta Brunson) goes on a date, much to Gregory’s (Tyler James Williams) ill-concealed jealousy. 

Below, I’ve compiled a list of quotes (and moments around the quotes) I loved from this week’s episode of Abbott Elementary. Class is in session!

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JACOB: Cats are pescatarians. 

MR. JOHNSON: You’re telling me this cat believes in God?

Jacob and Mr. Johnson’s storyline with Milton, a.k.a. Cinnamon Cupcake Hill, is hilarious. Part of me wants them to ride off into the sunset with their adopted feline baby. William Stanford Davis and Chris Perfetti’s back-and-forth is pitch-perfect. Davis, in particular, never fails on the punchline delivery front. I suppose cats can be pescatarians and Presbyterians. 

Melissa reaches out to touch Barbara's hand while standing in front of a door with a giant thermometer drawing. Jacob and Janine stand next to them. Abbott Elementary Season 2 Episode 13, "Fundraiser."


AVA: How long have Chris and Liam been lost? ‘Cause you’re missing a couple Hems-worths. 

Janelle James is on fire in “Fundraiser.” Every joke is pure, unadulterated gold. Ava always has some of the best jokes on Abbott Elementary, but the breadth of clever one-liners in this episode cannot be measured. It was challenging to narrow down the Ava lines; however, this one elicits the biggest chuckle from me. I’m an avid fan of cheesy jokes, especially those of the dad variety (not daddy … ya little pervs). 

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JANINE: I promise you won’t have to worry about any back getting blown. 

Listen, “Fundraiser” gives Granine shippers more than a few crumbs — we receive a whole meal. Well, okay, maybe a side and half of a dessert, from the awkward moments after Gregory learns about Janine going on a date with Maurice to Jacob discovering Gregory’s crush on Janine. The latter made me audibly gasp.

Anyway, Janine claiming Gregory won’t have to worry about “any back getting blown” after he reveals he doesn’t want any blowback encapsulates a traditional sitcom trope for which I live. You know the one; one character says something unintentionally sexual to the object of their affection (and the affection is mutual). Awkwardness ensues. 

Janine sits across from her date Maurice in a booth in a restaurant while looking serious in Abbott Elementary Season 2 Episode 13, "Fundraiser."

ABBOTT ELEMENTARY – “Fundraiser,” Season 2 Episode 13 (ABC/Bonnie Osborne) QUINTA BRUNSON

MELISSA: I’m not a lawyer, but I know a thing or two about arbitration. My ex and I were able to settle custody of our season tickets to the Phillies out of court like adults. 

If anyone can settle a dispute between two men and the ownership of their cat, it’s Melissa Schemmenti. There’s nobody prouder to be from Philadelphia than Melissa, so you can imagine those Phillies season tickets were more important to her than dividing household assets with her ex. If she could settle that outside of court, anything’s possible. We love one redheaded teacher in this house. 

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MR. JOHNSON: I told you, we three should’ve gotten in the car and never looked back! 

The saga of Mr. Johnson, Jacob and Milton Cinnamon Cupcake Hill ends on a sad note when we learn the cat belongs to a student. Despite their brutal custody battle, Mr. Johnson wanted the three of them to live happily in cat-dad-parent bliss. The drama! It’s warranted for a pretty kitty like Milton Cinnamon Cupcake Hill. 

Barbara and Ava shake hands while Melissa looks on in amusement in Abbott Elementary Season 2 Episode 13, "Fundraiser."


What quotes did you love from “Fundraiser”? Sound off in the comments below! 

Abbott Elementary airs Wednesdays at 9/8c on ABC, with next-day streaming on Hulu

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Melody McCune
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